Stephenie Meyer and the Uterus of Steel
by browniechadowes
Summary: Hey all, I'm back, dragging the Twilight characters kicking and screaming into the final installment of the Twilight parodies. Rated M for... well, have you read Breaking Dawn? *shudders*
1. Martyrdom Vomit

**browniechadowes:** Hello, all, and welcome to the final installment of Stephenie Meyer and the Renegade Characters, thus named Stephenie Meyer and the Uterus of Steel. Due to impending academia, I will not be updating as often as the last parodies, as I'm sure my professors will not use me saving Edward from the throes of Aro's lusty jell-o as an excuse for not completing my homework.

**Stephenie:** *pokes browniechadowes rather forcefully*

**browniechadowes:** I should remind all the dear readers that I do not own any Twilight characters, Stephenie Meyer, or mutant vampire sperm. So read, review (reviews are yummy), and enjoy. Oh, and as an aside, if anyone has misplaced a rather large stick, tell me and I'm sure you'd be able to find it lodged in my lit. professor's rather large backside.

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**Martyrdom Vomit**

**Bella:** *holding ice pack to head* Ughh, at least we got a little break after the horror of shippiness. This is the last parody, right?

**browniechadowes:** *hiding Midnight Sun* Ermm, sure.

**Bella:** Oh god *looking at manuscript* Really, Stephenie, is there even a need for these prefaces? I mean, in every single one of them I am about to get my ass handed to me on a silver platter.

**Stephenie:** But it sets up the stories so nicely. And never fear, I promise the plot of this one will be completely unpredictable.

**Bella:** _Ummphh. Okay so…_ It seemed oddly inevitable, facing death again. Like I really was marked for disaster. _Not like I ever go running right towards said disaster like a fat kid in a candy store or anything._ When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you no options. _Besides a hasty divorce and a good attorney, but I'm guessing that would be slightly OOC for me. Oh, dear Christ on a stick, I feel the martyrdom vomit coming up out of my throat… and…_ If your life was all you had to give your beloved, how could you not give it?

**Edward:** By telling your beloved that it's deranged to give your life up to them for no reason? By not falling in love with someone who wants to tear out your jugular and suck it like an ice cream sundae? By letting me punch every last drop of the martyrdom vomit out of your stomach? Just a thought.

**Stephenie: **Edward, you can't threaten to punch Bella in the stomach… not yet anyway.

**Edward:** Just saying…

**Bella:** I agree. Can we just do some sort of Jerry Springer, Judge Judy, divorce court type thing and get all the suffering out of the way at the beginning?

**Stephenie**: I am going to ignore those last comments. Now teeter on over to the corner and become completely enthralled with not touching each other.

**Edward:** I had better fucking lose my old ass virginity pronto, or I am going to show you just how chagrin and masochistic I can be.

**Fangirls:** *drool on selves while writing S&M bondage mature Edward/OC fanfics*


	2. DecentParentalInfluenceOnBella Dies

**DecentParentalInfluenceOnBella Dies**

**Bella's inner monologue:** No one is staring at you. No one is staring at you. No one is staring at you. *checks around*

**Mike:** *drops binoculars behind a bush and clicks walkie-talkie* Abort! Abort!

**Edward:** Hey, Mike, can you come back and say that again, in say… six chapters?

**Stephenie:** *hits Edward with a twizzler*

**Alice:** Arghh, close one. *into other walkie-talkie* Mike, we need to be more careful in the future… you remember what happened the last time we went spying on Bella. I don't think I can get away with blaming it on a sadistic Shirley Temple-voiced redheaded vampire bitch again.

**Bella's inner monologue:** If I hadn't been running on vapors I wouldn't have come into town at all. I was going without a lot of things these days, like Pop-Tarts and shoelaces… _ummm, because people always run out of shoelaces? What the hell have I been doing with shoelaces? _

**Aro:** Actually *trying to hand Bella sodden shoelaces*

**Bella:** Ermmm, nevermind.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Did it really matter what people were saying about my engagement? About my new car? About my acceptance into an Ivy Leavue college? About my shiny black credit card? _Well, seeing as how I just spend five minutes bitching about all said things, it probably does matter._ Oooh, Stephenie, do I actually get to start acting like a normal insecure teenager who cares what other people think?

**Stephenie:** Ahh, that's cute, Bella. Of course not. Remember, you are an old soul trapped in a teenager's body.

**Bella:** Funny, I thought that was my fiancé…

**Random!Man:** Could you tell me what kind of car you're driving?

**Bella:** Um, big one?

**Random!Man:** *looks incredulously* Yes… but what kind?

**Bella:** Um, the peace sign car?

**Random!Man:** Yes, a Mercedes, but are you driving a Mercedes Guardian?

**Bella's inner monologue:** Ermm Mercedes? Hmmm, for no reason it is now time to monologue about the weirdness of the words fiancé, wedding, and husband. You say wedding over and over again and it starts sounding funny.

**Random!Man:** Can I take a picture with it?

**Bella:** You want to take a picture with the car? _What happened to everyone staring at me? You don't want a picture with me? _I miss my truck. _It was like the ugly best friend that everyone keeps around to feel better about themselves with. I want my ugly friend back!_

**Random!Man:** You could roll a tank over this baby. Designed for Middle East diplomats, and drug lords.

**RandomManNumero!Dos:** Think she's something?

**Random!Man:** _Yes, she fits the exact profile of a slumming drug lord. A teenage stumbling girl that differentiates between cars by their color. Alert the authorities!_ Maybe. We're done now. Thanks a lot!

**Bella's inner monologue:** *looks at the "Have You Seen This Boy?" poster. My best friend. My Jacob. *begins incessant rubbing of poster*

**Edward:** *runs up and slaps Bella* Get a grip of yourself, woman.

**Bella:** Nope, gonna call Seth. *on phone* How is he?

**Seth:** Same as ever. He's not coming home, Bella. _I mean, really, Bella, really? Let's lay out a few of the facts here. You kiss him, say you love him, then your undead fiancé sends him a wedding invitation. What, you want him to buy a toaster for you and try to catch the wedding bouquet?_

**Bella:** Thanks for putting up with me, Seth. I know the others must give you a hard time.

**Seth:** _You're just lucky I have an oh so slight crush on your glitter-tastical boyfriend over there, otherwise this would so not be worth it._ Oh, Jake doesn't like you checking up on him.

**Bella:** See you at the wedding.

**Seth:** Tell Edward I said hi, 'kay? _Really, that is important… not that I want him to know I'm thinking about him every second of the day or anything…_

**Bella:** *ignoring lusty intonation* Sure?

**Bella's inner monologue:** Aaaand, flashback! *claps hands*

**Edward:** Calm down, Bella_. I am going to kill Alice for giving her all of those Red Bulls. Caffeine is like liquid cocaine to this girl, I swear._

**Bella:** *door slams* I flinched like I'd been Tasered. _Well, at least I can blame that reaction on the sadistic author in the corner._

**Stephenie:** Don't look at me. Browniechadowes had the taser destroyed after I got a little too frisky with Caius…

**Charlie:** Hey, kids. What's up? _Dinner? Beer? Seriously, that's all I really want… unless Alice came?_

**Edward:** We have some good news.

**Bella:** Don't get worked up, Dad. Everything's okay_. Not okay, not okay! Old lace, garters, bachelor parties, old tranny strippers… AGHHH!_

**Charlie:** If everything is so great, why are you sweating bullets? _Maybe I should have talked to her mother about some deodorant or something. Sometimes the girl could just reek. Oh no, epiphany…_ You're pregnant! You're pregnant, aren't you?

**Edward:** You've read ahead, too?

**Bella:** No! Of course I'm not! *elbows Edward*

**Charlie:** Oh. Sorry. *pulls Team Jacob shirt out from behind chair and shrugs it on*

**Edward:** I'm not asking for your permission, but for your blessing. We're getting married, Charlie.

**Orchestra:** *strikes up Fiddler on the Roof underscore*

**Charlie:** *singing* He asks for my blessing? Tradition! *starts doing crazy Topal dance*

**Browniechadowes:** *slaps maestro* Ya, I'm going to have to apologize for that. I promise, no more lame musical jokes.

**Charlie:** What's the rush? *storing yarmulke back in his room*

**Edward:** I would rather not have your daughter live in sin with me in college, and would like to fuck her brains out without sending her into the fiery depths of hell.

**Stephenie:** Edward! You can NOT use the f-word, ever. Ever! Aghh, my ears! My chaste ears!

**Edward:** Sorry, pent-up sexual frustration. *sighs* We're going away together in the fall, and I'd like to do her, errr, that the right way.

**Charlie:** *laughing hysterically, rolling on the ground*

**Bella**: ? _Oh shit. Did he get into the left-over narcotics from the Triangle of Shippiness?_

**Charlie:** You have to tell your mom!

**Bella's inner monologue:** Aaaand flashback take 2 *claps hands*

**Edward:** That's getting kind of annoying.

**Bella:** Well, I didn't write the damn manuscript.

**Renee:** Well, Bella, plane tickets are so expensive. Do you think Phil's cast will be off by then? _Mmmm maybe he could just skip the tux all together…_

**Bella:** Erm, I just got things settled today. _You're not the least bit freaked out? This is weird and very OOC._

**Renee:** Today? Really? I assumed…

**Bella:** What did you assume?

**Renee:** _Ummm I was going through Barnes and Noble and toddled over to the Young Adult section and finished reading that weird series about the masochistic vampire and got through the third book when a deranged author took a blow torch and burned the last one before I could finish…_You have a better chance at making this work than most forty-year-olds I know. My little middle-aged child. Luckily, you seem to have found another old soul.

**browniechadowes:** *slaps Stephenie for lame old-vampire humor*

**Bella:** Aren't you going to say that I sound exactly like every other infatuated teenager? _Please? Maybe? Give me a reason to dodge the scary "m" word?_

**Renee:** You've never been a teenager, sweetie.

**DecentParentalInfluenceOnBella:** *coughs, having been stabbed in the heart by Renee*

**browniechadowes:** *to parental influence* Breathe, damnit! Breathe!

**DecentParentalInfluenceOnBella: ***dies*

**Everyone:** *takes a shot in memory of hope for DecentParentalInfluenceOnBella*

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Aaand, end flashbacks._ Charlie was furious at Renee, and then spent the rest of the time moping and mumbling about wedding cake incessantly to his beer belly.

**Bella:** Dad? I'm home.

**Charlie:** Hold on, Bells, stay right there. _Oh shit, oh shit. Compromising situation… ummm, I thought she wasn't going to be back for another thirty minutes…_ Ouch, you got me, Alice. I'm bleeding on it.

**Bella:** ? _Oh no, after living with Renee and Phil, I'm still not sure I am at the mental maturity to deal with any more inatimate objects being ruined for me… especially by my dad and my best friend._

**Alice:** You're fine. Didn't break the skin-trust me.

**browniechadowes**: *Chucks already banged-up copy of Breaking Dawn at Stephenie's head* Ughh, pedophile shipping AND lame vampire jokes in the first chapter? Are you trying to kill me, Stephenie?

**Stephenie**: I think its cute…

**Browniechadowes:** That's about as cute as chapter 18…

**Bella:** What's going on?

**Alice:** I'm pinning your dad_… hehehe, couldn't resist._ Thirty seconds, Bella.

**Bella:** _Well, that's not very impressive, Charlie._ *looking at Charlie* Aw. Dad. You look-

**Charlie:** I look like an idiot. _But thank God we could get the tux back on before she came into the room…_

**Alice:** No one dressed by me ever looks like an idiot. _I have unusually high standards normally… but I figured, hell, if I can't have the daughter, the dad'll do for now._

**Bella:** *watches as Alice greedily picks up sharp pins and prances over to her* Aaah!

**Alice:** Go to your happy place, Bella.

**Bella's inner monologue:** _That's what they tell rape victims to do…_ I stripped down to my underwear and held my arms out.

**Alice: **_Jesus, I promised browniechadowes I'd quit with the lesbian shipping. _You'd think I was shoving bamboo splinters under your nails. _Not like I brought a loofa in or anything._

**Bella's inner monologue:** I am now going to monologue about my happy place, which basically involves me fantasizing about "pheromone-riddled bodies" and "his big compromise"… because we wouldn't want to talk about anything too specific or dirty…

**Stephenie:** Ahhh, true. Virtue and chastity, Bella, and many, many metaphors.

**Edward:** So let me get this straight, even in Bella's fantasies, she isn't technically having sex with me? Well, this is all sorts of fucked up and craptastic. *logs onto to search smutty fanfics to take care of himself*


	3. Marinating in Bestiality

**Marinating in Bestiality**

**Edward:** Ahhh! Is this it? _The_ chapter where we get a little necrophilia loving? Sounds promising…

**Bella:** I wouldn't count on it, man. I mean, Steph wouldn't have us wait this whole time and give us the schpeal on soul corruption to have us going at it like porpoises.

**Edward:** Porpoises?

**Bella:** Ya, you know… porpoises… get off on each other, swim upside down when they're horny, do it even when they're in off mating season…

**Edward:** I'm not even going to ask how you know that. Any-hoo, on with the chapter?

**Bella:** Meh, if we must. *Begin attacking each other's tongues*

**Edward:** Definitely staying.

**Bella:** No, no. It's your bachelor party. You have to go.

**Edward:** There's really no point. _Besides, I have a very alarming feeling that the pit of discarded characters will be included in said bachelor party, and Aro coming anywhere near an open orifice of mine with his cream puffs does not sound fun to me._

**Bella's inner monologue:** I was pretty close to my happy place… _ummm, so my half naked boyfriend chastely going nowhere past first base while my teeth chatter into my skull is my happy place? My sex life sucks. Hmm must change it._

**Bella:** Wait, practice makes perfect. *tries to throw sexy pose, sticking ass into air and tumbling off of bed*

Edward: _Erm, that in no way turns me on._ We should be fairly close to perfection by this point, then, shouldn't we? _Ummm, Stephenie, are you fucking serious? Close to perfection is so not the case when Jasper's the only man that's even talked about the South with Bella…_

**Bella:** Dress rehearsal! *grabs loofa, jell-o, tomato soup, and mysterious black object*

**Edward:** I don't know. You'll get hurt. _Gah, why, why, why do I have to continue to be a giant cock-block to myself?_

**Bella:** Ssshhhhh! *puts finger up to his mouth/eye*

**Edward:** It's not too late to change your mind.

**Bella:** _Ermm, I'm going to take a gander that we're talking about the wedding and not about sexy time here._ I'm sure about you.

**Edward:** What about Renee, Charlie?

**Bella:** *sigh* Meh, Renee killed of DecentParentalInfluenceOnBella in the last chapter. I think I'll be okay. And Charlie's always kind of been an asshole.

**Edward:** Angela and Ben and Jessica and Mike?

**Bella:** Angela's boring, I don't really know Ben, I'm pretty sure Jessica wants me to get syphilis and die, and Mike has become more el creepy than you were in the first novel.

**Edward:** Do you remember when Charlie thought you were… pregnant?

**Bella:** What, Edward?

**Edward:** I wish that he'd been right. *takes Stephenie's bazooka and attempts to shoot himself in the head*

**browniechadowes:** There, there, Edward.

**Edward:** But why?!? Really, Stephenie's a sadistic human being. Has she even re-read the crap that I have to go through in some of the later chapters?

**browniechadowes:** *stowing bazooka with taser* It's all going to be okay. Just get through the next few chapters.

**Bella:** Gah! _Babies? Eww, no way._

**Future!Bella:** Ahh, Babies? Aww, rip my uterus open and call me Mommy.

**Edward:** *gulps* It's not an easy sacrifice. It's not right! I want to give you things, not take things away from you. I don't want to steal your future.

**Bella:** *In completely creepy Obsessed!Bella voice* You are my future.

**Edward:** Argh. Emmett and Jasper are not going to let me bow out tonight. _Which is perfectly fine. I need to get a little hammered after having to spout out that diatribe of baby-longingness. *shudders* Chapter 18! ARGHH._

**Bella:** *looking at window* _Really? No one uses the damn door? _Have fun.

**Edward:** Go to sleep. I'll meet you at the altar.

**Bella:** I'll be the one in white. *groans* _Stupid, stupid joke._

**Jasper:** We'll get him home in plenty of time.

**Bella:** You're not taking him to a strip club, are you? _If he gives any out to anyone other than me, I am going to be slightly pissed off._

**Jasper:** Relax. Just a few mountain lions, a couple of grizzly bears.

**Bella:** Ermm, not going to think about how that sentence seems to have been marinating in bestiality. _Mmm, porpoises._

**Super Bear:** Ya, and I don't know about the rest of the people in the pit, but I'm not going to be one of the bears sporting a G-string.

**Emmett:** Well, there was that one time…

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Am now going to randomly think about Sexy!Tanya's past, as I am sure it will have absolutely nothing to do with the upcoming plot, as Stephenie is the master of subtle clues… right._ The woman who created Tanya, Kate, and Irina lived during a time of plague, the plague of the immortal children.

**Orchestra:** Bum bum buuuuuuuuum.

**Everyone:** Jane!

**browniechadowes:** Nope, not yet.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Adorable two-year-olds with dimples and lisps that could destroy half a village. Tanya's mother created a child, Volturi became involved, bye-bye Tanya's mother dearest.

**Dream!Bella's inner monologue:** Smoking heaps, Volturi soldiers, toddler boy, Angela, Ben, Jessica, Mike, mom, dad all dead under adorable toddler boy with blood-red eyes.

**Bella:** *throwing down manuscript* Awesome dream to have right before my wedding. Not that is could in any way be perceived as an omen that marrying a vampire boyfriend that from day one has wanted to eat you and then proceed to have bed-breaking sex with said vampire will result in any problems whatsoever.


	4. The Stumbefuckedness Has Subsided

**The Stumbefuckedness Has Subsided**

**Bella:** You're picking up Mr. Weber at three o'clock. _Huh, Angela's dad would be a preacher._

**Angela:** *yelling from out of the pit* Ya, my character just gets more dull as the series progresses… but at least I'm allowed in the pit.

**Charlie:** I'm not likely to forget my only job. _Jeez, you'd think I was some sort of neglective father that makes my daughter take care of me or something._

**Bella:** You also have to be dressed and presentable_. So trying to block out the past few weeks where I've caught him in his boxers conversing about his hate for weddings with his beer belly._

**Charlie:** *to beer belly* Monkey suit. _How dare I have to dress up for my daughter's wedding. _

**Beer Belly:** Here, here. Now, get me mah beer.

At the Cullen's

**Alice:** Oh, hell, look at your eyes! What did you do? _She looks like she went wallowing in a pit of ugly. Is it actually possible to look this much like a raccoon?_ At least you'll have time to sleep on the plane tomorrow.

**Bella's inner monologue: **Tomorrow? _Erm, so I can't jump sexy Edwardkins for another 24 hours? Stephenie, who the hell doesn't have their wedding night on their wedding night?_ It was strange not knowing where I would be sleeping tomorrow night. Or hopefully not sleeping… Ahhh, tee hee sexual reference!

**Edward:** Ya right. I'm getting a really bad feeling that we will never get to act out a sex scene, Bella. I feel it in my bones.

**Bella:** Well, I would hope to God we would get a little kinky vampire sex. We've been pretty fucking patient, don't ya think?

**Alice:** *attacking Bella with goopy face scrub* No one will dare call you plain when I'm through with you.

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Erm, I never said anything about anyone calling me plain…_ She masked, buffed, and polished every surface of my body.

**Alice:** *tapping Stephenie on the shoulder* _Every_ surface? Really?

**Browniechadowes:** For the love of all that is holy, please don't encourage the crazy lesbian shipping, Steph.

**Stephenie:** No idea what you're rattling on about at all…

**OOC!Rosalie:** What some help? I could do her hair. – Gah, Stephenie, there is so much wrong with this statement. I mean, I am internally confused. What do you want me to be, super sexy biotch, or super sexy friend? I can't do both at the same time. It's messing with my head.

**Alice:** You can start braiding.

**Rosalie:** *looking at Stephenie* Steph?

**Stephenie:** *back to characters, humming the band aid song to herself*

**Rosalie:** Oh, whatever. *starts braiding Bella's hair, ripping a few strands from her scalp*

**Bella:** Ouch.

**Alice:** Deep breaths, Bella. I have to get dressed now.

**Bella:** Alice- wow. *sliding hand up to Alice's hair, reaching down to touch her supple-

**browniechadowes:** No, shippers, no! Back, I say! *shoves shippers back into the pit of discarded characters*

**Renee**: So romantic! To think the ring's been in Edward's family since the eighteen hundreds!

**Edward:** Aha, so she doesn't only get her brains from Charlie…

**Renee:** Charlie, don't you look dashing!

**Charlie:** _Mmmm, Renee, countertop, loofa, ice cream… Gah, ex-wife. Must stop thinking that way. Hmmm, revert to jealousy mode._ Alice got to me. _Take that, cougar of an ex-lover._

**Renee:** *ignoring ball of jealousy thrown by Charlie* I feel dizzy.

**Super Bear:** I told her not to drink all that schnapps…

**Charlie:** Oh, and bt-dub Bells, we're giving you old silver hair combs as a wedding gift. There ya go.

**Bella: **Mom, Dad… you shouldn't have… _Alright, was expecting something more along the lines of, oh, I dunno, a first month's rent payment, my mom's old china, freaking gift card to William Sonoma… but sure, ya, I am completely overcome with gratefulness of combs…_

**Alice: **Here *throws Bella a garter* That's mine and I want it back… _maybe you can give it to me later? After the ceremony? A little going away present? Maybe?_

**Jasper:** *grumbling to self* I gave her that garter…

**Rosalie:** *begins to play Jaws theme song*

**Edward:** *chucks after dinner mints at Rosalie*

**Rosalie:** What? I thought it was rather fitting. No? *begins "The Devil Went Down to Georgia"*

**Edward:** *takes pin and pokes Rosalie in the eye*

**Rosalie:** Damn it, Edward, that friggin' hurt.*Changes to Pachelbel's Canon* Better?

**Charlie:** She looks a little sick. _Good lord, she's gonna blow._

**Bella:** Edward. _ARGGHHH. Am surrounded by old lace, coconut cake, demented flower girls, and wedding nastiness._ Don't let me fall, Dad.

**Everyone:** *claps as Bella makes it down the stairs without tripping*

**Edward:** Good lord, the stumbefuckedness has subsided.

**Bella:** Think it's pretty damn surprising?

**Edward:** I do.

**Bella**: I do, too.

**Mr. Weber: **Husband and wife!

**Edward and Bella:** Huh? Oh…

**Bella:** Guess we should?

**Edward:** Yuppers *chaste, chaste kissing*

**Bella's inner monologue:** I was handed through the crowd, passed from embrace to embrace.

**Edward:** Well, that's not anything new. Exhibit A… Eclipse.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I recognized the difference between the soft, warm hugs of my human friends and the gentle, cool embraces of my new family.

**Edward:** What, do you want a cookie?

**Bella:** Ummm, ok? Why?

**Edward:** Because you are obviously really proud of yourself by the way you can differentiate between warm human people and undead bloodsucking in-laws.

**Bella:** Hey, I never said I was a genius. I mean, you've been with me throughout this series… don't act like it's surprising or anything.

**Edward:** *looking at glazed eyes of Seth Clearwater* Oh dear, I think I have an admirer.


	5. I'm Glad I Came

**I'm Glad I Came**

**Seth:** Congrats, guys. *hugs Edward* I'm happy for you.

**Edward:** *ignoring wistful lusty look* Thank you, Seth.

**Sexy!Tanya**: *running up to Edward and pinching his ass* Edward, I've missed you.

**Bella:** Grrrr.

**Edward:** Tanya, this is my Bella.

**Bella:** Grrrr.

**Sexy!Tanya**: *tweaking Edward's nipple* Welcome to the family, Bella. We consider ourselves Carlisle's extended family, _and that is in no way a creepy way to see ourselves even after I threw myself at my sort-of cousinish Edward. Hmmm._

**Bella:** Nice to meet you… _Grrrowl, you stupid pretty vampire._

**Sexy!Tanya:** *winks* We'll get to know each other later. We'll have- no, no no no, Stephenie I only get a few lines anyway and I really don't want to besmirch them with a stupid undead joke.

**Stephenie:** Oh, come on, Tanya, it's cute. And if you don't, I can just hit the backspace button and delete you out of it altogether.

**Sexy!Tanya:** *to Edward* How can you stand having her hover over you for freaking four novels?

**Edward: **I'm supposedly chagrin and masochistic…

**Sexy!Tanya:** *sighing* We'll have eons of time for that! *runs away to wash out her mouth with disinfectant spray*

**Edward:** *removes Bella's garter*

**Alice:** Hey, I wanted to do that!

**Edward:** *throws garter at Mike in the pit of discarded characters*

**Mike:** Huh? Garter? Sweeet. *tackles Aro and Angela in the pit*

**Alice:** *sighing* Damn. Never getting that back, then.

**Edward:** Enjoying the party Mrs. Cullen?

**Bella:** *Looks around for Esme* I'm Bella.

**Edward: ***rolling eyes*

**Bella:** Oh… that will take a while to get used to.

**Edward: **Another stupid quip within the same page, Steph? I think everyone gets that we are UNDEAD.

**Stephenie:** *takes another jab at her dead horse*

**Edward:** _Gah…_ We have a while.

**Charlie:** I'm going to miss you at home, Bella. _I am going to die. Literally die. Maybe I can get on one of those commercials with all of the starving Ethiopian kids…_

**Bella:** I feel horrible, leaving you to cook for yourself-it's practically criminal negligence. You could arrest me.

**Charlie:** _Hmmm, that's a thought…_ I suppose I'll survive.

**Bella:** *being ripped out of Mike's sticky cool whip grip by Edward* Still not that fond of Mike?

**Edward:** _Ummm… Bella, he was wearing a G string, had hands full of cool whip, and was brandishing an ice cream lathered loofa like a sword. What did you expect me to do?_ He's lucky I didn't kick him out. Oh, and by the way, have you had a chance to look at yourself?

**Bella:** Um, no. _God, what is this crap, Steph? Who the hell doesn't look at themselves in their wedding dress, at all? *looks at reflection* Daaaammmmnnnn, Ah look gooood! *starts licking reflection*_

**Edward:** *pulling Bella from the window* Surprise wedding gift.

**Bella:** Huh? _Hope it's not another lame comb._

**Edward:** This is very… _sadistic, annoying, intimidating_… kind of you. _You manwhore._

**Jacob:** Kind is my middle name.

**Fangirls:** *start scribbling Jacob Kind Black into their stories*

**Jacob:** *rolls eyes at fangirls*

**Bella:** Jacob! Jacob! Everyone I love is here! _My love, my lusty were-man fleshiness! *looks at left ring finger* Oh right. Well, shit. _

**Jacob:** Sorry I'm late, honey_. Damn, am I still trying to tap that, Steph? I gotta admit… I'm pretty damn persistent._

**Bella:** I'm just so happy you came!

**Jacob:** _Wait… *flips through books* When did that happen? I'm pretty sure I've never gotten any… Oh,_ I'm glad I came. I didn't think I would be.

**Bella:** It makes me very happy that you came.

**Jacob**: Do you really have to keep repeating that phrase? I'm trying to be mature and keep the giggles from escaping… you're not making this easier.

**Bella:** Sorry. When did you decide to come?

**Jacob:** *sniggers* _So not fair, Bella._ I don't really know.

**Bella:** You cut your hair. _It looks like the time I accidentally got my hair stuck in the egg beaters… that wasn't pretty._ It looks good.

**Jacob:** Right.

**Bella**: How are you?

**Jacob:** If I could get rid of the voices in my head, being a wolf would be perfect.

**Bella:** I can't get mine to shut up, either.

**Jacob:** *looks at Bella weirdly* Riiiiight. So you gonna become Vamptastic!Bella tonight?

**Bella:** Nope.

**Jacob:** Gonna play checkers?

**Bella:** Nope.

**Jacob:** Candy land?

**Bella:** Nope.

**Jacob:** Ummm… well, you can't have a real honeymoon. _Necrophilia is against the law, sweetums, and doing your husband would constitute statutory rape as well…_

**Bella:** I can screw my undead husband if I want to.

**Jacob:** *vomits into a bush* AGHHH. Wha? What did you say?

**Bella:** What's wrong?

**Jacob:** _I dunno, the fact that you're going to diddle it up with a living corpse that wants to suck you in more ways than one just doesn't sound sexy to me…_ That's a sick joke, Bella!

**Bella:** None of your business_. I've been practicing with ice cubes and it's been getting a lot easier. So there._

**Jacob:** Bella! Have you lost your mind?

**Bella:** *flipping through manuscripts* Yep, around the third chapter of Twilight. Pretty much downhill from there. Surprised you're so shocked, actually.

**Edward: **Hands off! _Good lord, I leave her alone for one minute and she's back to being scarlet woman hooker Bella. We're married, for God's sake._

**Jacob:** *to Edward* I'll kill you. _That was mine to tap, mine! Besides the gross factor, I'm having a sneaking suspicion that I'm about to get zero ass in this whole series, and that makes me grouchy and an asshole._

**Jacob & Wolf!Co.:** *run back to the pit to slam down a few shots and get nasty pictures of cadaver sexing out of heads*

**Bella:** I'm so sorry.

**Edward:** You did nothing wrong_… besides get cozy with the other man you love on our wedding night. But really, nothing major._

**Bella:** Edward?

**Edward:** Jacob's right. What am I thinking? _Have sex with my wife? I am a deviant and am going to hell… Ah crap, here I go, cock-blocking myself again._

**Bella:** Stop it. We are going to have mad kinky vampire sex, do you hear me? I'm not afraid.

**Edward:** I am.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Go find your balls, man. You're the fucking vampire. You shouldn't be that friggin' scared. The worst that will happen for you is that you'll get a little extra midnight snack by accident…

**Alice:** Do you want to miss your plane?

**Edward: **Go away, Alice. _I am busy oh so chastly and in a serious non-tonguing way kissing my beloved._

**Alice:** Come with me, Bella.

**Bella:** ?

**Renee:** You have to visit me and Phil very, very soon. It's your turn to go south.

**Jasper:** Long live the confederacy!

**Bella:** _Tee hee, I'll be going south tomorrow night_. Love you, Mom. Love you forever, Dad.

**Charlie:** You, too, Bells. _But I love you more when you feed me._

**Edward:** *searching in corner for balls then gives up* Are you ready?

**Bella:** I am.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Phil had both arms wrapped tenderly around Renee. She had one arm tight around his waist but had her free hand reached out to hold Charlie's. - And there was a loofa… and tomato soup… and, oh holy fuck, they found Aro's pool of jell-o.

*howl*

**Bella:** Jacob!

**Edward:** Grrr, stupid Jacob.

**Super Bear:** Nope, that was Emmett again. He just snuck a peek at your mom, Bella… wow.


	6. And… Fade to Black?

**And… Fade to Black?**

**Bella:** Houston? _Mmmm Edward in boots and a cowboy hat…_

**Jasper:** *pops up* Hells ya!

**Edward:** A stop along the way.

**Bella:** Rio de Janeiro_? Aaiiiee pappi, mmmm Edward covered in chilies and guacamole…_

**Edward:** Another stop.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Edward led the way down the long line of white yachts. He leaped in lightly and carried me over the edge. He'd never mentioned an interest in boating, but then again, he was good at just about everything. _Hmmm, and am pretty damn sure he'll be vamptacular at certain extra curricular post-wedding activities…_

**Edward:** Ya, so no pressure, right?

**Bella:** Are we going to Atlantis?

**Edward:** Silly, Bella, Atlantis doesn't exist.

**Bella: **Neither do vampires.

**Edward:** Yes, but let's not give Stephenie another excuse to write about some crazy chagrin masochistic Atlantians, mmkay?

**Bella:** Where are we?

**Edward:** Isle Esme. Gift from Carlisle.

**Bella:** Erm, so we're going to be all sexy in your parent's bed?

**Edward:** That's the plan, my delectable little cookie. *picks Bella up*

**Bella:** Aren't you supposed to wait for the threshold?

**Edward:** I'm nothing if not thorough.

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Mmmm, let's hope he's _very_ thorough._ My heart thudded against my ribs. I refused to meet his gaze.

**Edward:** *looks at Bella*

**Bella:** *refuses to look at Edward*

**Edward:** *continues el creepy lusty stare*

**Bella:** *looks at ominous big white bed* _Ewww, parents._

**Edward:** It's a little hot here. I thought… _that then you wouldn't get frostbite from my naughty bits?_ That would be best. *nervous giggle* I tried to think of everything that would make this… _sexier? Not so vamptastically creepy?_ Easier.

**Bella:** *gulp*

**Edward:** I'm sure you'd like a human minute or two_… you look like a hot tranny mess love…_ It was a long journey. Don't take too long, Mrs. Cullen.

**Bella:** Esme's not here!

**Edward:** *rolls eyes* I'll wait for you in the water.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Hmmm, what to wear? Underwear? Nope. Scary French ooh la la show my naughty spots lingerie? Definitely not. Swimsuit? Too practical. Alright, we're going commando. *runs out to ocean_* Am now going to tantalizingly describe my undead lover love spouse._ Skin a perfect white, wet hair black as the ocean. Smooth likes of back, shoulders, arms, neck… *takes a peak down south* Oh ya.

**Edward:** I promised we would try. If… _I accidentally kill you? Suck all of the bodily fluids out of you like a chocolate shake?_ If I do something wrong, you must tell me at once.

**Bella:** Don't be afraid. We belong together. *passes Edward balls that Alice had found running away from Jessica and packed in her suitcase*

**Twilighters and All Characters in the Pit of Discarded Characters:** Oh holy god, they're going to do it. *begin drooling and hurriedly taking out lubricant*

**Stephenie:** *rips out two pages of Chapter 5 and stashes them under her dead horse*

**Edward:** *taking balls* forever. And… *reads manuscript* "fade to black"? Fade to fucking black? What the fuck? Fuckity fuck fuck. Fuck me!

**Bella:** Looks like I already did and was not aware of it…

**Stephenie:** Edward! Profanity is not allowed. And may I just reiterate, neither is any sexing, clitori, or marital coitus. I've been saying this throughout the whole series. No need to look so shocked.

**Edward:** *watches as balls run away again*

The Next Morning:

**Bella:** *smiles like a pedophile in a kindergarten classroom*

**Edward:** What's funny? _Honestly, I don't see how the hell she could possibly be smiling after the debacle that was our lack of wedding night._

**Bella:** What's wrong?

**Edward:** You have to ask? _I just spend 100 years being a gentlemanly chaste vampire, with Rosalie's boobs staring at me and Tanya trying to jump my bones every other second. And then the second I get to have un-damning, religiously couth sex, we FADE TO BLACK._

**Bella:** You're upset. I don't understand. _Sure we didn't actually get to act out the deed or anything, but I'm pretty sure it was fantabulous._

**Edward: **How badly are you hurt, Bella? _Because if my balls hadn't run off, I'm sure they'd be glowing bright blue right now. Hindered sexual tension is very unhealthy._

**Bella:** I've never been better. _I mean, should I tell him that I kinda snuck off and took care of myself with some honeymoon lemony fanfics while he was brooding?_

**Edward: **Stop acting like I'm not a monster for having agreed to this. _I _had_ read the book already… but I swear to God there were two pages of hot steamy sexy time when I read it… I am severely sadistic for agreeing to go through with this shit._

**Bella:** Why am I covered in feathers?

**Edward:** Ask Stephenie mc-smut stealer over there.

**Bella:** ?

**Edward:** *reading manuscript* I bit a pillow. _While I was banging your heart out, hypothetically speaking of course. Not that I would ever get to really have sex with you._ Look at that.

**Bella:** *looks at bruises* Oh. _Fucking hot._

**Edward:** _Fucking hot. And I can't even remember doing it._ I'm… _severely unhappy? Still technically a virgin in my own mind? _So sorry. *throws arm over face in dramatic pose*

**Bella:** I'm not sorry, Edward. I'm so happy. _I mean, if this whole thing hadn't cut to black I would have never found a plethora of steamy smutty sex scenes between us. That's enough to last me quite a while._ I'm sort of pissed now, actually.

**Edward:** Wait, Bella can say "pissed" but we can't have a fucking sex scene? Stephenie, what happened to your no profanity rule?

**Stephenie: **She is in the throes of love. She's allowed a few exceptions to the rules.

**Edward:** We _should _have been in the goddamn throes of love. Didn't see you make an exception there. *sighs* I don't think anything could make me feel better now. *flicks at Bella's buzz with a fly swatter*

**Bella:** You are killing my buzz, Edward.

**Edward:** *rolls eyes*

**Bella:** We knew this was going to be tricky. _I mean, Stephenie's been kinda adamant about the whole sex thing for awhile now… _With a little practice- _Maybe we could at least get a few thrusts in before she catches on to what we're doing…_

**Edward:** Were you thinking it would be worse? _What the hell could be worse than this shit? Two years of saving Bella from her stumblefuck self, not even getting past first base, and then when I'm guraranteed a little action, POW, not even cock-blocked by myself this time._

**Bella:** I don't know. It was just wonderful and perfect, though. _Mmmm, smutty fanfic number three was particularly hot._

**Edward:** Last night was_… fucking not THERE!!!! Gah, fade to black can just take my balls and stab them with a knife_. I can't believe you're even making me say this crap, Steph.. *takes a deep breath* the best night of my existence.- Uh uh, Stephenie, I refuse to monologue about how last night was *looks at novel* "a very great pleasure" "second to drinking human blood" "physical love" "something more". No, that is where I draw the line.

**Edward's balls:** *from the pit of discarded characters* Here here! I might come back to you eventually.

**Bella: **Why did you ruin Esme's pillows. *shudders* _Arghh, parents._

**Edward:** I don't know if I decided to do anything last night_. Obviously I didn't have too much damn control over the situation._ Here *passes Bella omelet*

**Bella:** Where did eggs come from?

**Edward:** *points to egg carton* Really, Bella. You just get smarter every day.

**Bella:** You aren't going to touch me again while we're here.

**Edward:** *pokes Bella in the eye*

**Bella:** That's not what I meant.

**Edward:** You're right. I will not make love with you until you've been changed. _Because by then I have a sneaking suspicion that I might be able to find those missing pages…_

**browniechadowes:** I hate the phrase "making love"

**Edward:** I hate that my own balls are ashamed of me.

**Bella:** I hate smutty fanfic cliffhangers… I mean, what's the damn point otherwise? Stupid limes.

**Edward:**?


	7. Epitome of a Drunk Sorority Girl

**Epitome of a Drunk Sorority Girl**

**Bella's inner monologue:** So I'm going to go on and on about non-sexual activities that Edward and I have been up to. Snorkeling, coral reefs, submerged caves, sea turtles, porpoises_… unfortunately, porpoises are as close to anything sexual as we've encountered._

**Edward:** Well, I have to keep you distracted, lest the dreaded "fade to black" returns.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I was sleeping in the blue room now… _I kinda got a little creeped out when browsing the net and stumbling on some pretty graphic Carlisle/Esme fics… Never want to sleep in that white bed again._

**Bella:** *putting on sexy black lingerie* What do you think? *Doing signature, really not that sexy, ass in the air come hither pose*

**Edward:** _Meh, it's okay._ You look like you always do.

**Bella:** I wanna go to Dartmouth. Stay human for awhile…

**Edward:** Why are you doing this to me_? I'm about to crap my pants with fear of "fade to black"ness and you're running around with peek-a-boo undies._ No deal.

**Bella:** I wanna go to college.

**Edward:** No, you don't. _God, Bella, what stupid girl would want to further her education and her career? Psht. That is feminist dribble._

**Bella:** I have a reason to be human that I didn't have before.

**Edward:** ?

**Bella:** Guess.

**Edward: **_Fuck. She's been sneaking around jerking off to smutty fanfics, hasn't she? Damn it. _You are so human. Sleep.

**Bella:** For as tired as I've been, you'd think I'd sleep better.

**Edward:** Nightmares?

**Bella:** Vivid ones. Lots of colors. Volturi. Evil demon babies that I want to protect.

**Edward:** And you're suuure you haven't read ahead in the novel?

**Bella:** Nopers.

**Edward:** Want me to sing to you? I'll sing all night if it will keep the bad dreams away.

**Bella:** Yes, because a blood sucking vampire singing a creeptastic lullaby to me while I try to sleep will not give me nightmares whatsoever.

**Edward:** You want to go home?

**Bella:** Nope. *flips page* I still have to try to seduce you.

Later that night:

**Edward:** Bella? Bella! What's wrong?

**Bella:** *crying* _Damn it, the horniness… it BURNS._ It was only a dream…

**Edward:** Take deep breaths.

**Bella:** I wanted it to be real.

**Edward:** Tell me about it. _In freaking detail, please. Gotta get it from somewhere…_ Maybe that will help.

**Bella: **Oh, Edward *Super!Swoon*

**Edward:** No, Bella. I can't! _If you haven't noticed, my balls have run away._

Bella: Please? _Purty please with an aorta valve on top?_

**Edward's balls:** Oh what the fuck? Might as well accept he's a hopeless cause. *bounces back over to Edward*

**Edward:** *holds balls* Damnit.

**Twilighters and Collective!Characters:** Mmmm hmmmm. Oh so close…

**Stephenie:** *tries nonchalantly to rip out another page*

**Bella's inner monologue:** And we began where my dream left off and… fade to black.

**Edward:** Fuck. At least I was ready for it this time.

The Next Morning:

**Bella:** How much trouble am I in?

**Edward:** Heaps. You never told me what your dream was about.

**Bella:** I sort of showed you.

**Edward:** Oh… _Um, are we living in the same damn sex life? Because I'm pretty damn sure you haven't shown me anything._ _I mean, I haven't even gotten a nipple description or anything._ Interesting.

**Bella:** The pillows appear to have survived.

**Edward:** Not the nightgown.

**Bella:** Any other casualties?

**Edward:** I'll have to buy Esme a new bed frame.

**Bed Frame:** You bastard.

**Edward:** You are unobservant when your attention is otherwise involved. _Agghh, and apparently mine is, too. _You look like you've committed a crime.

**Bella:** I feel guilty. _Okay, so last night I kind of went of track and ran into a few Jacob/Bella lemons… and goddamnit, don't judge, but the Rabbit was there and…_ You're not angry?

**Edward:** Nope. I had a better idea of what to expect_. It's hard to be pissed when you aren't expecting to remember getting any. My sex life has become the epitome of a drunk sorority girl. No wonder they all have issues…_

**Bella:** *chows down on super runny eggs*

**Edward:** Do you know how many eggs you've gone through in the last week? _You know, they say once you get married you gain ten pounds…_

**Bella:** Weird. _I'm sure that has no sort of metaphorical connotation to fertility or anything. _We'll have to leave soon to make it to Dartmouth.

**Edward:** You don't want to go to college.

**Bella:** I want more time to be human.

**Edward:** For sex?

**Bella:** No, stupid, to broaden my knowledge. Delve into myself and really search for the things that I might enjoy to study. Psych. Of course for sex.

**Edward:** We can visit Charlie, spend Christmas with Renee…

**Bella's inner monologue:** The Jacob-drawer, all but forgotten, rattled.

**Edward:** *takes taser and tases drawer* Will he ever stop?

**Jacob:** *yelling from bottom of pit* Dude, that drawer's only rattling because she got more from my car than she ever got from you.

**Bella:** So… you wanna practice…

**Edward:** *knock on door* _Saved by the bell._ *speaks portugese, because apparently if you've lived 100 years you become fluent in about every language possible… riiight*

**Tiny!Woman (AKA Kaure):** *glare o' fear*

**Bella:** What's with her?

**Edward:** She thinks I'm a blood drinking demon who preys on women.

**Bella:** _Erm, failing to see how that's far-fetched._ *kisses Edward* Movie, schmovie.

**Edward's inner monologue:** God, I married a linguistic genius.

**Kaure:** *babbling in unfamiliar language* Damn kids, sexing up the main room, spreading semen and feathers all over the place, now they're going to fuck up the living room, too? Must have some weird chicken fetish, first the feathers, then all the eggs…

**Bella: **She was thinking what I think she was thinking?

**Edward:** _Umm, if you were thinking that we are sexual deviants who have a thing for poultry, then…_ Yes.

**Bella:** Will we move back to the white room? _Please say no, please say now. Eww, Carlisle and Esme sex. It's just so freaking wrong to even think about._

**Edward:** We should limit the destruction to one area of the house.

**Bella:** Mmmm more destruction?

**Edward:** I guess.

**Bella:** *stuffs face with food*

**Edward:** Want to swim with the dophins- burn off the calories? _I mean, I'll always love you no matter how much you put on, but I swear ever since the wedding you've been shoveling shit into your mouth constantly._

**Bella:** I had another idea for burning calories.

**Twilighters and Collective!Characters:** *continue along their merry way, as hope for steamy sex scene has dissipated as fast as Bella can eat a dozen eggs*

**Edward:** *groans at bad joke and impending… fade to black*


	8. Pregnant Bella

**Pregnant!Bella**

**Dream!Bella's inner monologue:** I could see their dark ruby eyes, lusting for the kill. I heard the child behind me wimper. I wanted them to charge, and I growled.

**Bella:** _Gahhh, fucked up evil spaghetti sucking vampire dream._ Edward?

**Edward's Note:**

_Mrs. Cullen,_

**Bella:** Esme's not freaking here! I think he has a fetish for his undead mother. Stupid white bed.

_I hope you won't wake as it is too early to dazzle you with porpoises and sea turtles. I've just gone to go suck out the blood of a few exotic and probably endangered animals. Go back to sleep and try not to kill yourself in the mean time._

_Love,_

_Edwardkins_

**Bella's inner monologue:** So I decide to cook up some fried chicken.

**Edward's inner monologue:** *looks at frying pan and dripping grease* Ugh, maybe I should change her before she becomes a mammoth.

**Bella:** *begins eating sopping greasy chicken bits before they've cooled* Mmmm yummy, nummy chicken grease, hits the spo- Ugh. Uh uh, uh uh, not good, not good.

**Edward:** Thank god. *wipes hand across Bella's forehead*

**Bella:** Excuse me! *projectile vomits rancid chicken chunks*

**Edward:** Bella? What's wrong?

**Bella:** Oh, nothing Edward. I am completely fine and dandy, apart from me throwing up my stomach lining and burning the crap out of my esophagus. I'm really perfect… love having my head in the toilet.

**Edward:** *mouth open* Bella, are you being… snarky?

**Bella**: Go away.

**Edward:** *feeds Bella eggs*

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Seriously, do we only have chicken products in this house?_ I brushed my teeth and searched through my suitcase for the first-aid kit, when I happened across a small blue box. Uh oh… 7,14,21…

**Edward:** Are you well? What's wrong?

**Bella:** How many days has it been since the wedding?

**Edward:** Seventeen. _Erm, not that I've been counting all super!obsessively or anything._

**Bella:** *chucks tampons at Edward's head*

**Edward: **PMS much? Damn you're being bitchy.

**Bella:** No. *hurtles more tampons* My period is five days late. _And shouldn't you know that, being an intelligent vampire that can smell blood and all?_

**Edward:** …

**Bella:** Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh! _The little fucker kicked me._ *examines body* _Awwww, okay so I never really wanted to get knocked up, but it's Edward's baby! _Wait… how the hell did he get me pregnant? He's been dead for, oh almost 100 years… That's weird.

**Stephenie:** Just keep reading. I explain everything. It makes perfect sense, I tell you! Not far-fetched at all. Look on my website. I was so planning this all along.

**Edward:** Ya, after she took a few hits of that funny pipe…

**Bella's inner monologue:** *reading manuscript* My body could change. And human men stayed the same from puberty to death. – Wait, Stephenie, so vampires can't freaking cry but they can ejaculate healthy venom sperm?

**Stephenie:** Yes, Bella. What's your point?

**Bella:** Well I use Charlie Chaplin as an example of someone fathering a kid when he's old… but, well, I mean he was still alive. Not exactly an undead vampire…

**Stephenie:** Still not getting your point. *pokes Bella hard in the back* Now go have fun nesting and being Pregnant!Bella.

**Alice:** *on the phone* Bella, are you okay?

**Bella:** Um. Is Carlisle there?

**Alice:** Bella, what's going on? I just saw- _some crazy all sorts of messed up things that I am not even going to go into, because if I don't keep those visions tucked way into the back of my mind, I'm not sure I will find you all that delectable any more. _Here's Carlisle.

**Bella:** I think… _meh, I pretty much know_… maybe… _definitely_… I might be… _I am unconditionally and irrevocably_… pregnant.

**Orchestra:** Bum bum buuuuuuuuum.

**Carlisle:** How do you feel?

**Bella:** Weird. I'm eating all the time and crying and throwing up.

**Carlisle's inner monologue:** Ummm, and that's different from normal because?

**Shocked!Edward:** Is it possible?

**Bella:** What did Carlisle say?

**Shocked!Edward:** You're pregnant. *screams* _Gah, many many images of Rosemary's baby. This is so incredibly fucked up and wrong. I don't even get to have a damn sex scene, but I get to knock up Bella. That's really fair._

**Edward's balls:** Hey, don't look at me. I figured after being bounced around all over the place and being out of commission for around 100 years my little swimmers wouldn't stand a chance.

**Bella's inner monologue:** The little nudger fluttered inside me.- Ummm, Stephn, I'm trying to be a good sport about the whole pregnancy thing… but really? Little nudger? I mean, shouldn't I be a little more like Shocked!Edward? I just found out I was impregnated by my vamptastic undead boyfriend…

**Stephenie: **Ah, Bella… My sweet, silly, Bella. From now on you will become Pregnant!Bella, which means the only thing on your mind will be keeping the little nudger safe.

**Bella: **Erm? *is hit with novel pages of super change of character and becomes incredible nesting and overprotective Pregnant!Bella*

**Edward: **We're going home. _Away from this freaking hot bed of fade to blacks and demon pregnancies. This could be considered the worst honeymoon EVER._

**Pregnant!Bella:** *talking to belly* I don't want to go either.

**Pregnant!Bella's inner monologue:** Why was Edward so furious? Why was I already so pregnant?

**Edward: **Ummm, I'm furious because I'm having some sort of twisted vampire child with you, and I didn't even get to experience the whole sex part… and I'm sure you're already pregnant because Stephenie has some weird messed up theories about vampire pregnancies.

**Bella's inner monologue: **_Okay…_ My heart had grown. There were two things I could not live without. *Begins bawling*

**Edward:** Bella! We'll take care of this, and you'll be fine.

**Bella:** What do you mean?

**Edward:** We're going to get that thing out before it can hurt any part of you. _Trust me, I've read ahead and there are some things I would have to do that are just, honestly, really revolting…_

**Bella:** That thing? *le gasp* Nope. Nopers. _Not taking the A-train with my fetal venom embryo._

**Kaure:** *looks at Bella's stomach* Oh good lord, what have they done now? I saw all that nasty chicken in the garbage, and they've gone through a few more dozen eggs. She looks like she has a few of them stuffed under her shirt. Or some other orifices. I'm not cleaning any creepy chicken grease messes up!

**Edward:** No, Kaure, I knocked her up.

**Kaure: **While messing around with raw chicken? You know that can cause salmonella and –

**Edward:** And?

**Kaure:** Morte. *wrinkles nose, taking trash, and runs far, far away*

**Edward:** Don't worry about what she said. Old lies for the sake of entertainment.

**Bella:** Ummm, I don't speak Portuguese.

**Edward:** This will all be over soon. Ya, right after I rip through your uterus and jab your heart with venom…

**Stephenie:** Edward! No more talking about the book. Do you want me to stick you in the fangirl corner again?

**Edward:** *thinking back to last time in fangirl corner… incessant drooling… groping… pinching… six year olds wanting him to bite them and then sparkle for them…* Gah, okay, okay.

**Pregnant!Bella:** _Not if I have anything to say about it. Must save nudger._ *dials phone* Rosalie? It's Bella. Please. You have to help me. *flips page* Huh, I'm not narrating anymore?

**Edward:** Thank God. I really need a mental health day or something. I mean, sex with no sex, my balls knocking up my wife with some freaky fetus, Kaure thinking we have some weird chicken fetish, and too many porpoises. I need a drink.

**Emmett, Super Bear, and Penguin:** *fill up beer bong*

**Emmett:** Down the hatch.

**Bella:** Dude, this really sucks. I can't even get schwasted and deal with this crap.

**Edward: Whatever**, Bella. At least you got off to some fanfics. I really hardly feel sympathy for you… especially since you're going to become an irratic pregnant crazy person in a few chapters.

**Super Bear:** Dude, just chill and deal with it when it comes.

**Penguin:** That's what she said. *high fives kinolaughs*

**browniechadowes: **And moral number 1 of the story is: Do not have any, not even fade to black, sexual contact with your spouse or else you will be impregnated with super!growing vampbaby spawn… even if fornication only takes place twice.


	9. Two Freaking Lines

**Two Freaking Lines**

**Jacob**: *dragging self out of pit of discarded characters* Seriously, Mike, let go of my heel before I sick Aro on you.

**Aro:** *stuffing Jessica's face with cream puffs* Someone say my name? Ooh, did I miss the strip pictionary game already?

**Angela:** Nope. That starts in five. And pencil in the birthing shot game for later. It's gonna be good.

**Jacob**: *brushing whipped cream out of his hair* So, erm, I'm really confused. I mean, Steph, I knew I said I was pissed about the whole "Jacob not getting any ass" thing, but you didn't have to write a whole 1/3rd of the story from my point of view. Isn't that a little uncanon?

**Stephenie:** Oh, Jacob, don't worry. I didn't do it for you. It's all about the page numbers, and quite honestly, Bella's become pretty complacent and I felt the need to torture…erm… give another character a chance.

**Jacob:** *eyebrow raise* _Ooookay… so I'm not really good at this, but here we go…_ Life sucks, and then you die. Yeah, I should be so lucky.- Damn it, that is really depressing. Are the prefaces always this much of a downer?

**Bella:** Don't even fucking start, Jacob. You get two lines? Two freaking lines? I've been fighting Steph over stupid prefaces for the past four books, and she usually draws it out into a few paragraphs of chagrin dribble.

**Jacob:** Dude, Bella, calm down and incubate your vamptastic!baby already.


	10. No “P” Word Allowed

**No "P" Word Allowed**

**Paul:** *munching on Doritos* Hey, hey, hey, heyyyyyy Doritos!

**Jacob:** You better've brought those with you. _And since when does Paul sing jingles? I am really beginning to hate imprinting._

**Paul:** *pops more Doritos into mouth* Nope.

**Jacob:** *punches Paul in the nose*

**Paul:** You broke my nose, idiot. _Haha but at least I get to see your sister naked as much as I want. _I'd rather hang out with Leah.

**Jacob:** That'll warm the cockles of her heart_. Tee hee, I said cockles._

**Paul:** *rolls eyes* Ugh.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** _So I'm under the impression that some love-stricken alien has abducted Pissy!Paul thus transforming him into Pussy!Paul._ It was bad enough that he imprinted… on my sister. _Seriously, I've been having some messed up incestual dreams about Rachel that I have never, ever wanted to have._ I wondered if a bullet through my temple would actually kill me or just leave a really big mess.

**Jacob:** Arghhh! Steph, when did I become suicidal? Oh right, when the girl I loved told me she loved me too and then married my arch nemesis… right.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** I am now going to monologue about Bella dying. _Jesus, I'm such a little happy flower in this book._ Hmmm, plane crash? Car wreck? Maybe Edward would just kill her with his super vamptastic sexing. At least he was getting some…

First Beach:

**Quil:** Keep out of the water, Claire. You think that's funny, do you? Who's laughing now, huh? *grabs Claire by the ankle in super non-creepy uncle-figure type way*

**Jacob**: *vomits into nearby bush* _Ugh, baby imprinting._ How's it going, Claire?

**Claire:** Qwil aaaawl wet now.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** I would say, "that's what she said", but the toddler imprinting thing is too fucked up for me to even be thinking that way.

**Quil:** You missed her party. Princess theme. She made me wear a crown.

**Jacob:** You're such a pussy. _I'm starting to see a theme here… imprinting=pussification._

**Stephenie:** Ah, Jacob. If you're going to be narrating the story, no "p" word allowed out loud, especially in front of a three year old.

**Jacob:** Well, it sucks to be a narrator, then. Gah, alright. You're such a… patsy.

**Claire:** *in annoying toddler voice* Pity wock, Qwil! For me, for me!

**Quil:** Red one?

**Claire:** NO!

**Quil:** Blue one?

**Claire:** NO!

**Jacob:** _Thank god I didn't eat those Doritos, or they'd be coming back up, too. Jesus, this imprinting thing is just weird._ Quil, you ever think about dating?

**Claire:** NO YEWWO!

**Quil:** Purple?

**Jacob:** Ummm, hello? I think I asked you a question here.

**Claire:** NO! GWEEN!

**Quil:** *picking up green rocks* Which one?

**Jacob:** I'm right here, damnit! HELLO?

**Claire:** Aaaaaawl ob dem. *punches Quil in the side of the head with rocks*

**Quil:** Awww, how cute!

**Jacob:** ? Ughh.

**Quil:** Oh, hey Jacob. Erm, what were you saying before?

**Jacob:** The girl thing.

**Quil:** I hadn't thought about it.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Alright, so we're kind of teenage guys, and if he hadn't been thinking about other girls… well, I mean, a guy's gotta take care of himself every now and then. What the hell was he thinking about?

**Quil:** I don't notice girls anymore, you know.

**Jacob:** _Oh lord, had Quil stolen Sam's anatomically correct doll again? I told him not to keep that lying around_… Tiara, makeup… maybe Claire will have a different kind of competition.

**browniechadowes:** No, no, no. Quil, don't say it. I'm begging ya. After the crazy shippiness that was Eclipse, I've finally gotten the shippers to calm down.

**Stephenie:** Oh, come on, it's all in good fun. Go on, Quil, I'm sure Claire would find it just hilarious *beams at Quil*

**Quil:** Erm, ok. You available this Friday, Jacob?

**Jacob:** You wish. Um, but ya, I am. I don't see girls, either, Quil.*his hand lingers over Quil's cheekbone as he lovingly caresses-*

**browniechadowes:** Gaaaahhhh! *beats back Jacob/Quil shippers with Stephenie's dead horse carcass* Go find Aro in the pit and behave… NOW.

**Sam:** *howls* Damn it, who took my doll?!?

**Quil:** That's Sam. Get outta here, Jake! _Must destroy evidence._

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Am going to bitch about how I wanted to kill Edward and Sam told me it wasn't such a great idea. Stupid Sam.

**Leah:** So self-absorbed all the time. _Sam isn't self absorbed. He is tortured and perfect._

**Jacob: **No hypocrisy there, Leah. _I swear, I've seen more of Sam and her in the buff than I EVER wanted to see. *shudder* Ewww._

**Sam:** Can it, guys. _Am very distressed over the loss of my doll._ Something's happened. _Well, I guess we can talk about the vamptastic girl first, but the dollknapping is still high priority on my list._

**Seth:** Charlie said Bella's been quarantined because she picked up some disease in South America.

**Edward:** *stumbling in, hiccupping* Issat disease a ma jig 'ave anysing to do wis ma balls? Cuz I's sure it does…

**browniechadowes:** *gives Super Bear the death glare*

**Super Bear:** Whoops, sorry. I knew he'd tottered off somewhere. *takes Edward by the arm and drags him back to the wet bar*

**Jacob:** Ummm, what are we waiting for?

**Seth:** Maybe she is sick…

**Jacob:** _Ummm, she can be rather sick in the head, but physically?_ Oh, please! _Let's see, Bella's been begging for vamptasticness for a long time now, we know her and Edward were doing the dirty on their honeymoon, and now she's mysteriously "sick"? _Come on.

**Seth:** They aren't our enemies.

**Jacob: **Just because you have some sort of man crush on sparkle fuck doesn't change the law.

**Seth:** So, you gonna be the one to take Bella down?

**Jacob:** Damnit. Touché.

**Sam:** If we challenge them, they will defend themselves well. Are you ready to lose a brother?

**Leah:** Ummm, hello, I'm right here. _Bastard of mine that I love so much._

**Sam:** *ignoring Leah's thoughts o' lust* Or a sister? Jacob, where are you going?

**Jacob:** Take away my will, then. Make me a slave. *dramatic swooning pose*

**Sam:** ? Umm, no? Alright, that business is done with. Now, where's my doll?

**Quil:** *looks away*

**Jacob's inner monologue: **The pack would not attack the Cullens. Okay. The pack wasn't attacking anyone today. But I was.

**Jacob:** Damn, not quite the happy-go-lucky guy I used to be, huh?

**Bella:** Narrating a chagrin and masochistic story will do that to ya.


	11. Future Jacob and Desperate Edward

**Future!Jacob and Desperate!Edward**

**Billie:** Got a minute, Jake? *tries to wheel himself up the stairs, and failing miserably* At least help me inside.

**Jacob:** _Stupid wheelchair_. Since when do you need help?

**Billie:** You going to tell me what happened?

**Jacob:** Nothing happened. We all apparently want a piece of glittery Edward's ass, so no killing Cullens spree.

**Billie:** Jake… Are you leaving?

**Jacob:** *snorts*

**Billie:** Where are you going?

**Jacob**: _I'm going to take down a coven of human sexing vampires, Buffy style._ I don't know.

**Billie:** Don't. It's not worth it.

**Jacob:** Ya, definitely not listening to that advice.

**Future!Jacob:** Gah, no dude. Listen to me. Do NOT freaking go there. Bad, bad things will happen. *as Stephenie is dragging him out of the scene by his leg* You're gonna imprint on Bella's vamptastical hybrid of a baby!

**Jacob:** Huh? Didn't catch that last part. *hops on motorcycle*

At the Cullen's:

**Carlisle:** Hello, Jacob. How are you?

**Jacob:** *in mock upperclass English accent* Well, old chap, I'm quite smashing. Care for tea and a biscuit?

**Carlisle:** ?

**Jacob:** _Sarcasm, Carlisle, sarcasm._ I heard Bella made it back alive.

**Carlisle**: Not the best time. Could we do this later? _Perhaps at a time when a demon incubating spawn is not sucking the life from my daughter in law?_

**Bella:** Come in, Jacob.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** It was Edward. I'd seen him angry, arrogant, and in pain. But this was beyond agony. _I mean, he looked like one of those kids in the suicidal teen commercials. If his skin wasn't freaking stone, Carlisle'd probably have to hide the pink schick razors from him. _And Bella… well, Bella was human _and looking like a hot mess. Scratch that, she was just looking a mess. _She was sick. Very sick.

**Pregnant!Bella**: *super!exorcist projectile vomits* Sorry about that.

**Jacob:** _Ewww. When did my life get so messed up?_ Bella, are you all right. _Well that's a stupid question._

**Pregnant!Bella:** I'm so glad you came today, Jacob.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Ummm, again with the whole "coming" thing. Really trying not to giggle… now just does not seem like an appropriate time.

**Pregnant!Bella:** Help me up, Rose?

**Jacob:** Don't get up. _For some undescribed reason, I am now going to personally hate anything the blonde vampire bitch does._ Dude, Steph, do you have some personal vendetta against blondes?

**Stephenie:** *eyes clouded thinking back to the days when the head blonde cheerleader told her that she regretfully did not make the squad* No! *hides blonde hair dye under recovered horse*

**Pregnant!Bella:** I'm answering your question.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** I am now going to describe in disgusting detail the horrors that are a part of Bella's body. Her torso ballooned out in a strange, sick way. The bulge had grown out of what it had sucked from her. There was no way she could be pregnant… Except that she was.

**Super Bear:** Okay, rule #1 of the Bella birthing shot game. Must take a shot any time something rather disturbing is described in regards to Bella's belly.

**Everyone: ***takes huge shot of tequila*

**Edward**: Outside, Jacob. _I have a massive hangover, and the next few chapters are going to be pure hell._

**Jacob's inner monologue:** I didn't want to kill girls… though I might make an exception for that blonde. Damn, I'm really hating on the blondes.

**Bella:** Behave. And then come back.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Uh, ya, because I really need to obey anything that comes out of your vamptastic!pregnancy crazed little mouth? Uh uh.

Outside:

**Jacob:** It's killing her, right? _Honestly, what did he think would happen? This guy's been around for quite some time. He's probably gone through sex ed a dozen or so times. Hell, he freaking lived through the sixties…_

**Desperate!Edward:** Yes, it's killing her.

**Jacob:** Soooo, no one thought about the big "A"?

**Desperate!Edward:** She won't let us.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Of course, die for the monster spawn. It was so Bella.

**browniechadowes:** *claps hands* Oh my god, a phrase from the actual book full of snarkiness that I didn't even have to come up with myself. Hoorah!

**Jacob:** She won't let you… Ummm she's kinda a small stumblefuck human. Knock her out or something.

**Edward:** Rosalie won't let us, and Emmett would get pissed if we dismembered his little sex kitten.

**Jacob:** _Ummm, dude, pissed off brother versus dead wife…_Should have left Bella with me.

**Edward:** Yes.

**Bella/Jacob shippers:** Aaagghhh, and she's still human. She could so run into the arms of her-

**browniechadowes:** Guys, I have a massive headache. Let's just not start, mmmkay? Now go on back over to the fangirl corner and drool on someone else.

**Edward:** You, Jacob Black, cannot hate me as much as I hate myself.

**Jacob: **Wrong-o.

**Edward: **Help me.

**Jacob:** _Um, didn't we just state that I hated you?_ Hells no.

**Edward: **For her?

**Jacob:** Oh, why didn't you say so in the first place? Hells ya.

**Edward:** So can you sex up Bella, knock her up again, and she can have puppies?

**browniechadowes:** *throws battered book into the wall*

**Jacob:** *jaw hits the floor* God, that's fucked up. *steals a shot from kinolaughs*

**Edward:** Oh god… here comes some more. Damn it, damn it, damn it, Stephenie. This really blows. Hardcore. *shudders* She can have half a dozen babies. Anything she wants. You have to make her see reason.

**Jacob:** Ummm, so do you want me to, like, take her out on a date first, or just kinda pass her back to you after I'm done inseminating her?

**Edward:** Whichever.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Hmmm, on one hand, this is a severely fucked up situation, diddling my enemy's wife so she can pop out some wolftastic babies… however, on the other hand, I would get some ass for the first time in, well, ever. Oh god, nope, cannot do that.

**Jacob:** Where is this psycho crap coming from?

**Edward:** _Well, Bella left some AU fanfics lying around, and I got to thinking…_ The thing is… growing.

**Jacob:** What is it? *Pictures spawn jutting out of Bella in manner of Alien.*

**Edward:** No idea. Help me stop it.

**Jacob:** By offering my stud services? That is really sick.

**Penguin:** Okay, and rule #2 of the Bella Birthing shot game is to take a shot any time anyone mentions inseminating Bella with the purpose of getting her pregnant with un-vampirish sperm.

**Everyone:** *shudders at wrongness of situation and take shot*

**Edward:** Is it such a high cost?

**Jacob's inner monologue: **Um, you are really twisted and sick, sir. Do you even hear what the crap you're saying? Where the hell did cocky, suave Edward go?

**Edward's Balls:** I am a major part of that Edward, and he's become somewhat of an embarrassment by association. I'm taking a minor hiatus from this whole mess.

**Edward:** The moment Bella's heart stops beating, I will be begging for you to kill me.

**Jacob:** So, I convince Bella to have were-babies with me, and if I don't and she dies I kill you?

**Edward:**Basically.

**Jacob:** _Ummm, fucked up but…_ deal.

**Edward:** Deal.

**Jacob & Edward:** *run away from scene to take a long shower and rediscover their pride and manhood, because both have obviously escaped them*


	12. Lame’s Retarded Cousin

**Lame's Retarded Cousin**

**Jacob's inner monologue:** I felt like I was in some Goth version of a bad sitcom. The finished-second-place werewolf about to ask the vampire's wife to shack up and procreate. Nice.

**browniechadowes:** *applauds Jacob's inner monologue*

**Edward:** We're going to let Jacob and Bella speak privately.

**Bella:** Ummm, not so sure about that. Remember the time when all the rabid evil baby vampires were running around and you let me talk to him in private?

**Rosalie:** Over my pile of ashes.

**browniechadowes:** *throws keyboard at Stephenie's face* Stupid vampire jokes.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** The girl was a classic martyr. She'd totally been born in the wrong century.

**Edward:** Took you that long to figure out? She's been trying to martyr herself since the preface of Twilight.

**Jacob:** *takes Bella's hands*

**Bella:** That feels good. _Mmmm, if I weren't knocked up with my undead lover love's demon baby I might try to make a pass at you._

**Jacob:** You're hideous. Thing-from-the-swamp scary.

**Everyone:** Takes shot for rule #1.

**Bella:** *smiles* Yay! Smiling. It feels good to smile. I don't know how much drama I can stand.

**Jacob:** _Ummm, let's see Bells, you run after a sadistic vampire in the first book, run off to the crazed blood sucking and slightly flamboyant vampires in the second book, cut your freaking arm so that redheaded bitch wants to eat you in the third book, and are now in this predicament._ What're you thinking, Bells? Seriously! I told you-

**Bella:** Awww, Steph. I really don't want to do this joke. It's like lame's retarded cousin.

**Stephenie:** Oh, Bella, the novel needs a bit of fluff, a bit of humor. Now go on, before I break your water.

**Bella:** Gah. Did you know that "I told you so" has a brother? His name is "Shut the hell up"

**Jacob:** *groans* Ugh.

**Bella:** I can't take credit, _and apparently neither can Stephenie_. It's from the Simpsons.

**Jacob:** Is dementia one of your symptoms?

**Bella**_**:**__ Nope. I've pretty much been like that since Edwardkins popped into the story._ I believe in magic.

**Orchestra:** strikes up "Do You Believe in Magic?"

**Jacob:** _Dude, maestro, so not the right time._ Magic?

**Bella:** *going all space-cadet* You've got some magic waiting for you.

**Jacob:** Umm, Bella, if that's a come-on… no offense but you are bursting with vampire fetus and not looking all that sexy at the moment…

**Bella:** No, your imprinting thing. Like magic.

**Future!Jacob:** Run. Away. Now.

**Jacob:** If you think imprinting will make sense of this insanity… What was the point of your twisted love story, in the end, if you die?

**Bella:** Faith, Jacob. Faith. Oh, and Edward let slip a few details about Breaking Dawn.

**Jacob:** Gah, stop. I don't wanna know.

**Bella:** *creepily rocking back and forth* I can do this. I can do this.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Jesus, she's as cracked as the liberty bell. This is so damn demented.

**Bella:** So, I'm basically going to tell you my plan. I'm going to give birth to my little bundle of pseudo-undead joy and then have Edward change me into Vamptastic!Bella.

**Jacob:** Listen to Carlisle.

**Bella:** I won't kill him.

**Jacob:** Bouncing baby boy, huh? *brings out blue ribboned cigars*

**Bella:** I don't know. I'm just seriously tripping out over babydom right now and picture a little boy with green eyes.

**Edward: ***makes bet with Embry over sex of baby* Well, there's an easy 50 bucks at least.

**Jacob:** You won't be okay.

**Bella:** You're very pessimistic, Jacob.

**Jacob:** _Ya, well since Stephenie decided to throw your ass out of the thrown of narratorship, I've become a little testy._ It will not be okay. _Oh, Jesus._ Hey Caius, can you distract Stephenie for a second? I'll let you take a bite out of Jessica over there.

**Caius:** I guess *dazzles Stephenie who super!fangirl swoons*

**Jacob:** _Alright so I'm going to cut through about a page of this dribble. Basically I say Bella's going to die. She says she's not and the baby's just strong. Baby punches her in the abdomen. Aaaand, now I'm going to suggest something really disgusting._ Any baby of his would be the same… but what if… not a stranger…

**Everyone:** Takes shot for rule #2.

**Bella:** Where did that come from?

**Jacob:** Um, your husband came up with the brilliant idea for me to shack up with you. Hot, huh?

**Bella:** Wow. He'd do anything for me.

**Jacob's inner monologue: ***rolls eyes* Ya, because it'd be so easy for me to have sex with the love of my life, impregnate her, and then send her on back to her vampire husband. Mmm hmmm. And, that would be my cue to leave.

**Bella:** Where are you going?

**Jacob:** I'm not going to hang around and watch you die, Bella. _The martyr crap is getting really, really old._

**Bella:** Bye. Love you, Jake.

**Jacob:** Sure, sure. _Ughhhh. Just… that's all I can say. Uggghhhhhhhhhh with Jesus H. Christ on top._

Running with the Pack:

**Collective!Wolves:** What the crap? Holy mother of God. Unnatural. Monstrous. We can't allow it. Wait- how the hell did Edward do this anyway? Hasn't he been dead for like 100 years?

**Jacob:** Ughh, go online and read Stephenie's lame explanation.

**Collective!Wolves:** We have to kill it before it's too late.

**Jared:** If we catch them divided, we can take them down separately.

**Jacob:** Wait. This is crazy. This afternoon you were afraid to put the pack in danger_. For some odd reason, am feeling very protective of Bella AND mutant spawn… hmmm, and am beginning to suddenly fantasize about a certain person's uterus. Wow, I am really demented._

**Leah: **Meh, well Bella's gonna kick the bucket anyway…

**Jacob:** *lunges at Leah*

**Seth:** _Aggghh! Kill the fantasticness that is Edward Cullen?_ We should talk about this some more.

**Sam:** I am now going to be Alpha!Asshole and tell Jacob to fight Emmett and Jasper.

**Emmett:** *teetering away from wet bar* Hells ya! *throws Super Bear a high five* Finally, some action.

**Penguin:** *behind Emmett's back* Have the heart to tell him there won't be a fight?

**Super Bear:** Nope. He looks too damn happy.

**Sam:** Paul, Jared, and I will take on Edward and Rosalie. Brady, Collin, Seth, and Leah will concentrate on Carlisle and Alice. Ermm and whoever sees Bell- the creature- will take it.

**Esme:** Look, I know I'm not a main character or anything, but I am a vampire. No one's going to try to come at me?

**Collective!Wolves:** *ignore Esme*

**Jacob:** _I think I'm gonna be sick, honestly. My life is all sorts of fucked up_. Nopers. Not doing it.

**AssholeAlpha!Sam:** Yeppers. No loopholes. You, Jacob, are going to fight the Cullens with us.

**Jacob:** *takes doll out of Sam's hand and pulls off its head* Stupid Alpha.


	13. Stephenie Knows Shit About Biology

**Stephenie Knows Shit About Biology**

**Jacob:** Hey Caius, still distracting Stephenie?

**Caius:** Yes, but this is rather an annoying situation, why?

**Jacob:** Erm, because she wrote a whole chapter that could be summed up in a few sentences, and I don't really want to piss her off today by breezing through it with her knowledge.

**Caius:** I guess I could stall her for a few more minutes… *dazzles Stephenie as she passes out in a pool of fangirl drool*

**Jacob:** Sweet. Alright, so I basically say scew you, pack. I don't want to kill my mutant spawn impregnated unrequited love lover. I am now going to mutate into Alpha!Jacob. I rule. Literally.

**Seth:** No way, man. If you get to hang around Edward all day, I'm breaking off too.

**Jacob**: You slightly suck.

**Sam:** ? *crying* I need my doll.

**Stephenie:** Gah! *wiping off mouth* Jacob, I let you narrate and you literally blast away five pages of my manuscript?!? Get your furry butt back to narrating the way I planned.

**Jacob:** What gives, Caius?

**Caius:** *washing self off with discarded loofa* Sorry, Jacob, but the fangirl drool was a step too far for me.

**Stephenie:** JACOB BLACK, GET BACK TO NARRATING RIGHT NOW!

**Jacob:** Damn, you didn't have to go all caps on my ass. Fine.

**Seth:** Well, I'm just dandy.

**Jacob:** Stop being so…_ gay? Completely vamp-whipped?_ Optimistic.

At the Cullens:

**Wolfy!Seth:** We come in peace. Phone home. I'll be riiighhttt heeeere. *does creepy ET finger up move*

**Wolfy!Jacob:** You sound stupid.

**Edward:** *reading Jacob's mind* They want to kill Bella?

**Jacob's inner monologue:** No, they want to hold a baby shower for your weird strong little fetus. You want a diaper genie?

**Edward:** Em, Jazz. The pack is coming.

**Emmett:** What's their problem? _And since when do you use cute little nicknames for us?_

**Edward:** The same problem as mine. _My sperm is a muscular undead mess. _

**Wolfy!Seth:** I'm going to take a look.

**Edward:** Will you be in danger?

**Wolfy!Seth:** _Awww, he cares. _I'm outta here. Tootles.

**Edward:** This isn't the first time I've owed you my gratitude, Jacob_. Right, because I owe a hell of a lot of gratitude to the guy that face raped my wife, tried to convince her to leave me, and is slightly ecstatic about the off-chance that he will get to reproduce with her._

**Jacob: **_Ummm, going to try to gloss over how lost and confused your balls really must be. _Bella any better?

**Edward:** Worse.

Somewhere Outside in the Woods:

**Seth:** Why're you so down, Jake?

**Jacob:** Oh I don't know. The one girl I truly lurrrve is going to die by way of mutant sperm and I can't really do anything about it.

**Seth:** Poor Edward.

**Jacob:** Umm, what about poor Jacob? I mean, if she dies I'm not even going to be able to try to make wolfy babies with her.

**Seth:** *fills up everyone's shot glasses* That's rule #2. And that just plain ol' sucks rocks, Jacob!

**Jacob:** So is the suckiness of my life.

At the Cullens:

**Jacob:** *looking in at Bella, who is drenched in exorcist vomit and plugged into beeping machines* Ugghhh, worse was definitely an understatement.

The Next Morning:

**Leah:** Morning, boys.

**Seth:** _Argghhh, sister cooties._ Go away, Leah!

**Leah:** Nope. I'm joining your crappy little renegade pack.

**Jacob:** Why the hell are you here?

**Leah's inner monologue:** Ummm, I wanted to break away from my Sammikins… when the object of your vibrator affections can read each and every fantasy that goes through your mind, it gets a little awkward.

**Jacob:** *reading Leah's mind* Ughh. Leah you don't like me. I don't like you.

**Leah/Jacob shippers:** It's true love!

**browniechadowes:** No. If Jacob is narrating this, I will not allow any stupid wolf shipping to go on. I do not have the patience for it. *pushes Leah/Jacob shippers into pool of fangirl drool*

**Seth:** Leah, you ruin everything.

**Leah:** Yeah, I know. _I think Stephenie wrote me just to torture someone else. I mean, my character is a bitch (no pun intended) and I highly doubt it gets any better from here._ I belong to your pack, Jacob. The end.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** She loved Sam. Still. And having him wish she would disappear was more pain than she was willing to live with.

**Leah:** Thank you, Dr. Freud.

**Jacob:** Well, what happened after we left?

**Leah:** Lots of howling. _Sam just stood in a corner cuddling his anatomically correct doll, and Paul became pissy again._

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Ugh, Paul. Stole my Doritos and my sister… gah, bad, bad thoughts.

At the Cullens:

**Carlisle:** Are you all right, Jacob?

**Jacob:** _Peachy keen. Never been better. Apart from the travesty that is my life._ How's Bella?

**Carlisle:** She's awake.

**Jacob: **She's family to you?

**Carlisle:** Yep. She's a beloved daughter.

**Jacob:** That you're going to let die… _God you must _really_ love her._

**Carlisle:** I can't force her.

**Jacob:** _Damn pro-choice. It usually doesn't flip this way._ What's that thing doing to her?

**Carlisle**: The fetus isn't compatible with her body. Too strong. Her body is rejecting every form of nutrition. I can't figure out what it wants.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Ummm, Carlisle aren't you supposed to be some sort of old as dirt genius doctor vampire guy? Assuming the damn thing is half-vampire, maybe, oh, just maybe, it might want a blood cocktail?

**Carlisle:** Hum dee hum. I am going to drabble on about chromosomes. Vampires have 25, humans have 23, you have 24… _and Stephenie has obviously never opened up a Biology textbook, as goldfish have 50 pairs… less is sometimes more in the whole chromosome case. _

**Jacob:** What does that mean?

**Carlisle:** It means that I thought our species were almost completely different. _Again, a testament to the fact that Stephenie knows shit about biology. I mean, the horse has 32 pairs and the donkey has 31, but put the two together and Voila! The mule is born. You would think I would know that._

**Jacob's inner monologue:** It had been easy to hate Edward for the same ignorance. I still hated him for it.

**Edward: **Carlisle. I was listening to Jacob's thoughts. We need to feed the fetus.

**Jacob:** Definitely didn't say that.

**Carlisle:** Not following you.

**Edward: **We need to have Bella drink some blood.

**Carlisle's inner monologue:** God, I really suck as a doctor, don't I?

**browniechadowes:** *sets fire to her copy of Breaking Dawn*

**Emmett:** Sweet! Rule #3. Any time Bella has to take a shot of O Positive, we have to match it.

**Jacob: ***vomits yet again* You're going to make Bella drink blood? That's just… _severely and utterly fucked to the up._

**Edward:** If it helps her? _Not that in the back of my mind I might find that slightly erotic in a vampire sexy type way…_Bella, love, we're going to ask you to do something monstrous.

**Bella:** Oooh, is it by any chance something with a hint of martyrdom?

**Carlisle:** Ummm, sure. We think the fetus is thirsty.

**Bella:** Blood? So, who's going to catch me a grizzly bear?

**Edward:** *groans* Ugghhh, Bella, seriously? You're going to drag that crappy joke back from the dead? I mean, that may have been slightly endearing, like, in the first novel.

**Bella:** I'm starving *pats misshapen abdomen*, so I'll bet he is too. My first vampire act.

**browniechadowes:** *hauls off and punches Stephenie for entire chapter and attempt at lame vampire joke* Uggghhhh.

**Penguin:** *to browniechadowes* Shot?

**browniechadowes:** *swipes the bottle from Penguin's flippers* Bottle.


	14. Mmmmmmm Bloooood

**Mmmmmmm Bloooood**

**Jacob's inner monologue:** _Ummm, am now going to monologue about how creepy the Cullen house probably is._ Fridge full of blood, check. Torture chamber? Coffin room? I would never blame Leah again for spreading her misery around. _Case in point: Edward making lovey eyes at Pregnant!Bella. Ugh._

**Bella:** This was your idea?

**Jacob:** Don't blame me for this one. _Your vampire's the one with the blood fetish, not me._

**Bella:** I hate causing you trouble.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Then you probably shouldn't have led me on for the past year… just a thought.

**Bella:** Nothing new, is it?

**Jacob:** Nope. Oh and Leah joined my pack.

**Bella:** *le gasp* Leah?

**Jacob:** You're scared of Leah, but you're best buds with the psychopath blonde_? Again, with the blondist remarks…_

**Bella:** Rose understands.

**Jacob:** She understands that you're gonna die and she doesn't care, s'long as she gets her mutant spawn out of the deal.

**Rosalie:** Damn. He's onto me. *passes cup o' blood to Bella*

**Edward:** Sweetheart, we can find an easier way. _I mean, it is rather bizarre… you would think it would be easier to feed the blood through her IV… nutrients to a fetus get there through the blood stream anyway. But hell, I'm not the doctor in this room._

**Bella:** AGGGHHHH! Stephenie, are you really having me do this? I mean, I don't get to narrate anymore, I'm knocked up and my fetus is punching the crap out of me, and now you're going to have me drink blood?

**Stephenie:** It's for the baby, and the irony is good for book sales.

**Bella:** Oh of all things that are holy. *picks up glass* Mmmmm blooood. It smells good. *gulps* Tastes good too.

**Everyone:** *reluctantly takes a shot*

**Jacob:** Ugh, ugh, double fucking ugh.

**Edward:** Hot.

**Bella:** Does this screw my total?

**Edward:** No one died for this.

**Jacob:** ?

**Edward:** I'll explain later.

**Bella:** What?

**Edward:** Nothing, darling. _I'm going to lie to you for no reason whatsoever._

**Jacob's inner monologue:** He has to work on the honesty thing.

**Edward:** *lips twitching*

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Bella chugged a few more ounces.

**Everyone:** *chugs down a few more shots*

**Jacob's inner monologue:** No one but me would be disgusted by what she was doing. They were probably having a tough time not ripping the cup away from her.

**Edward:** *rolls eyes*

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Edward, you sir are annoying. Wish you had the capacity to annoy the crap out of your wife.

**Edward:** *giggle*

**Bella: **Something funny?

**Edward:** Jacob.

**Bella:** Jake's a crack-up. _And I mean that in a completely platonic loving sense, because ever since I became Pregnant!Bella have become consumed with fetal!love and suddenly no longer see Jacob as sexy._

**Jacob:** Bada bing. _Because that is not severely hurtful to my man-ego in any way shape or form. _

**Bella:** I want more blood. Jake, you look awful.

**Jacob:** _That's a little rich, coming from bruised uterus girl over there._ Look who's talking.

**Bella:** Get some rest.

**Carlisle:** She needs food. Does anything sound particularly good to you, Bella?

**Bella:** Eggs.

**Edward and Bella:** *Laugh their asses off*

**Jacob:** ? _I hate love.*getting up to leave*_

**Kaure:** *pops head in, speaking random Portuguese* Stupid lusty poultry fetishes.

**Bella:** Thanks, Jacob.

Outside:

**Wolfy!Seth:** They're coming. Four of them. Three wolves, one man. Should I warn the Cullens?

**Wolfy!Jacob:** Nope. They're ready.

**Wolfy!Leah:** Sam wouldn't be so stupid_. Sam is perfection with a cherry on top._

**Jared: ***waves flag* White flag of truce, Jake. Jake, we want you to come back. This is an overreaction.

**Wolfy!Seth:** Overreaction? _And attacking a glorious hung of man that is Edward Cullen isn't?_

**Wolfy!Jacob:** Dude, cool it.

**Jared:** We can wait for Bella… _to pop out the demon vamp!baby_… to be separated from the problem.

**Wolfy!Leah:** Dude, Jake. They're betting on Bella dying anyway and that you'll be so mad_… that you'll go Terminator on their ass._

**Wolfy!Jacob:** That I'll lead the attack myself. Leah, go away while I phase.

**Wolfy!Leah:** I've seen you naked before. _Not that impressive, man. There are pills that supposedly help you out with that…_

**Wolfy!Jacob:** Get out of here_. I can hear your inner monologue. Does everyone feel the need to kill my ego? I thought that's what Bella's character was here for._

**Jared:** Come home. Let Seth and Leah come home, too.

**Jacob:** Like I haven't been begging them to do that from hour one.

**Jared:** Sam is sorry about what he did to you.

**Jacob:** Ya, but don't really care. _For some reason I get antsy when I'm away from Bella's blackened uterus. Sure that's not foreshadowing or anything, though._

**Jared:** Seth, your mom's brokenhearted. I mean, your dad just barely died-

**Jacob:** Low blow, man. Ease up.

**Jared:** Oh there's more. Leah, Sam told me to beg. He wants you home, Lee-lee, where you belong.

**Wolfy!Leah:** Fuck my life.

**Jacob:** Where's Embry?

**Jared:** None of your business.

**Jacob: **_Jeez, lighten up on the hostility_. Just curious.

**Jared:** Bye, Jacob.

**Jacob:** *to Quil* Tell Embry I miss having you two on my flanks.

**Leah:** That's what she said.

**Seth**: I guess we know why Embry wasn't allowed to come.

**Jacob:** Not allowed?

**Seth:** Ya, the whole flanks comment… Embry doesn't have a Claire… and Quil asked you on a date. Sam's not going to take any chances on him. Embry and Quil would rather stand behind you…

**browniechadowes:** Seriously, Seth. .Shipping.

**Jacob:** *thinks of Bella's blood guzzling*

**Everyone:** *takes a shot*

**Seth:** Ew.

**Leah:** That is easily the freakin' grossest thing I've heard of in my life. Yuck.

**browniechadowes:** *high fives Leah*

**Seth:** If it helps Bella, it's a good thing, right?

**Jacob: ***checking Seth for balls* You are sounding a hell of a lot like Edward.

**Leah:** Mom dropped him a lot when he was a baby.

**Jacob:** On his balls?

**Leah: **No, those just haven't dropped yet. He used to gnaw on lead paint chips too.

**Seth:** Funny.


	15. That’s Not Even Funny

**That's Not Even Funny**

**Jacob's inner monologue: **Someone had laid out clothes. That was… nice. And weird. And kind of stinky. And a little small. And I know beggars can't be choosers, but I look some sort of ridiculous. Bella was wrapped up like a burrito in a couple of thick quilts. Sweet, at least I'm not the only one that looks freaktastic.

**Bella:** *lusty smile at Jacob*

**Jacob's inner monologue:** You damn scarlet woman. For crying out loud, she was married! And hugely pregnant.

**Edward:** *frowns at LustyPregnant!Bella*

**Bella:** Get some sleep.

**Jacob's inner monologue: **Damn. I didn't think I looked that bad.

**Rosalie:** Where's the flood, mutt? _Aha! Yay, I get to be a super!bitch._

**Jacob:** Umm, okay I'm just going to skip over Stephenie's lame jokes and take some out of my own arsenal… What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?

**Rosalie:** ?

**Jacob:** You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

**Rosalie:** That's not even funny.

**Edward:** *to Jacob* I'm sorry.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Dude, really. Do you want me to order my pack to run patrol for your balls? I'm actually beginning to wonder how you even managed to knock Bella up.

**Edward:** Esme's upset that you are all so… bereft.

**Jacob:** ? Dictionary?

**Edward:** Deprived.

**Jacob: **_Really… who talks like that? _We're tough. Tell her not to worry.

**Edward:** Please don't consider yourselves without the benefits of a home. _Jesus, Stephenie, where the hell did my personality go? Where's the whole "I feel intimidated by Jacob Black" thing? What the hell was the point of Eclipse?_

**Bella:** *panting*

**Alice:** *creepy staring*

**Bella:** Ow. Yep. Broke a rib.

**Carlisle:** To the X-ray machine!

**Alice:** Want a pillow?

**Jacob:** No. _You are creeping me out._ How come you're never with Bella anymore?

**Alice:** I have a headache. _And browniechadowes wasn't too happy about my Bella shipping. And Bella obviously whored herself out to my brother… and has been throwing herself onto Rosalie… I'm rather put out with her at the moment._ The fetus gives me a headache.

**Emmett: **She's just bitching because of the Bella Pregnancy game. Really, Alice, all of those shots are giving everyone headaches. Not just you.

**Alice:** You numb the headache.

**Jacob:** Happy to be of service, ma'am.

**Jasper:** Fuck. First Bella, now Alice? Don't you even try to entice her with a sexy southern drawl. That's one of the only things I have going for me… that and I could probably make her orgasm from the other side of the room without touching her if I tried.

**Alice and Jacob:** ?

**Dream!Jacob: **I was really thirsty. And there was a big glass of water. Gah, not water. Bleach. It burns!

**Rosalie: **You suck. Go die on your own dog drool.

**Jacob:** Whoa, channeling Jessica much?

**Seth:** *stuffing face with breakfast and staring at Edward* Man, you can cook.

**Edward:** Thank you.

**Jacob:** What time is it now?

**Seth:** 'Bout dawn.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Well, shit. I'm sure that's some sort of foreshadowing about Bella's current condition. Not too subtle there, huh Steph?

**Jacob:** How's the rib?

**Pregnant!Bella:** I don't even feel it. _I am so overcome with pregnant joy._

**Jacob: **_I hate Pregnant!Bella. Is everyone in this series going through a serious personality disorder or something? I swear when I was flipping back through Twilight no one was acting this way…except maybe Rosalie. _What's for breakfast?

**Bella:** Omelets and blood.

**Everyone:** *takes shot*

**Jacob:** I'm going to ignore how fucked up this situation is.

**Esme:** _Oooh, goodie! Lines!_ Take some food when you go. Take something to eat. *runs over to Aro, stealing cream puffs, and stuffing them into Jacob's mouth*

**Jacob:** Uh, sure, sure. _Creepy, creepy vamptastic hospitality._

**Esme:** Thank you, Jacob.

**Jacob:** _You're welcome? _Thank you. _Gah, my life is just too damn weird. _

**Bella:** Come back later, Jake? _In a completely friendly sense, of course._ Please? I might get cold. *tries and fails to do ass sexy pose, as belly is ginormous and has cracked ribs*

**Jacob's inner monologue: **So not fair. Edward needs to find his balls fast so he can reign in his tramp of a wife. But goddamn if her uterus weren't so freaking sexilicious… whoa, terrible, messed up fantasy.

**Esme:** I left a basket of clothes for Leah. Do you mind taking them to her?

**Jacob: **_Ummm, have you actually met Leah? Pretty sure she'd rather dance around wearing only a used jock strap on her head rather than wear vamptastical clothes. _Sure.

Outside:

**Seth:** So I'm going to give you the rundown on all that you missed during your slumber. The Cullens are going hunting. Carlisle's buying more blood. Bella broke another rib, and Bella's telling Charlie that she's doing better. Bella and Alice want you to stop by.

**Jacob:** Ugh.

**Seth:** There's nothing wrong with you, Jake. _Apart from being completely deluded into thinking that you're still in the running with Bella, what with her being married, pregnant, and super bent on being a vampire._

**Jacob: **Shut up, Seth.

At the Cullens:

**Jacob:** Where's Bella?

**Alice:** Pissing for about the 50th time today. Blood diet and mutant babies will do that to ya.

**Jacob:** Ah.

**Rosalie:** I knew I smelled something nasty.

**Bella:** Jacob, you came.

**Jacob:** _I'm keeping tabs on every time you say that, damn it. I think you're up to about six now. It's NOT FUNNY._ Hi, Bells.

**Bella:** *suggestively* I'm a little cold.

**Jacob:** *snuggles up to Bella*

**Edward:** *looks deep into Bella's eyes, not even worrying about Jacob*

**Jacob:** Damn it. Where the fuck did your personality go, man?

**Edward's balls:** Oh, his personality's just chilling out with me, far away from that travesty of hot vampiness.

**Alice:** Rosalie, get Jacob something to eat.

**Jacob:** Pretty sure I don't want to die today…

**Rosalie:** *handing Jacob bowl bent like dog dish* Enjoy, mongrel.

**Jacob:** Alright, 1. Mongrel really doesn't offend me. 2. Dog dish really doesn't offend me. 3. Blonde joke number 2. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

**Rosalie:** ?

**Jacob:** If you slap a mosquito, it'll stop sucking. Bu-dum ching.

**Rosalie: **Still pretty lame, but better than the retriever joke that was written in.

**Jacob:** I'll keep trying. So… um… Bella, what's the, er, due date for the little monster?

**Bella:** I don't know. I've been gaining about two centimeters a day, sometimes more…

**Jacob's inner monologue:** There _are gonna be some nasty stretch marks when she's done with this business. _What'd that give her, four days? It took me a minute to figure out how to swallow.

**Rosalie:** That's what she said.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** I was related to her expanding belly- as if by getting bigger, she was gaining gravitational force.

**Future!Jacob:** Fuck, man. It's starting. Get the hell out of the vamptastic house while you still can!

**Stephenie:** *tazes Future!Jacob and drops him into the pit of discarded characters*

**Bella:** *runs finger across Jacob's cheekbone and croons in creeptastic voice* It's going to be okay.

**Jacob:** _Ugh. Nothing's okay if you keep talking like that._ Right.

**Bella:** I didn't think you would come.

**Jacob:** _Really, Bella. That's seven._ You wanted me here.

**Bella:** Thank you for coming.

**Jacob:** _Goddamn it *suppresses laughter* That's eight._ Why do you want me here?

**Bella:** You-complete-me.

**Jacob:** _Don't try to pull that Jerry Maguire bullshit, Bella._ I'll never be part of your family.

**Future!Jacob:** *from in the pit* Shut the hell up!

**Edward: **I quite agree. Jacob, you don't even want to go there.

**Bella:** You've always been a part of my family.

**Jacob:** That's a crap answer. _If that were the case, we had some definitely creep incest-ish moments going on in the last book…_

**Bella:** You're supposed to be part of my life. I can feel that. *pours lemon juice into Jacob's paper cuts, according to Stephenie*

**Edward:** She's exhausted. _And all this impending talking about metaphoric lemons has me sexually frustrated and creeped out by looming thought of imprinting. So, I'm going to change the subject to something lighter. _The creatures use their own teeth to escape the womb.

**Jacob:** ARGGHHHHH. FUCKED UP. *throws bowl in frustration at Rosalie's head*

**Rosalie:** ...

**Jacob's inner monologue: **So, fact 1. Bella had a uterus of steel. Fact 2. Rosalie was pretty sure they could get fetus spawn out. Fact 3. Edward was pretty sure Eddie Jr. was going to chew through said uterus of steel. Fact 4. Ughh, one of the vampires was going to be chewing through Bella's uterus like a twinkie.


	16. Girl Business

**Girl Business**

**Jacob:** Race you.

**Leah:** Meh, okay. Am I less annoying than Paul now?

**Jacob:** Well, since you haven't jacked off to Sam in a while, sure. As long as you keep the girl business to yourself, we're good.

**Leah:** Hmmm, I might keep that in mind. Oh, and by the way, you're pretty good as an Alpha.

**Jacob:** Thanks? Now let's eat some deer. Just think together, like a wolf.

**Leah:** Nom nom, fur and skin.

**Jacob:** My head is not going to be happy. And you'll have to suffer right along with me.

**Leah:** She's your Sam. Oh and by the way, the blonde that you hate so much? Ya, I like her.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Ugh. Blondes.

**Leah:** I'm a genetic dead end. Am now going to talk about "female stuff", "immaculate crap", "female", "genetic override", "menopause".

**Jacob:** ARGH, ummm pretty sure I said something about girl business being off limits. And I in no way ever want to talk about menopause with you… or anyone else really.

**Leah:** If my uterus didn't hate me, I'm pretty sure Sam would've imprinted on me.

**Jacob:** I dunno. Bella's seems to be pretty damn strong… and no imprinto there.

**Leah:** Don't you want to imprint?

**Jacob:** Hell, no!

**Future!Jacob:** Keep telling yourself that, buddy. It's not like you're going to run off and try to imprint within the next few hours or anything.

At the Cullens:

**Alice:** Hey, wolf.

**Jacob:** Hey, shortie. _Erm, Steph, was that supposed to be funny, endearing, or cute? Because my answer would be D, none of the above._

**Alice:** Oh, Bella's fetus broke her pelvis.

**Jacob:** Ugh.

**Bella: ***grips cup o' blood*

**Everyone:** *takes a shot*

**Jacob:** Carlisle, you're good to go. Sam's all preoccupied with his doll at the moment.

**Carlisle:** Thank you. *icy touch*

**Rosalie:** Ew. Dog.

**Jacob:** Hey, a blonde's brain cells die alone.

**Rosalie:** Is that supposed to be clever?

**Jacob:** Meh, it is Stephenie trying to be humorous. You answer that one yourself.

**Bella:** You look tired.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** This is the moment I realize that Pregnant!Bella has three phrases when talking to me: I'm glad you came, you look tired, and I love my mutant baby fetus.

**Rosalie:** I want to kill you. *refills Bella's bloody cup*

**Edward:** *to Bella* Did you say something?

**Bella: **Me? Nopers. Just sucking on my blood, thinking about feathers and super Edward sperm.

**Jacob:** AGGGHHH *sings to self* _Too much freaking information. And I don't even want to know about the feathers._

**Edward:** The baby likes the sound of your voice.

**Bella:** Ah, Steph, have my cursing privileges been revoked?

**Stephenie:** The baby can hear you.

**Bella:** _Ughh._ Holy crow, you can hear him! *pats belly creepily* Sorry, baby.

**Edward:** He's happy.

**Fetus's inner monologue:** Don't really know why I'm not cluing him in to the fact that I do not, in fact, have a penis.

**Pregnant!Bella:** Pretty baby. I love you so much, little EJ, of course you're happy.

**Emmett:** Sweet! Okay, any time Bella decides to name the baby something inappropriate or stupid, take a shot!

**Edward:** Awww, baby likes my voice, too.

**Pregnant!Bella:** You have the most… _God, Steph, really I have gone way over into Bella obsession-land. This is even reaching a little far…_ You have the most beautiful voice in the universe. Who wouldn't love it? *convulses due to overdose in sugary language*

**Rosalie:** And if he's a she?

**Fetus:** Thank you.

**Bella:** Ruh-nez-may.

**Fetus:** *punches Bella's ovaries* My life is seriously going to suck.

**Everyone:** *takes a shot*

**Bella:** Too weird?

**Rosalie:** _Sweet, even if she ends up being prettier than me, she'll have a lame ass name to follow her along._ No, I like it.

**Bella:** I still think he's an Edward.

**Fetus's inner monologue:** My mother is an idiot.

**Edward:** He loves you.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** I am alone. All alone. Stupid married unrequited lover love actually loving her baby and her husband. Stupid.

**Edward:** Go, Jacob. To the super sexy pimp mobile!

**Jacob:** *catches keys, grabs pimp cane and fuzzy hat, and goes on operation imprint*


	17. Operation Imprint

**Operation Imprint**

**Jacob's inner monologue: **So Edward gave me the keys to a really bad ass Aston Martin… he still sucks for being, well, him. I decide that all of my problem s would disappear if I imprinted. Wah hah! So operation imprint commences.

**Random girl's inner monologue:** Who is this big freak glaring at me?

**Jacob: **Come on, you know you want a piece of this man-cake.

**Random girl:** *runs into pit of discarded characters.*

**Mike:** *poking sticky head out of pit* Dude, you should try to imprint more often. Girls just keep popping up down here.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** So I come to the conclusion that there are only two reasons for me not imprinting. 1. My balls are as shriveled up and useless as Leah's ovaries, or 2. God really fucking hates me.

**Lizzie:** Hey, you okay? You, with the stolen car.

**Jacob:** _Imprint, imprint, imprint._ _Gah._ It's borrowed, not stolen. You need something?

**Lizzie:** _I want to have crazy stranger sex with you._ Not really. I'm Lizzie.

**Everyone:** *watches as Jacob/OC shippers fit Lizzie into their smutty imprint stories*

**Lizzie:** Anyway… _I'm going to try to dazzle you with my car knowledge._ This is a beautiful body, er car. How do you ride?

**Jacob:** ?

**Lizzie:** How's it drive?

**Jacob:** Like you wouldn't believe.

**Lizzie:** Hot.

**Jacob:** Better get this car back. _Why am I not going for this sexy piece of ass, Steph? May I reiterate again how I am definitely not getting any throughout these books without face raping someone?_

**Lizzie:** *looking at cane and fuzzy hat* Wish you were straight.

**Jacob:** ?

**Lizzie:** Glad to hear you're going straight?

**Jacob:** Yeah, you convinced me.

**Lizzie:** *mumbling to self while grabbing cool whip and jumping into the pit* Obviously not.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** So I'm going to be really melodramatic. I'm going to be all alone with fucking Leah. I take my anger out on the road, speeding like a bat out of hell again, when…

**Edward:** Jacob.

**Jacob:** What do you want now?

**Edward:** You need to put a leash on your bitch.

**Jacob:** ?

**Edward:** What part of that do you not understand?

**Stephenie:** Edward, keep the cocky arrogant asshole-ness down to a minimum. At least be a gentleman about it.

**Edward:** *rolling eyes* Leah yelled at Bella about you. You were quite vehemently championed.

**Jacob:** _If I knew what that meant I might have a response for you. _I guess I'll talk to Leah… and Bella.

**Edward:** She's sleeping. And our child is apparently a genius.

**Jacob:** Are you _serious_?

**Edward:** Yes. _No need to look so damn shocked._

**Jacob's inner monologue:** I felt like my eyes might pop out of their sockets.

**Edward:** Oh and we're going to deliver the baby as soon as Carlisle's back.

**Jacob:** What?

**Edward:** Bella's too fragile.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Gah, plan to woo Bella from husband and mutant spawn is spiraling down the drain fantastically…

**Edward:** I am truly sorry for the pain this causes you, Jacob. I think of you as a brother in many ways. A comrade in arms.

**Jacob:** *slaps Edward* Find your balls, man.

**Edward's balls and Edward's personality:** Nope. That one over there's a lost cause. Not going back to that.

**Edward:** Oh, and can you drop the whole vamp-wolf treaty thing, pretty please?

**Jacob:** Maybe.

**Wolfy!Seth**: *rubs off on Edward*

**Jacob:** Tell your sister to reign in her PMS.

**Wolfy!Seth:** Sure thing, if it means I get to linger near this super sparkly sexy god that goes by the name of Edward Cullen. Mmmm man-candy.

**Edward:** *trying to hide flattered smile* He has one of the purest, sincerest, kindest minds I've ever heard. You're lucky to have his thoughts to share.

**Jacob:** Ugh.

**Bella:** Bella thirsty. Bella need blood. Pretty baby.

**Jacob:** Big day today, huh?

**Bella:** I'm so s-

**Jacob: ***pinches Bella's lips together* You can talk when you're not being stupid.

**Bella:** So I'm mute for the rest of the novel? Can I get that in writing? Because I have a bad feeling about the next few chapters…

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Leah wasn't my best friend the way that Bella was. _Guess I could turn my back on my tribe and my heritage for her. What are friends for?_ Go ahead, Edward. Save her, and make her Vamptastic!Bella.

**Edward:** Thanks.

**Bella:** Rose? *scrunched pee face*

**Rosalie:** Again?

**Bella:** Can I walk? My legs are so stiff. All righty, then. Whoops- oh, no! *Bella's cup goes flying.

**Everyone (even pit of discarded characters and everyone avoiding pit): **NOOOOOOOO! *slow motion try to catch cup before Bella is a dumbass*

**Bella**: *is a dumbass and tries to pick up cup* Oh!

**Jacob's inner monologue:** And then she gave a blood-curdling shriek of agony. Her body twitched and then Bella vomited a fountain of blood.

**Bella:** Oopsie. *wiping off mouth*

**Jacob:** AGHHHH! Fucked. Up. Shit.

**Pit of Discarded Characters:** *throw up on each other from too much tequila and grossness of scene*

**Edward:** Hot.


	18. Uterus of Steel

**Uterus of Steel**

**Jacob:** Aghhh. God, guys, seriously. Cannot get through this chapter without some liquid courage. *steals handle of vodka* Thank you, sweet lord.

**Edward:** Thank god my balls ran away a while ago, otherwise I don't think I'd be able to make it through this chapter. This one is all sorts of fuck-uppedness.

**Emmett:** *to everyone* Ummm, so this chapter's severely fucked up. I say we all just keep on guzzling until we either cannot see straight, or Stephenie gets off of the crack she's been smoking… whichever comes first.

**Jacob's inner monologue: **_God, so here we go._ Bella's body, streaming with red, started to twitch. It was the wold thrashing from inside the center of her body that moved her.

**Fetus:** I'm sorry, you try not to be pissed off when your mother is presumably the biggest dumbass of a protagonist I have ever encountered.

**Edward:** Morphine_! Because obviously the most important thing to do when your wife is unconscious and a fetus is trying to chew through her stomach is to make sure she's not freaked out by a little pain… ya._

**Jacob's inner monologue**: So I see Bell naked for the first time. How many times had I imagined her naked? Now I couldn't look_. Do not need to ruin my stroking material with any of this fucked up shit._

**Rosalie:** The placenta must have detached!

**Bella:** *wakes up* He can't breathe! Do it now! *pops blood vessels*

**Edward:** Morphine.

**Bella:** _Fuck you and your morphine,_ Edward, now! *chokes on blood*

**Edward:** Let the morphine spread!

**Everyone:** Fuck the morphine, Edward.

**Rosalie:** *cuts Bella's stomach with a scalpel*

**Edward:** No, Rose!

**Jacob:** *knocks Rosalie out of the way and rips scalpel out of arm*

**Edward: **CPR?

**Jacob:** _Um, ya, Mr. I Have Two Medical Degrees. Ask the junior in high school what to do when your mutant sperm impregnated wife is sliced open by her sister-in-law._ Yes.

**Fetus:** *sumo pounds Bella's spine* I'm claustrophobic, bitches.

**Jacob:** Dude, get it out of her! *does CPR*

**Edward: ***bites through Bella's uterus of steel*

**Jacob:** You stay with me now, Bella! Stay!

**Bella:** Well, no, Jacob, I was just thinking about prancing right out of here.

**Edward**: *in Lion King pride rock fashion holds up mutant spawn* Renesmee.

**Everyone:** *is passed out from blood and tequila and therefore can no longer take part in Bella Birthing shot game*

**Jacob's inner monologue:** So Bella'd been wrong. No big surprise there. What hadn't she been wrong about?

**Bella**_**:**__ I was actually pretty sharp at the beginning of Twilight. I really think Edward's kiss venom has some brain cell killing mechanism, though. Ooops, must croon._ Renes… mee. So… beautiful.

**Renesmee:** *bites Bella's left breast*

**Edward:** No, no, Renesmee. Do not bite off mommy's nipple.

**Jacob:** _Earth to Edward. Your wife is bleeding all over the place with her stomach wide open. Edward? Edward! Fucking Christ, I'll do it myself._ *starts up CPR again as Edward stares at Renesmee* What are you waiting for?

**Edward:** Take the baby.

**Jacob:** Throw it out the window.

**Future!Jacob:** I second that opinion.

**Edward:** *stabs Bella in heart with syringe in manner of Pulp Fiction*

**Jacob's inner monologue:** I am now going to describe in disgusting detail how Edward bites Bella's throat, wrists, arm, et cetera, licking where he'd bitten her. And then I find it appropriate to quote Humpty Dumpty. We couldn't put Bella together again.

**Orchestra:** Bum bum buuuuuuuuum.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Ugh, want to get out of here.

**Edward:** Go, then. She's not dead. She's fine.

**Jacob:** Erm, whatever floats your boat.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Rosalie was feeding the little mutant blood. I decided that the spawn must die. It had to be destroyed. *puts finger up to mouth in manner of Dr. Evil* Hmmm, hate Edward. Must punish him. No Bella. No killer spawn. And also missing as many members of his family as I was able to take down.

**Future!Jacob:** Dude, back away. Don't do it. Go back home. Finish up high school. Get drunk with Embry and Quil. Fix a few cars. Have a normal life, I'm begging you.

**Jacob:** *ignores Future!Jacob and looks into Renesmee's eyes*

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Every string from my life snipped away, and millions of steel cables tied me to this baby girl… Oh fuck. I'm a pedophile.


	19. Pokemon Chatrooms

**Pokemon Chatrooms**

**Jacob:** Oh God, oh god. Seriously need to have a little chat with Quil. I feel like a sixty year old man, no offense Edward, scouting out little boys under the name "i_like_cookies" in pokemon chatrooms. Ugh, need to clean out perverted mind with very strong cleanser… *runs into pit of discarded characters, trying to force Aro to tie him up and keep him far, far away from little vampish girls*

**Stephenie:** *sighs* Bella, I need you to step in and narrate again. I think we've completely lost Jacob.

**Bella:** Honestly, that is just A-OK with me. I mean, after having some mutant demon baby break my spine and have my husband gnaw through my uterus of steel, I think I can handle just about anything.

**Stephenie:** There's a good girl *passes Bella last third of book and takes a great big hit of wacky weed*

**Bella's inner monologue:** *wrinkling nose* _Thank god this is the last preface. Oh, and guess what?_ *clears throat* We're going to die. Steph- you never cease to amaze at the completely unpredictability of your prefaces.

**Sarcasm:** *pokes Stephenie*

**Stephenie:** Why, thank you *ignores sarcasm, which is now slapping her in the face*

**Bella's inner monologue: **I saw their hands curl into bone-colored claws. We were outnumbered. It was over.

**Edward:** *stumbling in with Emmett* Did someone say it was over?

**Bella: **Not yet, unfortunately. Still a few hundred pages to go.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I wanted them to charge. The panic changed to bloodlust as I crouched forward, a smile on my face, and a growl ripped through my bared teeth.

**Emmett:** *slaps Bella's hand* Sweet. That sounds like a fight is on the horizon.

**Bella:** Ahah! Maybe I'll finally get to be Badass!Bella.

**Jasper:** Kill the infidels!

**Edward:** *grabbing another drink* Sure. Keep telling yourselves that.


	20. Bella Martyrs Herself… Again

**Bella Martyrs Herself… Again**

**Bella:** Whoa, whoa whoa now. Stephenie, there is no fucking way you're making me go through this again! Look at everyone *points in and out of pit of discarded characters* They still haven't recovered from the last chapters of gory craziness.

**Stephenie:** Oh, Bella, the readers want to see this from your point of view… and I need to tack on a few more pages in order to flesh this out into a novel.

**Bella:** Oh dear lord. *steals vodka from Edward* Let's get this over with.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I was bewildered. I couldn't understand, couldn't make sense of what was happening.

**Edward:** And that's surprising or new in what way?

**Stephenie:** Snarkiness, Edward, snarkiness.

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Am now going to monologue about reality, as if given to me as a third grade project as something to describe._ *clears throat* Reality was red, being sawed in half, hit by a bus, punched by a fighter, trampled by bulls, and submerged in acid. Twisting and flipping and torture and pain.

**Everyone: **Ugh, too much information.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Did I mention pain? Ripping. Breaking. Agony. Shattering, snapping, slicing PAIN people.

**Edward:** Well, you did say you wanted to be a martyr…

**Bella:** Oh, right. *looks at Bella's Martyrdom Plan* _Hmmm rule #32, if find self dying from mutant baby kicking you in the spine, must beg to save baby._ Get him out! He can't breathe! Do it now! _Awesome, two points for Martyr!Bella. I rule._

**Edward:** *re-fabricating Lion King pride rock moment in rather bored voice* Renesmee.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Not the pale and perfect son of my imagination?

**Emmett:** *passes around "It's a boy!" cigars to the people in the pit of discarded characters and tries hurriedly to blow up some pink balloons*

**Bella: **Renesmee. So… _female, not a little baby boy, no green Edward eyes…_ beautiful.

**Edward/Bella baby fanficcers**: *wipe tears away from lack of green eyed boyish beauty*

**Renesmee**: *bites Bella's nipple for a second time* What? I'm a fucking cute and cuddly little thing. Don't give me that look.

**Edward: ***takes Renesmee away* Only daddy's allowed to bite off mommy's nipples.

**Bella's inner monologue:** NO! MINE! I am now going to monologue about blackness, and Edward. And Jacob_. Because even though I am married and just gave birth to a baby, I am still confusedly hung up on Jakey-poo._ And Renesmee. My little nudger. *shudders* Ugh, Stephenie, really for some reason that phrase just bothers me. I mean, she nudged her little way right into my spinal chord…

**Bella:** Ow. _Friggin' stupid SOB. I'm fucking HOT. Hot, hot, hot. Much, much too hot. _

_Burning up here! _

**Jacob:** *stumbling in* Swear izznot me! I's jus' tryin' to stays way from itsy bitsy babies…

**Bella's inner monologue: **Darkness and fire. Why couldn't I move? Scream? _Oh, the morphine._

**Rosalie:** Way to fucking go Edward. You and your damn morphine. Paralyze the bitch so she feels all the pain but can't scream out. You're like a sadistic Tom Cruise with some scientology silent birth shit.

**Edward:** Hey, I didn't know that was going to happen… not complaining, but didn't know it was going to happen…

**Bella's inner monologue: **It seemed like a hideous joke that I was getting my wish fulfilled. If I couldn't scream, how could I tell them to kill me? Oh the fiery torture.

**browniechadowes:** You want fiery torture, you should just ask me about the time an ex-boyfriend and me had a few too many jell-o shots… let's just say, they shouldn't freaking make ethyl-alcohol hair gel in the same sized bottle as KY… That, my friend, was fiery torture.

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Hmmm, painful sexual experiences? *writes down hair gel onto list* _ Three things happened together. Time restarted, the morphine faded, and I got stronger. _Ahah *takes out Bella's Ultimate Martyrdom Plan* rule #58. When turning into a vampire and experiencing the greatest pain in your life, lay there without screaming so as not to upset your husband. Right._ I had just enough strength to lie there unmoving while I was charred alive.

**Edward:** There's no scent of the morphine left.

**Everyone:** Good fucking Christ, Edward. What is your fascination with morphine?

**Edward:** *ignoring everyone* Bella? Can you hear me? Bella, love? Can you open your eyes? Can you squeeze my hand?

**Bella's inner monologue:** Fuck you, Edward. You are making it very hard for me to martyr myself and not squeal at you like a pedophile in a Toys-R-Us.

**Jacob**: Did someone say Toys-R-Us?

**Edward:** Maybe I was too late_. Hmmm, on one hand, will have lost the love of my life, on the other hand… will not have to put up with smelly strawberries, martyrdom vomit, or swoony dazzle faces for all of eternity…_

**Carlisle:** She'll be perfect.

**Edward:** She's so still. I must have done something wrong.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Tee hee. Am martyr goddess! Put a gold star on me, I am an A fucking plus.

**Edward:** She must be in agony.

**Carlisle:** You couldn't lay off the morphine, Edward. I'm sure that will affect her experience.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Hmmm, conundrum. Am I a martyr if they never realize the pain I am actually going through? Mmm, must take Carlisle aside and explain lack of morphine help later, just to be sure.

**Carlisle:** *watching as Aro forces Jacob's hand away from Renesmee's underaged ass* Interesting situation.

**Edward:** I'd love to flog them both.

**Jacob:** And I thought I had the kinky pervertedness…

**Carlisle:** I wonder what Bella with think.

**Edward:** I'm sure she'll surprise me. _She'll probably book a threesome with her, the baby, and the wolf. That sounds like a bad bar joke waiting to happen._

**Alice:** *squinty future face* It won't be long now. She's going to be dazzling. _Oh good God, the hotness that is Bella Swan, er, Cullen._

**Edward:** She always has been. *growl* _I've had enough weird shippiness today._

**Alice:** _Mmmm,_ look at her.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Keeping true to my dead ego-meter, I am sure I look like a pile of charred bones. _But hell, if that's what gets Eddiekin's engine running._ Downstairs, someone was watching a ball game. The Mariners were winning.

**Mike: ***from the pit of discarded characters* Fucking Mariners, you're making me lose my bet.

**Aro:** Look everyone, I made queso dip in the shape of a baseball. Isn't it just to die for?

**Jacob:** Hmmm, I feel like we're forgetting to be worried about something pivotal going on in the plot…

**Renesmee:** Fuck it, Jake. Man up and put in your money. You owe me fifty.

**Rosalie:** *stealing the poker chips* It's my turn.

**Emmett:** Hey, now. *hands Rosalie poker chips and gives exhausted look to Super Bear*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Baseball was not interesting enough to distract me from the pain, so I listened to… oh Jesus Christ on a holy stick, Steph. Isn't this taking the adoration a little far?

**Stephenie:** You obviously do not have a grasp on the idea of romantic love.

**Bella:** But this is just messed up, yet again. I'm not sure any feminist streak could exist in this persona you've given me.

**Stephenie:** Pshaw, Bella, I know not what you speak of. Now go on *pokes Bella with a twizzler*

**Bella's inner monologue:** so I listened to Edward's breathing. Then there was fire. Fire and thirst. Dry. Thirsty. Burning thirsty fire. Hot, hot heart.

**Edward:** Listen.

**Everyone in the pit of discarded characters:** Edward, we know that last call was bullshit. You don't have to be such a nancy boy and keep diverting our attention.

**Carlisle:** Ah, it's almost over.

**Mike:** Ya, just one more inning. Dude, I'm seriously pissed off at the Mariners right now.

**Alice:** Soon. Should I have Rosalie?

**Emmett:** Ya, deal me in!

**Bella's inner monologue:** Why do I feel as if no one's paying attention to me? *pokes Edward in the eye*

**Edward: ***rubbing eye* Bella love?

**Bella's inner monologue:** _That's better._ Then my heart flew away.

**Bella's heart:** What the fuck ever, I'm just getting out of that travesty that is called Bella and I'm going on a well deserved hiatus with Edward's balls.

**Bella's inner monologue:** There was no sound. No breathing. I opened my eyes and gazed above me

**browniechadowes:** Or instead of "me" you could say "myself", as that would be grammatically correct. But hey, I'm just a student in college, not a published author or anything…

**Orchestra:** *strikes up Darth Vader theme*

**Bella:** Mwaa haaa haaa. Have become Vamptastic!Bella.


	21. Super Bear Hates Vamptastic Bella

**Super Bear Hates Vamptastic!Bella**

**Bella:** And Stephenie Meyer said "Let there be light!"

Stephenie: No I didn't.

**Bella's inner monologue:** *rolls eyes at Stephenie* _Hmmm am now going to describe dust… because apparently once having become Vamptastic!Bella the first and foremost important thing is describing dust._ *clears throat* swirling motes into a vortex. Beautiful dust. Spinning like little planets, moving around each other in a celestial dance.

**Esme:** *sings to self while dusting the shelves*

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Damn you and your motherly 1950's Mrs. Cleaver ways. Without the dust to fixate on, I started to lick every surface of the room._ Mmmm silk and venom and chlorine and ammonia and honey and lilac and sunshine!

**Edward:** *holds Bella's hand*

**Bella:** *spits into Edward's eye and runs away* Bitch, you're warm.

**Edward:** ?

**Bella's inner monologue:** Oh. Of course. Edward wouldn't feel cold to me.

**Edward:** Well, guess super intelligence being her extra power's kinda gone out the door, huh?

**Emmett:** Way to freaking ruin an amazing game, Bella. *turns off Mariner's game*

**Jasper:** This blows.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Jasper and Emmett were in the front to protect the others. I was the danger. _Woo hoo. Badass Vamptastic!Bella, here and in the clear. But of course, now is the time to monologue about Edward's face._ Beauty, flawlessness. I needed better words.

**browniechadowes:** Imagine that… someone might *looks at manuscript* "struggle with my vocabulary, unable to find the right words". *cough* chagrin, masochistic, irrevocable *cough*

**Edward:** *a la Marlon Brando from Streetcar Named Desire* Beeelllllaaaaa?

**Bella's inner monologue:** I could not answer. I was lost in the velvet folds…

**browniechadowes:** *tries not to giggle as she thinks of badly written smutty fanfics*

**Edward:** Bella, love? Everything is fine.

**Bella:** Everything? Renesmee? Rosalie? Jacob? Sam's pack? Cullens? Charlie?

**Edward:** No, by everything I meant absolutely nothing at all.

**Sarcasm:** *gives Edward a high five*

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Damnit, he's sexy when he's snarky. I just want to touch him._ The feeling was tingly, electric. Wasn't I supposed to lose this? Wasn't giving up this feeling a part of the bargain? I was a newborn vampire.

**Super Bear: **Edward let slip a few little details about your vamptasticness, and quite honestly? You don't really lose a fucking thing… I hate Vamptastic!Bella.

**Bella:** *accosts Edward with Vamptastic!Lust*

**Edward:** *slaps Bella* Ow. Bitch that sensitive piece of me is attached and I plan on keeping it that way.

**Bella: **_Mmmmm nom nom. _Edward. I love you.

**Edward:** *wrinkles nose* Um, Steph, can we please not make me sound like some creeptastic old man?

**Stephenie:** *coming up from swimming in a pool of fangirl drool* But it's so sweet!

**Edward:** _Ugh._ As I love you.

**Edward and Bella:** *begin tongue punching each other*

**Bella:** You've been holding out on me.

**Edward:** It was sort of necessary at the time. _And I should be the one bitching about it, really. I mean, Stephenie's the one that cut you stealing my V card from the series. And now my balls are still not talking to me._

**Carlisle:** *to Bella* You are quite controlled.

**Bella:** *licks dust, licks Edward, licks ammonia* Mmm hmmm and I didn't feel a thing either.

**Carlisle:** Amazing.

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Ughhh, Steph, vocab vocab vocab._ Chagrin washed over me. I'd have to find a way to tip off Carlisle someday. _Cannot lose ultimate martyrdom position._

**Edward:** Let's hunt, Bella.

**Bella:** *starts humming "Going on a Bear Hunt"*

**Super Bear:** *tries to punch Vamptastic!Bella but is somehow stopped by to be explained BellaBubble*

**Edward:** I was under the impression that you'd always wanted to see me hunt.

**Bella**_**:**__ Ummm, pretty sure I never said that. I just think you all manly and bloody's a little hot. You actually munching on a mountain lion, not so much. And _I wanna see my baby. What?

**Edward:** Bella, she's half human, love. You'd probably want to pop off her head and eat her.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Was I out of control? Dangerous? To my daughter? Mmmm heart beat. Heart with a dash of paprika… ya, probably should hunt.

**Bella:** What about Jacob?

**Edward:** *mumbling* _fucking whore of a charlatan._ Jacob's here.

**Bella: **Jacob is still here? _He does love me!_

**Edward:** Bella

**Bella:** Jacob

**Edward:** Gah! Let's go suck a goat dry.

**Alice:** Look at yourself Bella!

**Bella's inner monologue:** *looks at Jasper* the scars were his most dominant feature. Ravaged neck and jaw.

**Alice:** Ummm, I said look at yourself, not Jasper…

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Now will describe stranger in the mirror who in no way could be me, even though I'm standing right in front of the damn mirror._ Beautiful. Smooth and strong, skin glistening subtly. _I kinda wanted to throw down and do myself right there._

**browniechadowes:** *looks incredulously at incoming shippers as didn't know it was possible for Bella/Bella shippers to exist*

**Edward:** How are you doing it?

**Bella:** ? Not jumping on myself? It is quite hard.

**Jasper: **How did you regain power over yourself?

**Bella:** Thought of my mom and Phil with a loofa?

**Super Bear:** Damn you Stephenie Meyer and your Vamptastic!Bella. I had Jager bombs ready to go for deranged newborn crazy Bella. And instead we get a lusty, conscientious, not really that thirsty depressing version of a stupid vampire.

**Edward:** I can't hear your mind.

**Bella:** Do you really want to?

**Edward: **Meh, on second thought, not really.

**Bella:** Let's hunt!

**Edward:** Random, but okay…


	22. Blame Canada

**Blame Canada**

**Bella:** The window? _I mean, am super fantastical vampire now, but who in their mind uses a window as a front door?... Oh right, Edward, Alice, Jacob, etc. _

**Edward:** It's a convenient exit. And Renesmee and Jacob are downstairs… _Ugh, still don't see why that was at all necessary to the plotline._

**Jacob:** *being held by Aro* Aggghhh Must. Touch. Underaged. Ass.

**Bella:** Is Renesmee okay with Jacob there_? I mean, ya, I just gave birth to a hybrid vampire who chomped off my nipple, but I'm definitely worried about what Jacob could do to her… ya._

**Edward:** _I don't want to talk about it!_ I know exactly what Jacob is thinking *shivers*

**Bella:** Erm…

**Edward:** Watch me. *pirouettes into the air and strikes Swan Lake pose*

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Ugh. Even if he is really sexy, I still wish he'd find his balls. Ah well. _What shoes had Alice put me in? Stilettos? *jumps*

**Edward:** That was quite graceful- even for a vampire.

**Super Bear:** Ya, because having a baby, the love of her life, Jacob, Charlie, and no severe bloodlust isn't enough, Stephenie has to go off and kill stumblefuckedness.

**Stumblefuckedness:** *sputters, holding onto Super Bear, and dies*

**Bella**: *looking at lake* Swimming?

**Edward:** Jumping.

**Bella and Edward:** *jump around like psychotic bunnies*

**Bella's inner monologue:** *rips expensive satin dress, exposing thighs* Much better. So Jacob was watching, too? I couldn't imagine what he was thinking now.

**Jacob's inner monologue:** Should be drooling at Bella's inner thighs, but instead am only turned on by binkies and Teletubbies…

**Edward:** Follow me… if you can. _Damn, Vamptastic!Bella kinda turns me into a slightly arrogant character._

**Bella:** *runs to Canada*

**Edward:** Were you planning to continue on to Canada this afternoon?

**Bella:** *starts humming "Blame Canada" to self*

**browniechadowes:** Would definitely like to apologize for terrible South Park joke. Am alone and bored on Valentine's Day… I think I'm giving myself a free pass.

**Edward:** Let's chomp on some elk.

**Super Bear:** *gives Edward high five* Fucking elk. Think they're the shit.

**Edward:** *in so un-creepy vampire voice* Listen. What do you hear?

**Bella**_**:**__ I should know the answer to this one. Can I get an "ask the audience"? No? Hmmm, I'll take a guess…_ erm, elk?

**Edward:** What do you smell?

**Bella:** Honey and lilac and sun perfume.

**Edward: **?

**Bella**: Rot and moss and nutty aromas.

**Edward:** ?

**Bella:** Ah crap, ok. Elk.

**Edward:** What do you want to do?

**Bella:** _Opt for the oh so tasty eau de human walking close by?_ The feral snarl was so unexpected that it brought me up short. I have to get away from here. *flees waving hands frantically in the air*

**Edward:** How did you do that?

**Bella:** Well, I'd watched you prance around a bit, and just kinda wiggled my arms in the air…

**Edward:** *rolls eyes* How did you stop hunting?

**Bella:** I'm sorry. I growled at you.

**Edward:** Only natural. _When you've lived with three women for awhile, you get used to the feral snarling._ Bella, you're behaving like you're decades rather than days old.

**Super Bear: ***punches Vamptastic!Bella in the tooth* Stephenie, this is fucking unbelievable.

**Bella:** I want you.

**Edward:** Aren't you thirsty?

**Bella:** Hehe, that could get misconstrued pretty quickly. And can all that business actually work with your vacationing balls?

**Edward:** Thirsty for blood, Bella.

**Bella:** Meh, I guess. *pwns a mountain lion*

**Edward:** Hmmm. It was much more difficult for me to watch than it should have been. _Sexy in theory… not so much when it actually plays out… like that one time Aro convinced me to, Gah bad, bad memories._

**Bella**: Silly.

**Edward:** I like the improvements to your dress.

**Bella's inner monologue:** If I could have blushed I would have.

**Super Bear:** Well, what do ya know? There's one thing that Vamptastic!Bella can't do. Woo frickin' hoo.

**Bella:** Let's go hunt some stinking herbivores.

**browniechadowes: **Steph, honestly, lay off even trying to be considerably funny. It's just not panning out for you.

**Stephenie:** *closing "Comedy for Dummies"* And yet here I sit, published author and all. I believe I have quite the comedic chops. *talking to front cover of Breaking Dawn in baby voice* That's right, little masterpiece, your momma's a mormonic white Dave Chapelle over here.

**Bella and Edward:** *chomp on some "stinking herbivores"*

**Bella:** I want to see Renesmee. *touches Edward*

**Bella's inner monologue:** _All thoughts of my newborn baby who I nearly died to give birth to magically disappear as I now monologue about…_ arms locked around my waist. Lips crushing down on mine. Touch of his skin, his lips, his hands, sinking through my bones to the very core of my body. Twisting fingers in hair and chest, *sumo pounds Edward*

**Bella: **Oops.

**Edward**_**:**__ Damn it, Bella! Have to freaking interrupt when I might actually be able to act out getting some action. I'm still technically at first base, although I'm glad your *looks at manuscript* "core is touched*… that only makes one of us…_ Renesmee?

**Bella:** _Stupid baby. Am horny fantabulous Vamptastic!Bella and only wish to have super sexy sex with my undead man o' luurve. Gah,_ Renesmee.


	23. Believable Bella

**Believable!Bella**

**Bella:** Tell me about her.

**Edward:** She has a heartbeat, she sleeps, she has your eyes, and she takes to blood like a frat guy to some cheap Natural Light. Oh and she sleeps all through the night.

**Super Bear:** Another freaking great coincidence…

**Edward: **She's intelligent, shockingly so, _as she came from your womb._ _Must take after the daddy. _

**Bella:** Why is Jacob still here? Why should he have to suffer more?

**Edward: **Jacob isn't suffering.

**Jacob:** Speak for your fucking self. I'm definitely not getting any ass for at least another 6 years…

**Bella:** ? Confused.

**Edward:** I don't owe him anything anymore. _I mean, it's all his fault. Even though he lost the love of his life, becomes some hairy wolf because of my close proximity, and is forced to become a pedophile by no choice of his own… but ya. I owe him nothing._

**Bella:** I don't like feeling confused.

**Edward:** You must not have liked most of these novels then…

At the Cullen's:

**Jacob:** It's safer to see how Bella does with me first. I heal fast.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Why would he offer himself as a test to protect Renesmee? It didn't make any sense to me. Was he really so selfless that he would try to protect me from doing something that I would regret forever?

**Jacob:** _Nope. I'm just trying to keep the baby safe. Because, let's face it, she dies andI will be an older virgin than your sweet little sparkle ass over there._ Bells, you're a freak show.

**Edward: **Watch yourself, mongrel. *whips out glove and bitch slaps Jacob*

**Jacob:** Super-creepy. Guess I'll get used to the eyes soon enough.

**Bella:** You will?

**Edward: **Rip his head off, Bella.

**Bella:** You stink, Jacob.

**Jacob:** Look who's talking. _I mean, I wasn't around too much in the Twilight parody… but from what everyone's told me, your affinity for burritos left a stench for days._

**Emmett:** *chuckles* Hehe, pedophilia is funny.

**Bella:** *whispering* Renesmee.

**Jacob:** Are you sure, bloodsucker?

**Edward:** Dude, she's our baby.

**Bella:** I was out just two days? The stranger-child in Rosalie's arms had to be weeks, if not months, old. My eyes, Edward's features, Charlie's thick curls, Edward's color of hair. She must be ours. Impossible, but still true.

**Edward:** I'll say impossible. Fucking immaculate conception with all the "fade to black" crap going on.

**Carlisle:** Not to mention the fact that even though I am a vampire doctor, none of us were in any way concerned of your venom getting into Bella's bloodstream via your spermtastic venomous fluid… mmm kay…

**Renesmee:** *super dazzle smile*

**Bella:** I can handle it.

**Edward:** Ya, she didn't even eat those humans on our hunt.

**Jasper:** Damn it. Am still the freaking black sheep of the Cullen mix.

**Bella:** But I…

**Orchestra:** Bum bum buuuuuummmmm…

**Bella:** _growled _at Edward.

**Everyone:** *le gasp*

**Emmett:** Did ya get in a couple of good swipes? _That boy needs a serious slapping around to keep his ego in check._

**Penguin:** Damn straight, Emmett.

**Bella:** Emmett! No!

**Emmett:** What a waste. Is no one going to ever fight in this series?

**Jasper:** *mutters* It's not natural. _Must pencil in some serious self-groveling in the near future._

**Renesmee:** *blood curtling scream* Give me to my mother, bitches.

**Rosalie:** She just wants Bella.

**Bella:** She wants me?

**Renesmee's inner monologue:** No, not at all. It's not like you're my mom or anything, or that I was born two days ago and am feeling slightly neglected that you would almost rather hump my dad than sing me a goddamn lullaby.

**Jacob:** *half-assedly turns Renesmee over to Bella*

**Bella's inner monologue:** His skin was almost the same temperature as Renesmee's. Perhaps one or two degrees difference.

**Super Bear:** Ya, because cross a human and a vampire, and instead of getting a slightly colder human, you get a really hot one… because that makes sense.

**Renesmee's inner imageness:** wahaaaa… bloody sweaty mommy.

**Bella:** Gahh! What was that?

**Jacob:** What did she show you? _Please say me, please say me._

**Bella:** Um. Me. I think.

**Jacob:** Damn.

**Bella:** *to Renesmee* I remember you, too.

**Renesmee's inner monologue:** Well you'd damned better… I mean you were slightly pregnant with me and all.

**Jacob:** Enough experimenting for today. _Feel the need to protect my future lusty endeavors._

**Bella:** What's your problem, Jacob? _It was like he was a blind man seeing the sun for the very first time._ No!

**Everyone:** *gasp* Bella figured it out? Where the hell did that come from? *watch as Bella suddenly becomes… Believable!Bella.

**Believable!Bella:** You didn't. _You're supposed to be completely infatuated with me, you damn idiot. What was the point in Eclipse if you're not still head over heels loopy in love with me?_

**Jacob:** Can't control it. Ugh, wonder if that's the alibi for all walking pedophiles…

**Believable!Bella:** You stupid mutt! How could you?

**Jacob:** I can share her.

**Believable!Bella:** Gross. Don't even want to think about the implications there.

**Bella/Jacob/Renesmee shippers:** *furiously write out crazy pedophilic incest-ridden smutty fanfics*

**browniechadowes:** Ugh, ugh, ugh. Just no. *tazers shippers and drags them into the fangirl corner with Bella/Bella shippers*.

**Jacob:** You said that we were family. So… now we are.

**Believable!Bella:** As my son-in-law!

**browniechadowes:** *high fives Believable!Bella and gives her a shot* Damn, girl. I may not like your character much, but you're hitting this one on the head.

**Jacob:** I don't think of her that way! I just want her to be safe and happy_- so that she can grow up into a sexpot that I can seduce later on. Completely harmless._

**Believable!Bella:** *growl*

**Edward:** Amazing. _Who would have ever thought her character could act… like a three dimensional character?_

**Emmett:** Damn it, Bella. Just punch him. I want a fucking fight.

**Jacob:** Can't stay away from her. Remember how much you wanted me around three days ago? That was her.

**Penguin:** *vomits into pit of discarded characters while stumbling upon Jacob/Uterus of Steel smut*

**Believable!Bella:** Run away while you still can.

**Jacob:** Nessie likes me, too.

**Believable!Bella: **Ugh. The freaking Catholic priests used that excuse already. What did you call her?

**Jacob:** Ummm, Renesmee is a stupid god-awful name that should never have been made up-

**Bella:** *_for some reason morphs back into regular old Bella* Am going to, rather than being pissed over Jacob's love/lust over my 3 day old daughter, be pissed at a nickname which is slightly better than the real name…_ You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?

**Jacob:** Steph, if that was an attempt at humor, it just plain sucks.

**Stephenie:** *reluctantly burns "Comedy for Dummies" and feeds Caius one of Aro's cream puffs*


	24. Unicorn and Edward’s Box

**Unicorn and Edward's Box**

**Super Bear, Penguin, and kinolaughs:** *creep up behind Stephenie and knock her out with tequila bottle.*

**Super Bear:** Ya, so we're going to run through this chapter pronto.

**Penguin: **Here here!

**Bella:** *gives Super Bear high five* Sorry for vamptastically super pummeling you, Seth.

**Seth:** Don't freak, Bella. *stares lovingly at Edward* Oh, and Renesmee bites Jake, a lot.

**Jacob:** Told you she likes me.

**Renesmee:** I just want you for your blood, sweetums.

**Edward:** Is a baby sucking the blood out of her future lover love supposed to be cute? This is freaking demented.

**Bella:** So basically, Renesmee is growing as fast as the Bubonic plague…

**Super Bear:** Ya, because it completely makes sense that she would be growing faster than other babies rather than slower…

**Sarcasm:** *salutes Super Bear and takes a shot*

**Renesmee:** Memory time! Jacob, and cups o' blood, and nasty white ick, and Rosalie, and curls, and birds, and Jacob, and blood. *goes to sleep*

**Bella:** Awww, how cute.

**Alice:** Happy birthday!

**Bella:** Not my birthday. I will remain 18 forever. Forever, I tell you!

**Stephenie:** *rocking back and forth* A whole chapter… gone… gone. *goes into super catatonic state*

**Alice:** Presents!

**Bella's inner monologue:** Ugghh. How dare they give me presents on my birthday. The nerve of them.

**Alice:** Give Renesmee to Rosalie. She has never been set down. She's going to be the most spoiled half-vampire in existence.

**Rosalie:** She is also the most unspoiled half-vampire in existence. _Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. Steph, that's just about as bad as the blonde jokes…_

**Alice:** Let's go!

**Rosalie:** Enjoy your gift. *points to Edward, who is clutching a box to his groin*

**Bella:** *points to self* Bella doesn't enjoy gifts. Bella enjoys throwing herself on the pike of martyrdom.

**Alice:** *blindfolds Bella* We're doing this my way.

**browniechadowes:** *distracts Alice/Bella shippers with some leftover Skittles*

**Alice:** Stop there. Just a little to the right. Yes, like that. Okay.

**Edward:** That's what she said…

**Bella's inner monologue:** There, nestled into a small clearing, was a tiny stone cottage. _What do I look like, fucking Snow White? Creepy little dwarves going to come swarming out?_

**Alice:** What do you think?

**Bella:** *mouth open* You're giving me a house for my birthday?

**Edward:** Cottage.

**Alice:** Love it?

**Bella:** Of course I love it.

**Alice's inner monologue:** Oh yes, how could any of us possibly be afraid of you not liking an expensive present? *flips through series* Oh right, because you throw a cute little bitch fit any time someone tries to buy you something.

**Bella:** I should go say thank you.

**Edward:** Open your other gift. *points to box*

**Bella:** Oh. _It's a dick in a box._

**Orchestra:** *strikes up Dick in a Box*

**browniechadowes:** And if you don't know where Edward got the idea from, please take the time to go to youtube and search for SNL's Dick in a Box. You will not be disappointed.

**Edward:** Don't worry. I'm not really getting my hopes up.

**Edward's balls:** Alright, man. So you're going to get a little something-something and I'm here to support you, but I'm afraid your personality has gone and freaking eloped with Bella's heart…

**Bella's inner monologue:** I ought to have been exhausted. This day would never end. *giggles*

**Edward:** Do I get to hear the joke? _I hope she's not laughing at the contents in my box…_

**Bella:** It's not a very good one.

**Edward: **We've been listening to Stephenie's lame attempts at humor for nearly four books now, I'm used to it.

**Bella:** Today's the first and last day of forever.

**Edward:** You're right. That isn't very good at all.

**Bella's inner monologue:** _Am now going to monologue about my little cottage:_ A place where you just expected Snow White to walk right in with her apple in hand, or a unicorn to stop and nibble at the rosebushes.

**Unicorn:** Fuck that. I'm not touching this damn story, or your fucking gothic bushes. They smell like vomit.

**Bella's inner monologue:** *ignoring indignant unicorn* Edward had always thought that he belonged to the world of horror stories.

**Edward:** Well, Bella sweetums, I am an undead vampire that wants to suck the blood out of people…

**Bella:** Ugh, Steph. I get that we're together. I get that we're in love and married and all that crap, but does it need to be taken this far? I mean, this is a story about vampires, for God's sake.

**Stephenie:** *wiping fangirl drool off of chin* Oh Bella, humor me. This is a fairytale… I've waited so long…

**Bella's inner monologue:** *gulps* In a fairy tale. And now I was in the story with him.

**Unicorn:** *gallops over to Super Bear and vomits all over rosebushes* Even my fairytale-tastic stomach can't handle that shit.

**Super Bear:** Tell me about it. If everyone knew that becoming a vampire entailed living in a cottage with your sparkling love forever, I don't think anyone would stay human.

**Edward:** *clears throat* I'll tell Alice you were dying to see the closet. _And am going to patch up what's left of my man-pride at the fact that you haven't commented on my special present yet._

**Bella:** I hope that wasn't another lame attempt at vampiristic humor… because I'm going to try to be seriously witty in about two seconds… aaaand, We're going to tell alice I spent hours in the closet playing dress-up. We're going to lie.

**Edward:** *groans* That was pretty bad.

**Bella:** Now… about that box…

**Bella's inner monologue:** _I am now going to monologue about hot vampire sex._ Perfect face, long, flawless body, every angle. I could taste pure, vivid scent and feel silkiness of marble skin. Bodies tangling gracefully into one on the sand-pale floor.

**Edward:** Fuck, ya. Edward Anthony Masen Cullen is no longer literary virgin.

**Bella:** Do you miss my tasty smell?

**Edward: **The scent, well, I couldn't say I missed that. _Thank god the days of shit-covered strawberries are over. _I am purely full of joy, because I am missing nothing._ Take that, you fucking fade to black._

**Bella's inner monologue:** I was never going to get tired, and neither was he. How did we ever stop?

**Super Bear:** Fucking fantastic. So not only are they a happy family with a bouncing baby and no bloodlust, but for some reason Edward can go all night without needing to recover? How the hell does that work?

**Carlisle:** Well, not really much in the whole biological aspect of this story make any sense at all… so we'll just chalk it up to super vampire powers.

**Bella:** How long does this go on?

**Edward:** Well Rosalie and Emmett went at it for ten years…

**Emmett:** Damn straight. *high fives Super Bear, Penguin, and Unicorn*

**Edward:** There's a tremendous amount of time left over when you don't have to sleep. *wink* There's a reason why I'm the best musician in the family, read the most books, studied the most sciences, become fluent in the most languages.

**Bella:** Because you're an insufferable know-it-all arrogant asshole?

**Edward:** No, because while everyone else was fucking their brains out, I was brooding and sobbing into my piano.

**Bella's inner monologue:** We laughed together, and the motion of our laughter did interesting things to the way our bodies were connected.

**Edward:** Alright, so on the upside, fade to blackage was minimal… on the downside, really the only action I got was some coital giggling…

**Unicorn:** Is this story always so messed up? I mean, coital giggling?

**Penguin:** Just drink up and don't ask questions.


	25. Voided Personality Khaki and Beigedness

**Voided Personality Khaki and Beigedness**

**Edward:** Renesmee.

**Bella**: Ugh, you're ruining the moment, Edward.

**Edward:** Get dressed, and we'll be back to the house in two seconds.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I looked back at him, then away where Renesmee waited, then back at him again, then back toward her. _Decisions, decisions._

**Edward:** It's all about balance, love.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Hmmm, paying attention to the daughter I have only seen once, or ravishing my glitter-fuck husband for another 12 hours. Oh, the conundrum.

**Edward:** *sniffing closet* Mmmm kay. Denim and stretch cotton.

**Bella:** It only took him seconds to find his own clothes- if I hadn't seen him undressed, I would have sworn there was nothing more beautiful than Edward in his khakis and pale beige pullover- Umm, Steph, really? Khakis and beige…practical, maybe. Goes with anything, sure. But beautiful?

**Edward:** *answering before Stephenie can pry herself from Caius* Well, at least the color scheme matches my post-marriage personality. Boring, bland, and almost non-existent.

At the Cullens:

**Renesmee:** *slapping Bella* I'm hungry, bitch.

**Rosalie:** Esme sacrificed her second-best silver service to keep the little monster entertained. We didn't want to… er, bother you.

**Esme:** *weeping in the corner* My beautiful soup spoons, the little cocktail forks, gone, gone, gone.

**Bella:** *to Renesmee* You'll like the cottage. It's magic.

**Renesmee:** If it's the magic of my dad bending you over the coffee table, I think I'll pass, thanks.

**Rosalie:** Jacob took off this morning. He was watching Nessie sleep, his mouth hanging open like the moron he is…

**Jacob:** *pops head in* Christ, I have become a full blown kiddie poacher.

**Renesmee:** *throws spoon at Alice's eye* Tee hee.

**Alice:** I can't see anything! No! _Oh and Jesus H. Christ, Bella, you look like you stepped out of a JC Penny catalog. _You need me to show you how to use your closet.

**Edward:** Charlie is coming here. Today.

**Bella:** No!

**Jacob:** Hey, guys! Charlie'll be here soon. Just a heads-up.

**Bella**: What. Have. You. Done? _I just escaped the monotony of cooking dinners and watching lame baseball games, and you invite Charlie back?_

**Jacob:** Yep. Couldn't let you leave. Charlie was the biggest issue. Problem solved. _Wait, when did I become slightly more idiotic than Bella? Oh right, when I decided to go all lusty-eyes over hybrid blood slurp over there._

**Edward:** Did you consider the physical or emotional pain you're putting Bella through? I suppose what happens to Bella no longer concerns you!

**Jacob:** _Well, no shit Sherlock. I just want to bone your daughter._ Bella will be in pain?

**Edward:** Like you've shoved a white-hot branding iron down her thoat!

**Bella:** _Mmmm, hot irons. That has to fall into martyrdom somewhere. I'm in._ This is about Charlie. Do you realize it's death or vampire life for him now, too?

**Jacob:** Relax, Bella. I told him about me.

**Super Bear:** Aaaand, cue a plot line that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

**Jacob:** I stripped in front of your dad and went all wolftastic on him. So I told him you were weird, but good. And that you look like Esme not Renee.

**Bella:** Ummm, Stephenie? *pokes Stephenie in the back* Just a few questions for ya here. Why in God's name would Jacob turning into a wolf in front of Charlie be at all relevant to a weird Bella-sickness? And why the fuck didn't Jacob just phase in front of me when he wanted me to figure out what he was? And isn't that against the rules of the wolves or whatever? And… I mean… Charlie still gets to be in the story?

**browniechadowes:** *pelts Stephenie with burning Breaking Dawn novel*

**Super Bear:** *clears throat* Ya, so not only does Bella get to sex up her super sexy vampire husband, has no blood lust, gets to keep her best friend around, and has a baby that is super intelligent and sleeps for hours, but she also still gets to be in contact with her dad. Fucking fan-tastic. *takes tequila from Unicorn and downs the rest of the bottle*

**Jacob:** Erm, so Charlie wants to be told as little as possible. Need to know, only.

**Bella: **And Renesmee?

**Jacob:** _Hmm well I thought about saying that she was my future fuck friend and lover, but I didn't think that'd go over too well._ You adopted her.

**Bella:** But she changes so fast…

**Jacob:** I told him she was super special. And that she's the most wonderful person in the world. And that she's cute, and sexy, and perfect, and beautiful, an…

**Edward:** *attempts to slap pedophilic tendencies out of Jacob's crotch*

**Bella:** I'm not going to say thank you.

**Jacob:** You'll always be my best friend, and I'll always love you. But the right way now.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Ya, because it's completely the right way to have platonic love with the person only a few weeks ago you wanted to bang, and instead have replaced her with her daughter that she had with her undead husband. Completely the right way now.

**Edward:** You'll be happy if you have Charlie in your life, Bella. _You know how much you enjoy making lasagna, watching baseball, and fetching beer._

**Alice:** Contact time.

**Bella:** When did you-

**Alice:** Before you left on the honeymoon. I was prepared for several possible futures.

**Bella:** _And yet you didn't see the future with me carrying around Edward's mutant spawn and giving birth to it? Really, Alice. You can purchase color contacts, but not condoms. I'm beginning to have doubts about your psychic abilities._ How do I look?

**Edward:** Gorgeous.

**Alice:** She always looks gorgeous. *slides hand slightly over Bella's shoulder, brushing aside her soft brown locks, straining to touch…*

**browniechadowes:** Alice. No.

**Alice:** *sticks tongue out* Esme, show her how to be human.

**Esme:** Don't sit still or move too fast.

**Emmett:** Sit down if he does.

**Jasper:** Let your eyes wander every thirty seconds or so.

**Rosalie:** Cross your legs. _You scarlet whore. Keep that trap closed._

**Emmett:** And blink three times a minute. *turns on football game*

**Jasper.** Move your hands, too. Brush your hair back and scratch something.

**Bella:** _That's what she said._ Sit, look, blink, fidget.

**Esme:** Right.

**Bella:** I need Renesmee.

**Alice:** But she doesn't help me see. *looks at sharp knife Renesmee has pointed at Alice's left eye*

**Edward:** *in creepy father figure voice, usually reserved for Bella when she is being an idiot* Renesmee, someone special is coming to see you. But you can't bite him.

**Renesmee:** No fucking fun. Bella still hasn't fed me, and my belly is a grumbling. Can I still suck on Jacob?

**Jacob:** Tee hee.

**Edward:** *trying to ignore innuendo* You can bite Jacob. *to Jacob* Maybe you should leave. Go find a girl scout troop, stalk around a nursery school or something.

**Jacob:** I told Charlie I'd be here. And all the nurseries in the area have already banned me from the premises…

**Edward:** *kisses Bella*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Mmmmm nom nom sex with my husband. I wonder if Renesmee would notice if we just slipped…

**Jasper:** Ughhh, Edward, don't distract her.

**Bella:** Later. _Sexy, sexy man looking so fine in your voided personality khaki and beigedness._

**Jasper:** Bella.

**Bella:** Jasper.

**Edward:** Edward.

**Charlie:** Where's Bella?

**Bella:** *breaking out into song* I'm heeere Dad, I fooound you, Daddy! And guess what, I love you, I love you, I looooooove you.

**browniechadowes:** Bella, as funny as Will Ferrel dressed in tights is, let's not start quoting him and just get the chapter over with.

**Charlie:** *Shocked. Disbelieved. Pained. Lost. Fearful. Angst. Suspicious. Pain. Pain. Pain*

**Bella:** Hi, Dad.

**Charlie:** Bella?

**Bella:** Sorry.

**Charlie:** Jake told me you were dying.

**Bella:** Yep.

**Edward**_**:**__ I am now going to come up with a completely unbelievable fabrication of why we have a bouncing little monster._ She's my second niece twice removed from my long lost cousin's mother's aunt who died in a car accident.

**Bella:** *impressed*

**Everyone else:** *rolls eyes* How lame.

**Charlie:** She's a beauty.

**Jacob:** Back off, old man.

**Bella:** She's mine. I _want _her.

**Charlie:** I'm going to ignore how creepy that sounds and lament on being a young grandpa, not on the fact that you almost died, didn't tell me, and are now rather weird, pale, and walking around like the undead.

**Renesmee:** He smells tasty. Sure I can't just lick him a little bit?

**Bella:** Nopers.

**Renesmee:** *waves at Charlie*

**Charlie:** What a weird, little baby.

**Jacob:** *smiling like the idiot imprinting has made him* Everything's great, Charlie. Just try to not believe anything you see.

**Emmett:** Go Gators!

**Charlie:** _Did someone say football?_ Florida winning? _Will now ignore creepy daughter, Jacob turning into a hairy beast, three month old super granddaughter… because let's face it, there are only three things my character really cares about. Sports, food, and beer._


	26. Obscure Plot Device

**Obscure Plot Device**

**Bella's inner monologue: **I imagined how the thread of my life might look in the Fates' loom- a nice beige. _Seriously, what's the sudden fascination with beige?_ Now it felt like it might be glistening gold.

**browniechadowes:** *turns off Hercules* Really, Steph, you need to lay of the Disney movies when writing.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Am now going to super!monologue about vampire life. Werewolves, Renesmee, Sue Clearwater, Charlie, Leah, Jasper's happiness whoring, Renesmee growing super-fast.

**Renesmee:** Mommy, where is Grandpa? *walking like a supermodel on a catwalk*

**Bella:** Aghhh! Super talking, walking baby.

**Renesmee:** *quoting Tennyson*

**browniechadowes:** *rolling eyes at Stephenie* Pretentious much?

**Renesmee:** that softer falls than petals from blow roses on the grass-

**Bella:** Agghhh! Super reading baby.

**Bella's inner monologue:** We were going back to Brazil, starting there. If other children like her had existed, perhaps some tale of the life span of half-mortal children still lingered…

**Super Bear:** Still don't get why she grows faster rather than slower…

**Bella's inner monologue:** It was impossible to forget the Volturi.

**Aro:** Why, thanks cupcake. Aren't you a doll! *tosses Bella a note and a box* Don't worry, it's not another dick.

**Bella:** Erm…

**Aro's note:** Here, have some priceless jewels. Can't wait to see the new Mrs. Cullen. I'll bring the fondue set, you bring the chocolate *wink wink* Love, Aro. P.S. Give a little pinch on the tush to Carlisle for me.

**Edward:** You're not going to Volterra alone. The last time I went alone, unmentionable things happened with Jell-o and cool whip…

**Bella:** They won't hurt me. I'm a vampire.

**Edward:** _You, sweetheart, are a fucking idiot._ No.

**Bella's inner monologue: **Alice kept searching for the future, but the things she found were unrelated to what she was looking for.

**Renesmee:** *hides blindfold behind back* What? It's fun to fuck with Alice's vision.

Bella: *grabbing Jacob and Renesmee* Let's go hunting. _And this little outing is in no way awkward, considering the relationship between the three of us._

**Jacob:** Suuure you're not thirsty, Nessie. You're just afraid I'll catch the biggest one again!

**Renesmee:** Eff that, wolf boy. I'm a fucking child prodigy. I will own your ass.

**Jacob:** You already do.

**Bella's inner monologue: **I stared. The vampire stared back. Her hair was pale, almost silver. Irina had decided to come after all.

**Irina:** *staring at Renesmee and Jacob* Ugh, Immortal Demon Child and bitch who killed my Laurent-kins. Must tell Aro. I wonder how many cream puffs I'll have to eat before he gets his ass up out of Italy?

**Aro**: 42.

**Bella:** Crap!

**Renesmee:** *killing Bambi's mother with one fell swoop* Take that, pouncing little whore of a deer.

**Bella:** *ignoring Renesmee's demented smile and calling Edward* I saw Irina, and she saw me, but then she saw Jacob, and she ran away.

**Edward:** And we're supposed to be worried because…

**Bella:** I don't know. I'm sure it's some kind of obscure plot device, as I am a vampire and as of now there is no reason for the Volturi to come and try to kick our asses. Oh, and the bitch growled at me.

**Edward:** What? Only I'm allowed to do that.

**Carlisle:** She's grieving.

**Jasper:** Over Laurent? *hides burning cross behind back* I swear I had nothing to do with that.

**Jacob:** *manhandles Renesmee back to the house*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Since the hunting trip had been aborted, Renesmee would have to make do with donated blood.

**Edward:** You weren't so complacent in aborting things a few chapters ago…


	27. Not… Parcheesi

Not… Parcheesi

**Bella's inner monologue:** I am now going to bitch about how all of this is my fault. And in my masochistic self-torturing mind, this is how I work this out. I am friends with Jacob, hence, my fault that she went all emo on him.

**Jacob:** Dude, Bella, not everything's about you.

**Bella:** It is when I'm narrating the story. *clears throat*.

**Bella's inner monologue:** So Edward and I are worrying our little heads about Renesmee's unnatural growing abilities in between sexy time sessions and want to go on the Quest for the Mutant Sperm Babies, a la George Lucas.

**Alice:** *in glossed over exorcist way* They're coming for us. All of them. The Volturi.

**Aro:** Well, we did RSVP…

**Alice:** Why?

**Edward: **When?

**Esme:** Why?

**Jasper:** When?

**Carlisle:** Why?

**Aro:** Oh my holy Jell-o mold, don't pretend like you'll be happy to see us or anything.

**Sarcasm:** *steals one of Aro's cream puffs*

**Aro:** I thought our last get together went just smashingly.

**Alice:** This isn't about Bella.

**Bella:** *dropping Ultimate Martyrdom Plan to the floor* _Wha…? Catastrophe having to do with vampires… Not. About. Me?_

**Alice:** They're all coming-

**Aro:** Then it will be a good party, then. *winks*

**Edward:** *shivers at sexual innuendo*

**Alice:** Aro, Caius, Marcus, every member of the guard, even the wives.

**Jasper:** The wives never leave the tower. Never. Never.- Good god, Stephenie, you really are not shooting towards the feminist demographic, are you?

**Aro:** Don't get all flustered, we just put them on their leashes so they can get some circulation every few hundred years.

**Carlisle:** That doesn't answer the crucial question! Why?

**Alice:** Irina decided to go to the Volturi.

**Carlisle:** What is she doing?

**Bella's inner monologue:** Oh crap, Stephenie made Irina think that Renesmee was Demonic Immortal Child in order to keep this travesty of a novel going for over 150 pages more.

**Everyone:** *le gasp* 150 more pages of this crap?

**Carlisle:** An immortal child.

**Bella:** _Screw you, Carlisle, that was _my_ epiphany._ Renesmee isn't like those other children. She's already smarter than most adults…

**Super Bear:** Oh Christ on a stick, she's going to be one of those annoying mothers with a "my child's smarter than your child and is an honor student and puts Steven Hawking's brain to shame" bumper sticker on the back of their uterus-mobile.

**Bella: ***hides sticker* Not at all.

**Edward:** They come to destroy.

**Aro:** And for Parcheesi…

**Bella**_**:**__ Not… Parcheesi._ What can we do?

**Emmett:** _Fuck to the ya. Finally about time._ We fight. We don't have to fight alone.

**Bella:** Not Jake!

**Emmett:** Dude, we do have other friends.

**Super Bear:** Fuck that, Aro gives me the creeps.

**Unicorn:** Ya, I'm just going to chill here at the wet bar.

**Penguin:** Erm, probably shouldn't tell Emmett that there most likely will not be a fight… again.

**Rosalie:** We need witnesses to show that Renesmee isn't dangerous.

**Alice**: Then we probably shouldn't mention how much blood she sucks out of Jacob here, or how many times she's tried to poke me in the eye. *goes into Madame Cleo voice* Tanya's family…

**Bella: ***muttering* _floosy bitch whore_.

**Alice:** Siobhan's coven. Amun's… _any other stereotypically accurate names of different regions that Stephenie can wedge in…_ _Aha, like_ Kachiri, Zafrina, and Senna.

**Renesmee:** *shoots a pixie stick into Alice's eye*

**Alice:** I can't see.

**Edward:** Alice? I didn't understand.

**Alice: **I can't see! I'll see better away from Nessie. I need to go. Come on, Jasper, to the bat mobile!

**Jasper:** Erm, okay?

**Alice:** You have to find them all!

**Jacob:** _Crap, had they found the files on my computer? I swear, they just kind of popped up out of nowhere… not my fault if I saved them. _Find what? What happened? _Shit, they did find them…_ Is she okay? _She'd know what I was talking about. If they even tried to destroy my "It Takes Two" poster, I will not be a happy boy._

**Bella:** All of us, Jacob. It's over.

**Orchestra:** Bum bum buuuuuuuuuum

**Bella:** We've all been sentenced to die.

**Jacob:** Little melodramatic.

**Bella:** Meh, you haven't been to one of Aro's parties yet.


	28. Alice’s Futuretastical Scavenger Hunt

Alice's Futuretastical Scavenger Hunt

**browniechadowes:** *finally breaksfree from both Stephenie Meyer's steely grasp and her calc. professor's midterm exam*.

**Edward:** *slaps browniechadowes across the face* Never. Leave. Me. Again. I was in the fucking pit of discarded characters with Mike's sticky fingers going into orifices I do not want to even think about… for two whole weeks.

**browniechadowes:** Calm down, everyone. I wouldn't abandon the story and leave all the poor characters to a lifetime of Breaking Dawn Doom. Bella?

**Bella:** *popping head up from pit* Do I really have to? It was kinda nice to have the break…

**Stephenie:** *flexes steely grasp muscles at Bella*

**Bella:** Eek. Here I go.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Bella's inner monologue:** Alice never came back. I'd hoped to know more before I was faced with my daughter's curiosity. To have some answers so that I could smile and keep the truth from terrifying her.

**Edward:** _Just take one out of my Slightly Arrogant Asshole book. We could just lie to her and not let her make her own decisions. That seemed to work with you, and she has inherited the "I attract bad-ass vampires" gene._ Alice. She's never taken so long before.

**Emmett:** That's what she said.

**Super Bear:** *high fives Emmett* That's the shit I've been missing.

**Carlisle:** Would they have been able to surprise her?

**Edward:** I don't see how. _Even though Victoria was able to flit around her little talent fairly easily I'm sure the freaking super royalty of vampires couldn't surprise her. No, not at all._

**Sarcasm:** *salutes Edward's inner monologue*

**Edward:** To the werewolves! Sam?

**Sam:** Alice and Jasper asked permission to cross our land to the ocean. I said it was cool. She told me to give you this note.

**Bella:** And the werewolves choose now to completely break the treaty because…? I mean, Steph, it really doesn't make all that much sense.

**Stephenie:** But the plot, Bella, the plot. How else was it going to go further?

**Bella:** She could have just chartered a ferry to the ocean… *picks up piece of paper* _Oooh, scavenger hunt with clues! Although the whole Shakespearean theme is getting a little old. There are other authors out there…_

**Carlisle:** Alice has decided to leave us.

**Alice's Cryptic Note #1:**

Remember: Tanya, Siobhan, Amun, Alistair, and anyone else with a geographically cliché name. Sorry we had to leave, but Jasper told me he'd rather die than sit through another one of Aro's dinner parties. Something about a swimming pool of jell-o and briefs full of bon bons… Love ya!

**Edward:** Things are dangerous.

**Sam's inner monologue:** Well, Alice and Jasper kind of took the pussy way out if you ask me. At least she could stop being so damn cryptic with the future.

**Edward:** Alice is not a coward.

**Sam:** What, do you have a thing for her or something? The way you've been acting this chapter…

**browniechadowes:** Ugh, Sam, don't start. *hoses off Edward/Alice shippers* I know they're not technically related, but it still seems a little incestual to me.

**Edward:** You just don't want to involve yourselves with this. You can avoid what Alice saw. *shudders* _Parcheesi, strip scrabble, and Aro sneaking up on you with cream puffs is terrifying._

**Sam:** We don't run away. _And I don't see what's so damn bad about Aro… maybe I could introduce him to my anatomically correct dollie… hrmmm._

**Edward:** You don't know her.

**Sam:** Do you?

**browniechadowes:** Sam! Really, quit egging on the damn shippers.

**Bella's inner monologue:** We were doomed.

**Super Bear:** *rolls eyes* What a surprise.

**Emmett:** I'm not going down without a fight.

**Penguin:** *pats Emmett's leg* Don't get your hopes up there, man.

**Bella's inner monologue:** We all would fight. The wolves, too, would fight with us for Renesmee.

**Renesmee:** Fuck, even I wish they had wrapped it up before doing the dirty. My life has consisted of chewing through a uterus, lapping up my future love's blood, quoting Hemmingway, and causing a vampire/werewolf apocalypse. Moral of the story, just don't have sex, kids.

**Bella's inner monologue:** We would fight, they would fight, and we all would die. _Oh dear lord, I think I have hit the limit of melodramatic monologueing. _

**Edward:** Bella?

**Bella:** I want to follow Alice's trail.

**Edward: **I'll come with you. I couldn't let you walk away from me. It hurt just to imagine it.

**Super Bear:** *looks under Edward's crotch* Mmm hmm, just as I suspected. They're still missing.

**Edward:** Let's hurry. Remesmee will be awake.

**Bella:** Meh, I'd rather spend time away from her playing Alice's Futuretastical Scavenger Hunt. *pulls out Merchant of Venice*

**Alice's Cryptic Note #2:**

J. Jenks. Seattle

Destroy this.

Love you!

**Orchestra:** *strikes up Mission Impossible theme song*

**Bella:** *waits for paper to spontaneously combust a la Tom Cruise*

**Edward:** ?

**Bella:** Combust, damn it!

**Edward:** What's going on Bella?

**Bella:** _Ugh, so not super spy-cool. *gets out lighter and torches book* Ah well._ She ripped a page out of my book to write her note on.

**Edward: **Why?

**Bella:** Oh, she's had a giant lesbian crush on me since Twilight. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with that.

**Edward:** Why are you burning it?

**Bella:** Because I'm trying to be a goddamn spy and it wouldn't combust on its own. Really frustrating.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Alice's note did not make me hopeful. _Even though she has the power of seeing the future and probably knows better than anyone what the hell is going on._

**Alice:** *pops head in* Nope, I pretty much just wanted to fuck with everyone. The whole note after note thing was pretty much unnecessary.

**Emmett:** *ignoring Alice* Rose and I are hunting for nomads. _Finally some fucking action. My testosterone is getting about as pent up as Edward before he fornicated with our little Bellakins._

**Carlisle:** Tanya's family will be here in the morning.

**Bella:** Whore.

**Carlisle**: *staring incredulously at Bella* Persuade them not to react as Irina did. We'll be back to help later.

**Rosalie:** *flips Bella off, fondles Renesmee, and kicks Jacob in the balls, and leaves with the rest of the Vamptastic!Family*

**Renesmee:** *creepy palming mind reading thingy*

**Jacob**: Aww, that's right, honey, we're completely and totally screwed.

Edward: Erm, okay, so Jacob you are going to have to peace out because our vampire friends will probably be partial to puking around you and your pedophilic touchiness.

**Jacob**: They'd turn on you just because of who you hang out with now?

**Edward:** They would be mostly tolerant under normal circumstances. But you need to understand- _you and Nessie, that whole thing? A little fucked up. And I love Nessie to death, but she's a little fucked up anyway as it is._ Accepting Nessie will not be a simple thing for any of them.

**Jacob:** Edward… _Can't be away from my hott underaged piece of ass. Arghhh, when did I get so damn creepy? And lose my sense of humor?_

**Renesmee:** Around the same time I was karate chopping my mother's backbone.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Hmm, J. Jenks. How to find him. *thinks back to movie seen in human life* "You can google it." Aha! *googles J. Jenks* Luckily there only happens to be one J. Jenks in the whole of Seattle…

**Renesmee:** Where the fuck is Alice?

**Bella:** I don't know. But she's Alice.

**Renesmee:** Really? I thought she had changed into someone else for no reason.

**Sarcasm:** *shies away from Renesmee. He doesn't like her teeth*

**Bella:** I miss her, too. *thinks back longingly to the days of Alice makeovers and lovely tender stroking in the-

**browniechadowes:** Arghh! No. *slaps Bella* Bad. I nipped the Bella/Alice shippers in the bud a long time ago.

**Renesmee's inner monologue:** *crying* Oh god, have a father without balls and a mother who wants to jump my aunt. My life sucks just a little bit.

**Bella:** Don't cry. You're going to be fine.

**Renesmee:** I'm a half-vampire child that drinks blood and is already pretty set on futurely getting down and dirty with a werewolf who used to be in love with you. I am anything but fine.


	29. Muffins and Frijoles Locos

Muffins and Frijoles Locos

**Bella's inner monologue:** There was so much to think about. _How was I going to complete Futuretastical Scavenger Hunt while pummeling hussy Tanya's face to the ground and avoiding Aro's cocktail party? _Was I doomed to be totally useless?

**Edward:** Erm, love, I think you have been totally useless ever since you didn't beat my ass for leaving you in New Moon…

**Bella's inner monologue: **Wanting some normalcy for Renesmee

**Renesmee:** *scoffs* Like I've ever had that.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I took her home to her cottage at bedtime.

**Renesmee:** Ya, because you wanted me to have normalcy, not that you wanted me to go to sleep and be out of the way or anything. You, darling, are the mother of the year.

**Bella:** Edward, I-

**Edward:** *face rapes Bella*

**Jacob:** *pops in* Dude, that's my move. You could at least be original.

**Bella:** _Yay! Oh and after we're done with sexy time,_ teach me how to fight?

**Edward:** No.

**Bella:** *sneaks out Ultimate Martyrdom Plan from under mattress*

**Edward:** _Damn it, I thought that thing was gone._ Let's get to work, _so you don't completely screw us over like last time._ Okay, well, Jane will cause us all to scream out bloody murder in that oh so cute sadistic way that she does, and Alec will sedate us almost to the extent of Billie's boring ass Quileute legends…

**Bella:** Is Alec a good fighter? *non-chalantly flipping through Martyrdom Plan*

**Edward:** What are you thinking? Bella, you can't fight him. _You are weak and petite and, okay, the stumblefuckedness has died off but you are slightly slow, dear._

**Bella:** I could distract him. *thinks of arsenal of awesome party tricks picked up from Charlie*

**Edward:** *rolls eyes* Bella, be reasonable.

**Bella**: *stops making dog shadow puppet and nods*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Hmmm, am going to fantasize about taking down the entire Volturi guard by myself, because tip #34 in Bella's Ultimate Martyrdom Plan states that I should fight EVERYONE… and should pick out the most difficult one…

**Bella:** Demetri.

**Edward:** Demetri is mine.

**Aro**: *giggling* You can have him after I'm finished, you delectable little muffin.

**Bella:** *growl*

**Jacob:** *growl*

**Edward:** Why are you all growling?

**Jacob:** Because I'm irritable without my arm candy around me.

**Bella:** Because I'm a badass vampire.

**Edward:** _Ooookay then._ Tanya shouldn't be too much longer. We need to be ready.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Anxious much? What the hell name is Tanya anyway? That charlatan.

**Renesmee:** What if they don't like me? _I mean, I'm a damn sadistic little bitch of a baby._

**Jacob:** Of course they'll-

**Bella:** They don't understand you.

**browniechadowes: ***gives round of applause to Bella for using the worn out excuse every parent tells their child when faced with rejection*

**Bella:** You're special, that's not a bad thing.

**browniechadowes:** Strike that, she has now used both of the excuses parents have picked off from Barney and Friends.

**Renesmee:** This is my fault.

**Jacob, Edward, and Bella:** No.

**Jacob:** All virgins in the room are innocent.

**Tanya:** Edward!

**Edward:** Tanya!

**Bella:** *mumbling* Slutbag.

**Tanya:** What's going on, Edward? _You look ever so slightly less pent up with sexual frustration…_

**Edward:** I'm begging you to hear me out. Listen to everything I say before you react.

**Tanya:** We're listening.

**Edward**: I

**Orchestra:** *drumrolls*

**Edward:** am no longer a virgin. And I knocked up Bella.

**Kate**: How?

**Eleazar:** I've never heard of such a thing.

**Edward:** Jesus, I know I was a prude, but seriously…

**Carmen:** Do you speak, little one?

**Renesmee**: _I'm nearly three months old, bitch. Let's not patronize me._ I can show you.

**Carmen**: *falls subject to creepy face palming* Such a vivid gift! It could only have come from a very gifted father.

**Tanya:** I'll say he is.

**Bella:** *growl*

**Eleazar:** *being face palmed* Ay caray!

**Renesmee:** Watch what I'm showing you, dumbass, or I will go frijoles locos on your ass.

**Eleazar:** Ahhh.

**Jacob:** Watch it, pal.

**Tanya:** How did the Volturi find out about her?

**Edward:** Ask your whore of a sister.

**Kate:** Tanya?

**Tanya:** No…

**Kate:** Irina?

**Edward:** Aro, Cais, Marcus are coming. Even the wives.

**Everyone:** *le gasp* The wives are being let out of the kitchen?

**Edward:** We need witnesses. _As of the fact that Stephenie kind of faded to black my whole losing of the V card experience, it's going to be hard to prove the kid is mine._

**Renesmee:** I'm not dangerous at all.

**Jacob:** *tries hurriedly to hide bloody stump of an arm Renesmee has reduced it to*

**Bella:** *tries hurriedly not to think of backbone or uterus.*

**Alice:** *from a distance rubs her eye recently poked by Renesmee*

**Dead deer:** Not dangerous my ass.

**Tanya:** It is a suicide mission.

**Kate:** I'm in.

**Bella:** That's my line! Where's Alice? I need a hug.


	30. Gayer than Zac Efron

Gayer than Zac Efron

**Eleazar: **Very talented family. A mind reader for a father, a stumblefuck for a mother, and then whatever this child is.

**Renesmee:** I'm flattered… really… just keep the compliments coming.

**Edward:** Excuse me. What did you just call my wife?

**Eleazar:** A… shield.

**Edward:** A shield?

**Eleazer:** She has a powerful latent talent. Aro sent me all over the world searching for such anomalies, and you simply stumble across it.

**browniechadowes:** Hehe, stumbling

**Bella:** How can I be a shield?

**Eleazer:** Have you ever tested your abilities?

**Bella:** _Jane tried to fuck with me once…_ My head is private.

**Eleazer:** Mental defense. Limited, but strong.

**Bella:** *taps maestro* You know what to do.

**Orchestra:** *starts to reluctantly play Superman theme song*

**Bella:** *humming to self* Super Vamptastic!Bella, going to kick some ass and shield some vamps.

**Edward:** *clears throat*

**Bella:** Erm, Jane can't hurt me and Demetri can't find me and Alec can't bother me. Is that good?

**Eleazar:** No, that's terrible. What bad luck that you're shielded from their powers.

**Sarcasm:** *pins gold star on Eleazar*

**Edward:** A shield!

**Bella: **And I'm supposed to be the slow one…

**Renesmee**: Momma, you're special.

**Bella:** Awww.

**Renesmee:** No, seriously, I was clarifying for you. Dad has his moments of slowness, but you are truly Special K to the max.

**Kate:** Can you project?

**Bella:** Project?

**Kate:** Push it out from yourself.

**Bella:** _That's what she said?_ I didn't know I should do that_. I was a virgin only like four months ago._

**Kate:** I've been working on it for centuries and the best I can do is run a current over my skin.

**Bella:** Congratulations?

**Edward: **She's talking about her gift, Bella.

**Bella:** Oh. Teach me what to do! Show me how!

**Kate:** If you stop acting like a moronic seven year old.

**Renesmee:** I resent that.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I was only half-listening to Kate… _even after I screamed at her to show me what to do…_ I had never wanted anything so badly before this: to be able to protect what I loved.

**Edward**: I'll call bullshit. You've been trying to pull the martyrdom shit from chapter one book one. This really isn't all that new.

**Eleazer:** Why are so many Volturi coming?

**Edward:** Aro does not often personally attend an expedition… but once a coven is destroyed, Aro grants a pardon to the gifted vampire. There have been no exceptions.

**Aro:** *popping in* Oh holy skittles, it couldn't possibly be that I have been roaming around on the earth for a long time and maybe, just maybe, want to have a little shin dig? Mix it up by playing Guess Who? with someone other than stick up his ass Marcus?

**Edward:** Aro wants Alice.

**Aro:** Is anyone listening to me? She's a lovely little thing, but not really my cup of tea… I'd take that sticky blonde in the pit over there though…

**Bella:** He wants you, too.

**Aro:** Well, you might have a point there. New Moon made me gayer than Zac Efron spinning around in overly tight pants…

**browniechadowes**: *giggling* I'm not even going to let you change the wording of these next few sentences, Edward.

**Edward:** *mumbling* _Just wait 'til the Aro/Edward shippers come out._ I can't give him anything more than he already has. And of course that's dependent on his finding a way to force me to do his will. He knows me, and he knows how unlikely that is.

**Aro:** Oh, you are a saucy little minx. *bounds back out of scene and sets hair in curlers for the party*

**Edward**: *shivers* Ugh. It's nothing we need to discuss now.

**Eleazer:** He probably wants your mate, too.

**browniechadowes:** *watches with slight giggles as a few random Edward/Bella/Aro shippers go to work on their obscure little fanfics*

**Edward:** *raises eyebrow*

**Browniechadowes:** What? I'm sorry, I have a soft spot for Aro.

**Bella:** Oh crap, it's Charlie.

**Edward:** Nope. Peter and Charlotte. Round two.


	31. AN: Insomnia Bug

**Author's Note from browniechadowes:**

Sorry to all that I've been AWOL for awhile. Now that midterms are over and Spring Break is finally here, I will be updating fairly quickly. *sniff* only a few more chapters to go. I will be posting again tomorrow, but for anyone who's interested, the insomnia bug bit me last night when fanfiction was down and I was trying to upload, hence there is a lovely masterpiece of my astounding boredom I have linked on my profile.

Yeah…so… hmmm… that's what I do with my free time.

Oh, and for those who care (you can pretend to care as well) I've started up a new story in which Bella actually grows and matures as a character after Edward pulls his super-hero break up stunt. Feel free to read it, if you like.


	32. The Racist's Handbook

The Racist's Handbook

**Bella's inner monologue**: So, lots and lots of vampires, all sorts of different sizes and flavors, Irish, Egyptian, and a guy named Garrett- a tall, rangy vampire

**Garrett:** Randy, Bella, randy. Rawr.

**Bella's inner monologue:** with long sandy hair he kept tied back with a leather thong- it was apparent that he was an adventurer.

**Garrett:** Yeah, baby *winks*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Carlisle brought back an introverted melodramatic vampire.

**Edward:** Bella, I've been here the whole time.

**Bella:** No, Edward, not you. Alistair.

**Alistair:** Yes, well now the Volturi know I was here. No way to keep it from Aro. Centuries on the run.

**Edward:** Ah. So you've been introduced to the pool full of Jell-o as well?

**Bella's inner monologue:** Then another pair of unexpected friends arrived. The Amazons.

**Jasper:** *pops in* Hey, Bella, I'm busy doing sneaky Futuretastical Scavenger Hunt stuff, so can you turn on the racism for me while I'm gone? Here. *hands Bella "The Racist's Handbook, Civil War Edition"

**Bella:** I guess… but I don't know how comfortable I am with this. Steph, is this altogether appropriate, especially for a young adult novel?

**Stephenie:** Oh tsk tsk, silly little protagonist, you fail to realize I already had to pull out teeth to convince my publishers to put Breaking Dawn on the shelves. I am going to put anything in it I please. Besides, it's only implied racism. *tweaks Bella's nose with a lock of Caius' hair* Continue.

**Bella's inner monologue:** *shudders* Despite their fierce appearance, they listened calmly to our story, but I couldn't help worrying as I watched their swift movements so close beside Renesmee.

**Jasper:** That's my girl. You give into that inner racism.

**Edward:** _Good lord, Bella, let's step back into the 21__st__ century and trust Zafrina. Even I'm not that bad_. She can make most people see whatever she wants them to see.

**Renesmee:** _Ooh, ooh,_ can I see? _Can you possibly take me out of the hell that has become my life?_

**Zafrina:** *shows Renesmee a forest*

**Renesmee:** More, bitch.

**Zafrina:** *attempts to teach Renesmee a lesson about manners by showing graphic pictures of different family members being dismembered*

**Renesmee:** Sweet.

**Zafrina:** Alright, the kid's pretty bad ass.

**Bella's inner monologue: **It was hard to keep Renesmee away from Zafrina and her pretty pictures. I worried, because Zafrina was able to create images that were not pretty at all. _And *checks "The Racist's Handbook"* a grown adult of that nature would absolutely try to corrupt my poor snowy white baby._

In the meadow:

**Edward:** *pounces on Bella*

**Bella:** *basks in glory that is said undead vamptastic sparkly husband*

**Fangirls:** *drool incessantly*

**Edward:** I'm sorry, Bella. I can't.

**Bella:** What do you mean, you can't? We just started. _And the honeymoon and magical cottage, and Renesmee are proof that you certainly can. Oh, maybe it was me. _Look, I know I'm no good at this, but I can't get better if you don't help me. *pounces on Edward*

**Edward:** I can't… bear it. Emmett and Rosalie know as much as I do. Tanya probably knows more. Ask someone else.

**Bella:** Oh that is the last straw. I'm not getting it on with the leggy bonde whore.

**Edward:** ?

**Bella:** Sex with in-laws and ex-girlfriends?

**Edward:** *sighs* No, Bella. I was talking about fighting.

**Bella:** Oh. So… you wanna have sex?

**Edward:** No, Bella. No.

At the Cullen's:

**Emmett:** *high fiving Super Bear, Penguin, Unicorn, and Kino Laughs* Fuck to the ya. I'm feeling a fight scene coming on. This is so bad ass. Need to get my Fight Club on. Hit me, Bella, hit me right in the face.

**Bella:** *attempts to poke Emmett*

**Emmett:** *pummels Bella's face into the ground* That felt fucking fan-tastic.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Emmett was more than willing to help, though his teaching felt to me a lot like revenge for all the lost arm-wrestling matches. Garrett took a few turns- he was surprisingly good.

**Garrett:** *winks* Thanks doll-face. You can pull on my thong whenever you want.

**Edward:** Growl.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I even fought once with Zafrina. Though I liked her very much, the wild woman scared me to death. _And page five of "The Racist's Handbook" cautions that these people are wild and cannot be trusted, no matter how sweet they seem to act on the outside._

**Renesmee:** Jesus, mother, prejudiced much? Zafrina, can you replay the picture I showed you of me biting the crap out of mommy dearest's uterus of steel?

**Zafrina:** *trying to ignore Bella, who is now twirling around, holding "The Racist's Handbook" in her right hand.* Absolutely.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I hated practice. It killed me that it was Edward who had to suffer- to receive shock after shock… _even though it was a little bit of a turn-on._

**Edward:** Hey. That one barely stung.

**Bella:** Again, Kate.

**Kate:** *attempts to taze Edward, who slaps it away before Bella can see*

**Edward: **Nothing.

**Kate:** Let's taze the baby.

**Bella:** Absolutely not. _I have a feeling that would definitely prove how much of a negligent mother I am._

**Renesmee**: *rolls eyes* Quit being such a pussy about it. If my excuse for a father over there can take it, I certainly can.

**Edward:** _Meh, I don't think there's anything too terribly wrong with it._ Be careful, Kate.

**Kate:** *shoots the tazer*

**Renesmee:** *pulls out a Samurai sword and mutilates said tazer*

**Bella:** I did it!

**Renesmee:** *sighs* Sure you did.

**Bella:** Kate. Again. Edward only.

**Eleazar:** Really, when are you guys going to tell her that Sarcasm and I obviously were joking when we said that Bella had super duper extra powers? I'm sure the tazing is getting old.

**Edward:** But it makes her feel so special.

**Kate:** I'll just pretend to taze Edward, that okay?

**Edward:** Fine.

**Kate**: *pretends to taze Edward*

**Edward:** nothing.

**Kate:** Now?

**Edward:** Natta

**Kate:** Now?

**Edward:** Zilch.

**Bella:** I seriously rule.

**Zafrina:** I want to see how far she can extend. *gives a wink to everyone, as all are in on the "tell Bella she has a power to make her feel better about herself" plan*

**Bella's inner monologue:** My breath came out in a huff. I locked my jaw and shoved the safeguard farther towards Kate. *stares in a constipated fashion at Kate*

**Kate**: *raises hand*

**Edward:** _Awww, how cute. My delectable Bella-kins is finally feeling important._ Fascinating!

**Bella:** Can I have a minute? _Trying to use my brain is tiring._

**Zafrina:** Of course. _I would love for you to rest so you can shoot some other fairly biased comments my way. Joy._

**Garrett:** So, Kate, they say you can put a vampire flat on his back.

**Kate:** Yes, curious?

**Garrett:** *winks* You, me, the tazer, Edward's piano, thirty seconds.

**Edward:** Aghhh! *runs out of room to protect defilement of said piano*

**Carlisle:** *answering the door* Did Alice send you?

**Vladimir:** No one sent us.

**Carlisle:** Then what brings you here now?

**Stefan:** *pulls out pink glittering invitation* _Parcheesi and cream puffs. Aro has ripped off our party ideas for too long._ We hear you are challenging them.

**Carlisle:** We are not challenging the Volturi…

**Stefan:** Then we'll just cross our fingers.

**Vladimir:** And hope we get lucky.

**Garrett:** That's what she said.


	33. Wolfe? Really?

**Wolfe? Really?**

**Jacob:** I'm sick of all these reeking bloodsuckers. _Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot, Steph, for turning me into a pedophile and a dead person ally. Makes me feel all bubbly inside._ I think Dracula One and Dracula Two are creep-tacular.

**Bella:** I don't disagree with you there.

**Stefan:** *popping in* Damn it, is it too much for us to ask that Aro quit ripping off our ideas for parties? Vladimir and I are involved… I think he's jealous.

**Bella's inner monologue: **Unlike the rest of us, Renesmee found the Romanians strangely fascinating.

**Super Bear:** Well, shit, that's because she's about as "creep-tacular" as they are.

**Renesmee:** Damn straight, Super Bear.

**Vladimir:** *to Renesmee* The Volturi's eyes are filmed with dusty scum, but ours are bright. I imagine that will give us an advantage when we gouge theirs from their sockets.

**Renesmee:** *claps hands* My favorite pastime. Why couldn't I imprint on one of these dudes?

At Charlie's:

**Charlie:** Look at you, Nessie! Come to Grampa!

**browniechadowes:** Wait… Steph, why the hell didn't you bother to spell Grandpa right? I mean, phonetically it's practically the same…

**Stephenie:** Hmmm, thought I heard someone talking. Must have been the wind.

**Charlie:** You looks skinny, Ness. Are they feeding you?

**Renesmee's inner monologue:** Mmmm, you could be a little snack if you like *flashes dimples*

**Bella:** Sorry, Charlie *chuckles*I have errands to run. Futuretastical games to play…

**Charlie:** Christmas shopping?

**Bella**: _Oh, that's where I got my stunning intellect. _Yeah, Christmas shopping.

**Bella's inner monologue:** There were ways to prepare for what was coming. Today, I would rectify that oversight. Cue music!

**Orchestra:** *Mission Impossible theme punctures the air*

**Bella's inner monologue:** J. Jinks. To say that this wasn't a nice neighborhood would be an understatement. During my human years, I would have locked the doors and driven away as fast as I dared… *flips through the series* Of course I would have Steph. Like the time with the potential rapists in Port Angeles, or with James at the ballet studio, or cutting my arm in front of Victoria,… ya.

**Whistler:** Hey, lady.

**Bella:** I'm looking for someone.

**Whistler:** I'm someone.

**Bella:** _Mmmm, haven't gotten any from Edward in a while… No. Bad Bella. _Are you J. Jenks?

**Whistler:** _That sounds a little like an overused Scooby Doo name to me…_ No.

**Bella:** I have a baby. Back off. It's Teletubbies, Barney, and Scooby Doo… but thinking back on it maybe I shouldn't have let her watch Family Guy. She seems really taken with Stewie…

**Whistler:** Look, lady-

**Bella:** Bella. _I am woman, hear me roar. You will call me by my first name because apparently for the first time in the series I'm offended by that_. And I'm a Cullen.

**Whistler:** *talking to Jenks* She's fucking hot. Like I want to lick you on the side of the street hot. Ya. *pause* Okay! *hangs up phone.* Drug cartel?

**Bella:** _Why does everyone think that? Stupid husband and his stupid Guardian bomb resistant car. _Just say no!

**Whistler:** Mafia?

**Bella:** *attempts to do impressions of "The Godfather"*

**Whistler:** I'll take that as a no.

In Jenks' Office:

**Bella:** You call me Bella, I'll call you J?

**Jenks:** Like old friends. _A little pretentious, don't you think? _What can I do for you?

**Bella:** Papers.

**Jenks:** The names?

**Bella:** Jacob… oh shit, last name, last name… Wolf. And… Vanessa Wolfe.

**browniechadowes:** *throws battered, torn, and unpaid for copy of Breaking Dawn against the wall yet again.* Seriously, Stephenie? She has the mind of a fucking vampire, and she comes up with Wolfe?

**Jenks:** I'll need pictures.

**Bella**: _Apparently I carry a wallet on me… and just happen to have a picture of Jacob holding Renesmee. _She's like her father.

**Jenks:** Who is not this man *pointing to Jacob*

**Jacob:** *pops in* Way to rub it the fuck in, man.

**Jenks:** It'll take a week.

**Bella:** There. *tosses Jenks a wad of money.*

**Jenks:** It's customary for you to save half to ensure delivery.

**Bella:** I trust you.

**Edward:** You trusted me, too, and look where that got you…

**Jenks:** I hope to God you never go into business.

**Bella:** *in husky, weird voice* You have seven days.

**Jenks:** What?

**Bella:** Seven days.

**Jenks:** ?

**Bella:** Jesus, meet me at a restaurant in a week and have the documents.


	34. Putain de Trebucher

**Putain de Trebucher**

**browniechadowes:** *blinking* Over 200 reviews? I think I'm blushing, Super Bear.

**Super Bear:** Look, can you quit gloating and let us get on with this stupid ass parody?

**browniechadowes**: *mumbling* but it's over 200…

____________________________________________________

**Edward:** *plays Bella's creepy lullaby* Welcome home.

**Bella:** Sorry I was gone so long. I stepped out to do Christmas shopping for Renesmee.

**Edward:** _Ugh, Christmas. Egg nog and fat old men and *shuddering* mistletoe._ I hadn't thought much about it. Do I get to see?

**Bella's inner monologue:** I fished the bag from my clutch without opening the purse enough for Edward to see the cash I was still carrying. _Because it would absolutely make no sense for me to be carrying cash as I'm going Christmas shopping or anything…_

**Edward:** *looking at locket* Do you know what this says?

**Bella:** 'more than my own life'. Is that right_? I sure as hell hope so. Note #7 in the Bella's Ultimate Martyrdom Plan state that if giving Christmas presents to your child, you should remind them that you are a martyr by having it engraved in their present._

**Edward:** Huh. *reads locket* … _Putain de trebucher._ Yes… you're right.

**browniechadowes:** Kudos to the person who can translate that little ditty. Edward can… and so can my super Frenchie ex-boyfriend…

**Bella:** I want to practice with Emmett.

**Emmett:** Fuck ya. *turning up Fight Club* Here, Bella, give me your hand. I have to kiss it and burn the shit out of it with some acid. It's gonna be killah.

**Edward:** There's plenty of time for that tomorrow.

**Bella:** But I want to be burned with acid…

**Edward:** Tomorrow.

**Bella's inner monologue:** So I am now going to monologue about Christmas and the fact that Edward gave our 4 month old an MP3 player,

**Renesmee:** I really am going to be a spoiled little bitch, huh?

**Bella's inner monologue: **and on her wrist was an intricately braided Quileute version of a promise ring. Edward gritted his teeth over that one.

**Edward:** Sorry that the man who my now-wife cheated on me with just gave a promise ring to my newborn daughter.

**Jacob:** When you put it that way, it is pretty fucked up.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I hadn't seen my mother since the wedding. She was too fragile for my world.

**Renee:** Oh, fuck that. *throws down Breaking Dawn* Really? I gave birth, got a divorce, lived as a single parent in a large city by myself for over a decade and am "too fragile". Phil, where's my damn loofa? I'm done with this shit.

The Cullen House:

**Edward:** Alistair is gone. _Shit, does that mean I'm going back to being the brooding vampire with emotional attachment problems?_

**Amun:** You're stealing my coven, Carlisle!

**Benjamin:** Chill, Amun, you're still my priority piece of ass.

**Amun:** This won't end well.

**Carlisle:** You can switch sides. I'm sure the Volturi will appreciate your help.

**Aro:** *wiping cool whip off of face* Well, at the rate this is going, my team will be short a few players for Pictionary…

**Bella:** Why did Alistair go?

**Edward:** That's what brooding vampires do when faced with a tough decision… *flips through New Moon* Aha *points to page* see? Nothing out of the ordinary.

**Vladimir:** At least when we ruled, we were honest about what we were. Time to evil vampire gossip dis the Volturi?

**Stefan:** Oh, goodie, yes. We never put on white hats, _especially before labor day._

**Aro:** That was ONE TIME, and I had drank too much of the spiked punch…

**Vladimir:** Our vendetta will be repaid.

**Aro:** Just because we beat you in strip poker that one time…

**Stephan:** We fight!

**Vladimir:** We fight!

**Tia:** We will fight, too!

**Garrett:** Who the hell are you, Tia? *smacks Benjamin on the ass* Here's to freedom from oppression. *winks at Tanya*.

**Tanya:** _Kinky._ We fight with Carlisle.

**Jacob:** The packs will fight with the Cullens.

**Sam:** Screw you, Jacob.

**Maggie:** I'm in, too.

**Emmett:** Fuckin' hell ya. Dude, Jasper, where did you put my Boondock Saints DVD? I need to get my Willem DaFoe on…

Hunting:

**Jacob:** Stupid leeches.

**Edward:** They'll be shocked when you save their superior lives, won't they?

**Jacob:** Hell yea, they will.

**Edward:** *wrinkles up nose at manuscript* Oh, of all shit that is holy, Stephenie, what the crap was that little exchange? He's going to grow up and fuck the shit out of my baby… I hightly doubt I'd be bantering around with him.

**Jacob:** Yeah… I'm not buying it either.

**Bella's inner monologue:** The elk dropped from my hands. I stared blankly at my bloody hands.

**Edward:** What's wrong?

**Bella:** _I just chomped the aorta out of a furry woodland creature._ Renesmee.

**Edward:** She's fine.

**Bella:** I was thinking about my shield- you really think it's worth something? What if that's a mistake?

**Edward:** _Shit. Didn't think she'd figure out we were all just trying to make her feel special, and laugh at her behind her back…_ Don't distress yourself needlessly.

**Bella:** But what if I can't protect anything?

**Edward:** Erm… don't panic?

**Bella's inner monologue:** I shuddered to think of Renesmee so close to Aro's greedy, mily eyes.

**Aro:** Well, really, that's rather offensive. And I'm not the one skipping around here with an inappropriate child fetish.


	35. Random Plans

**Random Plans**

**browniechadowes: **Lovely guesses on the French perviness, everyone. "Putain de trebucher" technically translates into stumbling whore… but my friends tell me it's as close as possible to stumblefuck. So even though Bella's killed it off, the stumblefuckedness lives on! Mwa ha.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Edward:** Headed out?

**Bella: **Like a baby.

**Renesmee:** Well, not really in my case. Your baby-hole is still perfectly unstretched.

**Bella's inner monologue:** _I am now going to monologue about how paranoid I am becoming of my new husband:_ Had he read the odometer after my last errand? How much had he pieced together?

**Edward:** Honestly, after you changed, I have stopped being able to pick up on and/or care if you are lying to me.

At the restaurant:

**Bella's inner monologue:** I gave the name Jenks at the podium.

**Maitre d:** Here, why don't you fuck me?

**Bella:** ?

**Maitre d:** Erm, follow me?

**Bella's inner monologue:** I was flattered; I still wasn't used to being beautiful to everyone rather than just Edward.

**browniechadowes**: *pulling back deranged Bella/Bella shippers* Damn it Stephenie!

**Bella's inner monologue:** I wondered what it would feel like to put my hand in fire. What it would feel like when I burned…

**Super Bear:** Well, Bella, as of the fact that burning a vampire is the only way to kill it, I think that a rather stupid idea.

**Jenks:** You look stunning, if I may be so bold, Mrs. Cullen.

**Bella**: *winks at self in spoon, licking reflection* Call me Bella.

**Jenks:** Jasper is_… a psychopath? Seriously deranged and mentally unsound?_ Unsettling.

**Bella:** Have you known Jasper long?

**Jenks:** He never changes.

**Jasper:** Okay, so the family decides to send the only vampire having major issues controlling bloody appetites to take care of business. Don't blame me.

**Jenks:** Let me get your items first. I want to make sure you're satisfied.

**Bella:** That's what she said.

**Jenks:** Sorry?

**Bella:** Erm, thank you.

**Jenks**: You are Mr. Edward's bride, then?

**Bella:** *laughs at the name "Mr. Edward"*

**Jenks:** You're not planning to kidnap the little girl from her father?

**Bella:** Oh no. It's nothing like that at all. I'm just shipping off my half-vamp blood drinking daughter to her pedophilic future lover werewolf so she doesn't get mutilated by old as balls vampire royalty.

**Jinks:** Good luck with that?

**Bella:** Thank you. Tootles!

The Cullen House:

**Garrett:** *to Kate* I'm telling you, the calories you burn while doing _that _are bigger. It's a lot harder to do…

**Bella's inner monologue:** Kate and Garrett were in the front room, arguing about the nutritional value of animal blood.

**Garrett:** Ya… we were definitely talking about blood.

**Bella's inner monologue:** So I stole Alice's backpack and decided to become forlorn against the bedpost. Then I had an epiphany: I would send Renesmee to Rio de Janeiro to "search for legends".

**Super Bear:** Can I point out how random that plan is?

**Stephenie:** Quiet, Super Bear.

**Super Bear**: I'm not even really one of your characters, crazy lady.

**Bella's inner monologue**: It was better that Renesmee go on without me. But I already missed her so much.

**Renesmee:** What? After all of the parental bonding time? Because last time I checked, not a hell of a lot of that has been going on. Passing me from family member to family member while you get some nasty vampirish ass, yes.

**Bella's inner monologue**: I crossed my fingers that Jake had at least taken Spanish as his language elective.

**Jacob:** Thanks for running the whole South America pedophilic run-off through me, by the way.

**Bella's inner monologue**: I wondered if it would surprise the Volturi that their prey didn't run.

**Aro:** Of all Martha Stewart holiness, we just want to have a damn little cocktail party.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Edward and I had not had a last grand scene of farewell. It would be the same as typing the words "The End" on the last page of a manuscript.

**Edward:** *flips to the end of the manuscript* Uggghhh.

**Bella:** I love you more than anything.

**Renesmee:** Whatever. You love dad more, because I'm pretty sure you're about to ditch me.

**Bella:** In our hearts we'll always be together. You have to leave me.

**Renesmee: **Stupid ass teenaged fornicating mother.

**Bella:** Oh, and don't tell Jacob until I tell you to run.

**Renesmee**: Because confiding in the technical four month old is safer than confiding in the pseudo-guardian. Right.

**Bella:** *puts on necklace*

**Renesmee:** Fuck, Stephenie. I refuse to be attracted to shiny objects.

**Stephenie:** Oh come on, it is cute and endearing.

**Renesmee:** _About as endearing as me tonguing Jacob._ *In cooing sickly sweet little girl voice* Pretty.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Edward stiffened and hissed low between his clenched teeth.

**Bella:** Uh, Edward, I don't think now is the time to, you know, jack off.

**Edward:** *rolls eyes* The Volturi are coming.

**Bella:** It's not really the time for them to jack off either.


	36. Caius Calls Bullshit

**Caius Calls Bullshit**

**Bella's inner monologue:** They came with pageantry, with a kind of beauty.

**Aro:** Why thank you, you are a doll!

**Bella's inner monologue:** There were 32 of them. We were still outnumbered.

**Aro:** I'm sure we could do some shuffling around, or play something that doesn't need even teams…

**Garrett:** The redcoats are coming, the redcoats are coming. *chuckles*

**Everyone:** *stares at Garrett's randomness*

**Vladimir:** They did come.

**Stefan:** The wives, the entire guard. All of them together.

**Bella:** *looking green* Well, now was definitely not the time… and all together? What is it with vampires being so sexually liberated.

**Edward:** They come to destroy and acquire.

**Aro:** Well, it's just monopoly… but if you want to get all dramatic on us…

**Bella's inner monologue:** The wolves had joined us. There were seventeen total. With so many vampires a werewolf population explosion was inevitable. More children dying.

**Jacob:** Considering that… the three great-grandfathers must have gotten around. Seriously, if there are that many werewolf genes running around, they were kinda man-whores, don't ya think?

**Bella's inner monologue:** I was furious. I was murderously enraged. *snarls*

**Edward:** They're not sure how to proceed. They've never been outnumbered before. That's what stopped them.

**Aro:** *furiously counting cream puffs* Drat, drat, drat. Not enough at all, even with the extras I brought along.

**Carlisle:** Aro, my old friend. It's been centuries.

**Aro:** Mmmm fine ass, Carlisle.

**Carlisle:** ?

**Aro:** Erm, fair words? But you seem ready to kill me, and my dear ones.

**Carlisle:** You have but to touch my hand to know that was never my intent.

**Aro:** _Oh, I'll touch more than that silky surgeon's hand of yours *winks*_ But before, there is the issue of breaking the law…

**Carlisle:** The law is not broken.

**Caius:** *disentangling himself from Stephenie's clutches* We see the child, Carlisle.

**Carlisle:** She's not a vampire.

**Caius:** *bitch-slaps Irina* This is the child you saw?

**Irina:** This child is bigger than the one I saw.

**Renesmee:** Gee, thanks. That really makes me feel great about myself.

**Aro**: I need evidence directly from your talented son *thinking back to the pool of jell-o and smiling*

**Edward:** *thinking back to the pool full of jell-o and cringing*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Of course he wanted Edward. _Who wouldn't want my delicious sparkly popsicle god?_

**Jane**: *smiles at Edward*

**Everyone:** Bum bum buuuuuuumm. Jane!

**Bella:** Oh no you di-n't, bitch. *tries to use non-existent super power* Ahahahahha.

**Bella's inner monologue**: I saw Jacob's big black eye roll down to stare at me like I'd lost my mind.

**Jacob:** Well, no shit Sherlock. I mean, you are kind of laughing like a maniacal villain.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Aro took Edward's hand. His eyes snapped shut at once. Every kiss, every touch between Edward and me… all of that was Aro's now, too.

**Aro:** No, Stephenie left out most of the juicy parts. I have smutty fanfics to get off on… some involving yours truly. I simply am massaging Edward's hand. It's so soft and supple.

**Bella:** *growl*

**Aro:** Oh holy bon-bons! *reading Edward's mind*

**Edward:** You see?

**Aro:** I see, indeed. He's not a virgin.

**Caius**: Bullshit.

**Collected Volturi:** *pull out copies of Breaking Dawn* But… they never have sex…

**Aro:** Introduce me to your daughter?

**Edward:** Bella, bring Renesmee… and a few friends.

**Bella:** Jacob? Emmett?

**Emmett:** *grins and starts humming "Eye of the Tiger" while applying war paint*

**Demetri:** Interesting company you keep *staring at Jacob, who forgot to take off the Polly Pocket bracelet Renesmee gave to him*

**Jacob:** *growl* _Fuck, it's not my fault Stephenie had me imprint on a baby… a sweet, feisty sexy… ugh. Must. Stop. Thinking. Pedophilic. Thoughts._

**Felix:** Hello again, Bella. You look good.

**Bella:** Thanks. *watches as ego-meter is shocked back to life*

**Felix:** It's too bad…

**Bella:** Yes, too bad, isn't it?

**Felix:** *winks as he slowly sidles over to Bella, caressing-*

**browniechadowes:** For God's sake, no more damn shipping. Jesus, Steph, put enough freaking innuendos in there? *smacks drooling Felix/Bella shipper back into the corner*

**Aro:** I hear her strange heart. I smell her strange scent. Oh, and Bella, you truly are a sexy mink.

**Renesmee's inner monologue:** Fuck my life.

**Bella:** *nods* _Well, I am the shit._

**Aro:** You liked my gift?

**Bella:** It's beautiful. I probably should have sent a note.

**Aro:** _Well, yes, that would be polite. When someone gives you a priceless piece of jewelry it would be good manners to send them a thank you and maybe not look at them like you want to kill them. _I thought it might compliment your new face.

**Jane**: Back off my old-ass sugarkins, Bella you fuck.

**Bella's inner monologue:** It seemed Jane wasn't happy about the fact that Aro had given me a present. *sticks out tongue childishly at Jane*

**Jane:** *rolls eyes*

**Aro: **Hello, Renesmee.

**Renesmee:** Hello, Aro.

**Aro:** Half mortal, half immortal. Conceived so, and carried by this newborn while she was still human.

**Caius:** I still call bullshit. Nowhere in the book does Edward seal the deal with human Bella.

**Aro:** You think they've fooled me, brother?

**Caius:** I think you're quick to wish that Edward's sexually available…

**Aro:** I wonder… *stares at Jacob*

**Edward:** It doesn't work that way. _He seems very much into women… and you're a little old for his taste._

**Aro:** Hmmm, well we do need a few more on our side for Pictionary…

**Wolves:** *snarl*

Aro: This lot has picked its side. So much to discuss. So much to decide_… so many cream puffs to come up with. And we haven't even broken out the cosmos yet._


	37. Aro Throws Cream Puffs

**Aro Throws Cream Puffs**

browniechadowes: Hey, all. You have been spendiforous, and I'm loving all the reviews at the support I've gotten… however academia calls and I'm going to have to put SM&TUOS on hiatus indefinitely.

Aro: *throws cream puffs at readers*

Super Bear: Eff that noise… Ah well, more beer less torture.


	38. Aro Wastes Cream Puffs

**Aro Wastes Cream Puffs**

**Super Bear:** Seriously? That's your idea of an April Fools joke?

**browniechadowes:** Oh, give me a little credit. I've been doing the parodies since January. Did you really think I'd abandon it just a few chapters away from finishing?

**Edward**: *hiccupping* Well, I's hads my hopes up.

**Aro:** You're telling me, popkins, that I threw cream puffs for no reason? I'm running short as it is!

**browniechadowes:** *sighing* Thanks everyone for dealing with my stupid sense of humor and I'm sorry if I gave anyone a heart attack. Better?

********************************************************

**Caius:** Why do we stand here impotently-

**Edward:** I am _not_ impotent. I have a damn child to prove it.

**Caius:** *looking at Edward incredulously* This is a ridiculous deception. _There is no way Edward Cullen lost his V-card._

**Aro**: It's true! _Please don't crush my dream of SexuallyLiberated!Edward… *breaks out Twister*_

**Everyone:** *confused*

**Bella's inner monologue: ***looks at manuscript* _I guess now I'm supposed to monologue about using my power._ I pulled the elastic armor very carefully closer. It hugged Carlisle. I tugged in more threads of the fabric. The shield clung to them willingly.

**Carlisle: **We really should tell her soon that she doesn't have a super vampire power…

**Bella:** Huh?

**Carlisle:** Nothing… nothing. Go back to what you were doing.

**Caius:** You will defend the Children of the Moon? Carlisle encourages a familiar relationship with them, the better to protect his warped lifestyle.

**Carlisle:** Hey, just because I talk to pedophiles doesn't mean I adhere to the lifestyle *shoots Jacob a look*

**Edward:** Well, they aren't even _real_ werewolves.

**Jacob:** Hey!

**Aro:** True. Not werewolves.

**Jacob:** Fuck you. That's all I have going for me… not that it's going to get me laid or anything.

**Caius:** They know our secret.

**Aro:** They are creatures of our supernatural world, brother. _And that big one's rather cute. And if we wipe them out, bingo is going to be ever so less interesting…_

**Caius:** Irina. _Mmmm, scapegoat time._

**Irina:** I had no idea… _that Edward would be capable of even producing sperm. I'm pretty sure I saw his balls gallivanting away with Bella's estranged heart…_

**Caius:** But the Cullens sided with the "shape-shifters"-

**Jacob:** Eff that noise, we're badass werewolves.

**Caius:** *ignoring Jacob* against a friend.

**Irina:** Yeah, the Cullens were kinda bitchy like that, but I guess they're innocent.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I am now going to describe the Volturi setting Irina on fire.

**Renesmee:** That's just all sorts of fucked up.

**Super Bear**: Took the words right out of my mouth, sister.

**Tanya:** *goes to bitch-slap Caius* Go back to Stephenie, you bitch!

**Edward:** Stop them!

**Kate:** *lunges to Caius*

**Emmett: **Fuck, ya. It's gonna be fight time! *pumps fists in the air punching invisible bag*

**Bella's inner monologue:** I am now going to ponder what Caius is thinking… Steph, necessary?

**Stephenie:** Yes, Bella, yes. It's almost the end and I need to make this the longest most epic most awesomest sequel EVER.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Jesus, alright then. *sighs, reading script* Did Caius see my shield grow? Did he think Garrett had learned his own form of immunity?

**Stefan and Vladimir: ***murmer to each other* Ha ha, Caius is pissed.

**Aro:** So *clearing throat and stuffing a cream puff down Stephan's pants*… sorry about the whole murdering Irina thing. Let's get back to chatting. Amun, it has been so long since you've visited me.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Amun was motionless with anxiety.

**Amun:** You would fucking be anxious, too, if you knew what Aro has you do after you take Boardwalk and Park Place in monopoly…

**Aro:** Did you have reason to stay away?

**Bella's inner monologue: **Amun said nothing.

**Amun:** Again… pretty self-explanatory.

**Aro:** Oh well, we're all together now! Isn't it lovely?

**browniechadowes:** Shit, Stephenie, I didn't even have to inject the gayness in there. That's all you…

**Stephenie: ***indignantly* He's not gay, he's from a different time.

**browniechadowes:** Oooookay.

**Amun:** The child is Edward's biologically.

**Caius:** I still call bullshit.

**Amun:** Well, I'm peacing out. Adios.

**Aro:** Hmmm, we could learn so much from her, but there is danger.

**Sarcasm:** Fuck, ya. She scares the shit out of me.

**Alice:** *tries to hide poked eye*

**Jacob:** *tries to hide bitten arm*

**Bella:** *tries to hide shredded uterus*

**Garrett:** Can I offer a side to be considered?

**Aro:** Nomad. _Hot, hot nomad._

**Garrett:** You're pretty much a bastard that's hell bent on cramming cream puffs down everyone's pants and cheating at Parcheesi…

**Bella's inner monologue:** I watched Aro's face as Garrett's words condemned him. But Aro's face was only politely amused.

**Aro:** Alright, so I can feel the party vibe leaving. Do we keep Renesmee or let her live?

**Makenna**: Jesus I'm a random character, and I'm peacing out at that.

**Bella:** *to Jacob* Run away with my under-aged daughter. Fly fly!

**Bella's inner monologue:** Edward's and Jacob's-

**browniechadowes:** Grammatically shouldn't that be Edward and Jacob's?

**Stephenie:** *throws twizzler at browniechadowes' eye*

**Bella's inner monologue:** faces were almost identical masks of horror.

**Renesmee: **Again, I feel so damn flattered.

**Edward: ***kisses Renesmee*

**Jacob:** Mine, bitch.

**Edward: **Oh, gross.

**Jacob:** *reading manuscript* Oh, Steph… really? Fuck this shit, fuck my life. Ugh…

**Edward:** Seriously, this line reeks… I don't know if I can choke it out. *takes a shot* Goodbye, Jacob, my brother… my son.

**Edward and Jacob: ***puke all over Unicorn*

**browniechadowes:** *re-duct tapes copy of Breaking Dawn together from throwing it at the wall consistently*

**Unicorn:** Ya, thanks a lot.

**Garrett:** *to Kate* If we live through this I'll follow you anywhere, woman.- Ummm, Steph, is that supposed to be funny?

**Stephenie:** *hiding worn copy of "Humor for Dummies"… nooooo.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Get ready. It's starting.

**Edward:** *looking at Bella with an eyebrow raised* Ummm, *flips through manuscript* There's not exactly going to be a fi-

**Penguin:** *slaps Edward* Emmett won't get through the parody if you spoil that one.


	39. Emmett Gets Fucked Bella Blows Bubbles

**Emmett Gets Fucked While Bella Blows Bubbles**

**browniechadowes:** *hides face in disgrace* so, so sorry to have pulled a terrible April Fools joke.

**Stephenie:** I found it hilarious.

**browniechadowes**: Eh… my point exactly.

***************************************************************

**Edward:** Chelsea is trying to break our bindings.

**Bella:** *grabs at container of bubbles that Aro dropped, opening it and blowing them throughout the crowd* _Hum, dee hum. Bubbles!_ I am all over this.

**Carlisle:** *bubble bursts in Carlisle's eye* Shit!

**Edward: **Carlisle? Are you alright?

**Carlisle:** _It's just a little soap._ Yes. Why?

**Edward: **_Soap can hurt like a bitch… but I guess to keep your manliness factor up I'll say…_ Jane.

**Orchestra:** Bum bum buuuuuuuuuum…

**Everyone:** Jane!

**Edward:** *Watching Bella blow more bubbles* Incredible_. Have married a complete idiot._

**Vladimir:** I told you this was our time *skipping and following a bubble*

**Stefan:** Just look at the witch's face *pointing to Jane*

**Jane:** *points to self* Me. Vampire. Sure you're not fantasizing about a Harry Potter fanfic?

**Bella's inner monologue:** Aro and Caius watched the opening earth with wide eyes. The mist curled upward, seeking a breach, a weakness. It found none.

**Aro:** Oh, holy fuck. Seriously, people? *watches as entire Volturi guard skips around trying to poke at bubbles in the air* If I thought that would be such a hit, I wouldn't have slaved away trying to make my delectable cream puffs…

**Benjamin:** Well done, Bella! _Well, we all know she's rather slow. It's kinda like telling a five year old their picture of a purple back-assward chicken is art…_

**Bella:** I'm going to have to concentrate. *humming SuperVamptastical!Bella theme song in head*

**Edward:** I'll keep them off of you. _Holy shit, I probably should tell her she doesn't have a power now…_

**Kate:** Jane's mine. *her hand slides slowly over pubescent Jane's-*

**browniechadowes:** Oh for God's sake, no. No random Kate/Jane shipping. I'm sure that exists about as much as a Bella/Bella/Bella marathon…

**Tanya:** I want Caius.

**Bella:** Whore.

**browniechadowes:** Shit! The shipping! It's giving me a damn headache. Really Steph? You can't tell me you didn't write some serious implications in here *shakes copy of Breaking Dawn*

**Stephenie:** Whatever do you mean? *bites Twizzler and pulls Caius by the hair away from Tanya*

**Aro:** There need be no violence here. Unless I freaking lose at battleship again *wrings hands* Let's vote. I want to know who will be on my team.

**Marcus:** _Ugh, I guess I would rather sip a cosmo than end this shitty book in a bloodbath._ Let us leave in peace.

**Super Bear:** Thanks a lot, E.T.

**Aro:** I must make the deciding vote, it seems.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Suddenly, Edward stiffened at my side.

**Edward:** Yes!

**Aro:** *winks at Edward* Thought you'd come around eventually, popkin. *shoves cream puff down Edward's pants*

**Edward:** Aro?

**Aro:** Yes, Edward? You have something further… _oh please say you want another romp in the jell-o._

**Edward:** Perhaps.

**Aro:** *clapping hands together furiously*

**Edward:** I have something more to offer.

**Aro:** Oh, good lord of everything fuzzy and cuddly…

**browniechadowes:** Fuck. No. *slaps Aro/Edward shippers back into the pit of discarded characters*

**Jane:** *tries to steal bubbles from Bella*

**Edward:** Aro, ask Jane to stop attacking my wife?

**Aro:** Peace. *shoots a peace sign*

**Jane:** Fuck you all.

**Edward:** Drum roll, maestro?

**Orchestra:** *drum rolls*

**Edward:** Why don't you join us, Alice?

**Super Bear:** Is that supposed to fucking surprise us?

**Emmett:** I dunno, but I hope to God it spurs on this damn fight. Three chapters of talking shit is getting to my testosterone.

**browniechadowes**: *looks at Breaking Dawn skeptically* Really? Alright, I'm not even going to parody this… Eh, hem, word for word, in the verbose eloquence of S. Meyer:

Alice.

Alice!

Alice, Alice, Alice!

Alice! Alice!

Alice.

**browniechadowes:** Riiiight.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Alice dance into the clearing and I felt like the bliss of seeing her face again might knock me off my feet.

**Alice:** Awww, Steph, you're getting my hopes up with my scrumptious little Bella.

**Edward:** Alice, introduce the witnesses?

**Caius:** The time for witnesses is past!

**browniechadowes:** *cough* passed *cough* God, grammar, anyone?

**Alice:** This is Huilen and her nephew, Nahuel.

**Penguin: **Say those names five times fast. Shit, are hybrids all doomed to ridiculously retarded names?

**Bella's inner monologue:** Hearing her voice… it was like she'd never left. *Her arm crept around mine as I slowly moved-*

**browniechadowes: **Stephenie, you aren't helping matters at all. *pushes incessant Alice/Bella shippers into the drooling fangirl corner*

**Huilen:** I am Huilen.

**Everyone:** *face-palm* Oh god, just as smart as Bella over there.

**Huilen:** *ignoring stares* So… my sister was a dirty whore that has a fucking angel fantasy and ended up diddling with a vamp. She got knocked up and Nahuel here chewed through her uterus of steel and killed her and bit me.

**Aro:** Nahuel, you are 150 years old? _Damn, a little to old for my taste…_

**Jacob: **That's my line.

**Nahuel:** Yep, but I reached maturity at 7.

**Super Bear:** Which still makes no fucking sense. Really? Half-vampy people just skip through the whole kid phase and then become immortal. How fucking convenient.

**Bella's inner monologue: **I felt a shudder tremble through Jacob's body. I didn't want to think about this yet.

**Jacob:** Ummm, sorry, but I'm still a damn virgin and it's cool to think that I can get some ass in a few years…

**Aro:** Ah, brothers, there appears to be no danger. _Now lets chase those adorable bubbles, eat some cream puffs, have a few cosmos, and lather ourselves in the whipped cream of the pit._ We do not fight today.

**Emmett:** *stopping lathering himself in war paint and muttering "I pity the fool" under his breath* What. The. Fuck?

**Unicorn, Penguin, and Super Bear:** It's okay, Em.

**Emmett: **Fuck the whole damn series. Really? We… talk things out? Fuck that shit. No fucking fight? I need a shot…

**Aro:** Carlisle, my dear friend… mojito?

**Carlisle:** Perhaps, if you prove a friend to us again.

**Bella:** Is it really over?

**Edward:** Yes. Like all… oh, fuck, Stephenie, really?

**Stephenie:** *taking her eyes off of Barney and Friends* Yes, Edward, yes. Morals.

**Edward:** *sighs* like all bullies, they're cowards underneath the swagger.

**Renesmee:** *scoffing* Let's add that to my list of bullshit.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Cheers erupted. Lots and lots of everyone loving…

**Aro:** Well, I guess I can stay for the after-party *shoves another cream puff down Jacob's pants.

**Renesmee:** I get to stay with you? _I'm fucking stuck with all of you?_

**Bella:** Forever.

**Edward:** Forever.

**Bella's inner monologue:** I lifted my head and kissed him with a passion that might possibly set the forest on fire.

**Renesmee:** Fuck my life.

**Emmett:** You said it, sister.

**Renesmee:** *steals shot out of Emmett's fist*


	40. Mary Sue is Insulted

**Mary Sue is Insulted**

**Edward:** Fuck. Really?

**Bella:** Well it does seem a little far fetched…

**Super Bear:** *steps away from fangirls and Stephenie vomiting sugary happiness and rainbows all over the place*

**browniechadowes:** *crosses herself and thanks God she's sitting at a Borders… as she didn't waste money on this ending.*

**Old Man in Chair Next to browniechadowes:** *stares at Breaking Dawn copy, which is now thrown against a wall, and mutters about damn kids.*

**Stephenie: **Oh, lighten up everyone! I had this all planned from the beginning. It's my story and I will finish it as I see fit.

**Renesmee:** So you planned all along for me to get it on with someone over 15 years older than me? Sick.

**Bella:** Ya, well Edward's technically over 80 years older than me…

**Stephenie:** Please! I've let you ruin the whole series. Just get on with it already.

**Edward**: *takes shot from Emmett, who has glued himself to Green Street Hooligans and is drinking straight from the bottle* What it really boiled down to was… Bella. _Are we still keeping up that charade?_

**Aro:** I'm taking my cream puffs where they're appreciated *heads to the pit of discarded characters*

**Stefan and Vladimir:** *mysteriously disappear right after Aro…*

**Bella's inner monologue:** So… *clears throat* Caius, you think you could?

**Caius:** *distracts Stephenie with shadow puppets*

**Bella's inner monologue:** Alright. In summary, everyone says their goodbyes in a freaking drawn out way…

**Edward:** If Aro hadn't been so terrified of Bella, he would have gone ahead with their plan.

**Bella:** Terrified? Of me?

**Edward:** _Damn. I knew she'd catch on sooner or later._ When will you ever see yourself clearly?

**Bella:** Oh, silly Edward. Never. I haven't had a streak of seeing myself clearly and not worshipping you on a pedestal since the beginning of Twilight. It's part of my Mary Sue charm.

**Mary Sue**: Fuck you. That sincerely insults me.

**Emmett:** *peeling his eyes from the television set* Fuck it. No, Steph. No fight, no talky. Gimme back mah whiskey…

**Stephenie:** Emmett *holds whiskey bottle out in front of him*

**Emmett:** _Fine._- Well, the Volturi were surrounded by horse-sized wolves. *pokes Jacob's arm, slaps Stephenie, and takes back bottle*

**Jacob:** Sure was. _What the fuck happened to my character development? _

**Edward:** Caius is terrified of werewolves.

**Bella:** So there are _real_ werewolves?

**Jacob:** Does that make me imaginary?

**Super Bear:** Technically, you all are… but I don't know why someone would make up an imaginary teenage wolf-boy that falls in love with a baby that was conceived by a virginal vampire and your former ex-lover.

**Bella:** *rounds on Alice* Why did you do that to me? You could have told me.

**Alice:** _Hmmm, sounds like she has a soft spot for me. But as much as I love her, her history kind of goes against her…_ You're not that good an actress.

**Bella:** This was about my acting skills?

**Alice:** Don't throw a shit fit. Besides, I really had a fun time setting up my Futuretastical Scavenger Hunt.

**Bella:** I missed you like crazy, Alice. Don't do that to me again.

**Alice:** I missed you, too, Bella.

**browniechadowes: ***face-palms* In the last few pages? Really Stephenie, really? Are you sure you don't want these two to hook up? *shoves incessant Alice/Bella shippers into the pit of discarded characters once more*

**Bella: **Thank you, Jacob.

**Jacob:** Anytime, Bella. But you already know that. _Because you have basically taken advantage of every single damn resource I have. I now have deep sympathy for the Giving Tree._

**Bella:** Jasper? Why is J. Jenks scared stiff by just the sound of your name.

**Jasper:** Erm, some relationships are better motivated by fear?

**Bella's inner monologue:** I frowned, promising myself that I would take over that relationship from now on.

**Jasper:** If you want to… he's kinda into some freaky shit though. You wouldn't guess it from his appearance.

**Edward:** I'm impressed with Jacob right now. _Not once today did he get pervy over our baby._

**Jacob:** I've become rather good at hiding it…

**Bella:** You are fairly ideal in every way… _apart from being dead and all._

**Edward:** A night for celebrations. _Need to show my balls that they no longer have to be embarrassed by me._

**Bella:** Wait, I want to try something.

**Edward:** *crosses fingers* please let it be with Alice, too. Please let it be with Alice, too.

**Bella:** ?

**Edward:** I like the smell of your shampoo?

**Bella:** *slaps palms to Edward's face*

**Edward:** *hearing Bella's thoughts* I heard you. How? How did you do that? _Oh fuck, not sure I exactly want this… Damn it._

**Bella:** We have plenty of time to work on it.

**Edward:** *reading last page of manuscript* Ugh, ugh, ugh. Just. Fuck. No.

**Stephenie:** One more line.

**Edward: **But I was just going to get my balls back…

**Stephenie: **Eeeedwaaarrrddd…

**Edward:** *sighs and grimaces* Forever and forever and forever. *pukes into bush*

**Bella:** Oh, this is really, really bad, Steph.

**Edward**: I said my line, just get it over with.

**Bella's inner monologue:** Eghhh… Then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.

**Sarcasm:** Hey! Awesome usage of me!

**Bella:** I don't think I was being sarcastic.

**Sarcasm:** Shit, then that just reeks of flowery poo.

**Super Bear:** And "perfect picture"? Don't get me started on that…

**Browniechadowes:** Super Bear…

**Super Bear:** I'm just sayin…

**browniechadowes: ***sighs* It is technically the end of Stephenie Meyer and the Uterus of Steel, but Super Bear has informed me that he will be coming out with a chapter thus titled: "Super Bear's Random Fun Facts of the Renegade Characters" soon, so be expecting an update pronto. Happy, Super Bear?

**Super Bear:** Not remotely *goes to drink himself away with Unicorn, Penguin, Emmett, and kinolaughs*


	41. Super Bear The End

**Super Bear's Fun Facts**

**Super Bear:** So, browniechadowes has allowed me, a completely super-fictional and drunken fiend, to come up with a list of random fun facts.

**Emmett**: So's we won' be depressed 'bout lack of fight.

**Penguin**: *loading up a beer bong* Or lack of strong plot.

**Unicorn:** Or lack of control of projectile vomit while reading it. *giving shot to kinolaughs*

**Super Bear**: Yeah, we'll rag on Breaking Dawn, but we're also doing random fun facts about the whole renegade series, guys.

**Emmett:** 'Cuz we's busy an' important like that.

**Sarcasm:** Translation: We're bored out of our fucking mind and can't stand that the parodies are actually over…

**Super Bear:** Drumroll please…

**Orchestra: ***drumrolls*

**Super Bear:** Why the phrase"our perfect forever" drives me up a fucking wall:

Bella is dead.

Edward is dead.

The whole Cullens are DEAD, CANIBALISTIC NON-HUMANS.

Jacob's a pedophile.

Quil's a pedophile.

Charlie's left in the dark, while diddling someone *cough* Sue *cough* who knows exactly what's going on.

Renesmee makes no "perfect" sense to me even after reading the whole damn book.

Leah basically is the root of the phrase "screwed the pooch". Sam and Emily skip off into "perfect forever"-ness, and Leah gets to strip in front of her brother.

Ummm Volturi showdown… not so much.

**Penguin:** Although if you look at the list, Edward and Bella's "perfect forever" isn't really affected by any of those.

**Emmett:** I wann'ed a Volturi showdown damnit.

**Super Bear:** How Many Made Up Characters browniechadowes Accidentally Birthed in Four Parodies:

Me, of course *takes a bow* (Introduced in "Super Bear Wants to Tap Bella's Ass in GoD)

Awkward crickets (Introduced in "The Sea of Awkward Crickets" in GoD)

Browniechadowes' inner funny (Introduced in "Someone Stole my Inner Funny!" in GoD)

Penguin (Introduced in "Penguins Kick Ass" in ToS)

Unicorn (Introduced in "Unicorn and Edward's Box" in UoS)

Edward's Balls (Introduced in "Future Jacob and Desperate Edward" in UoS)

Sarcasm (Introduced in "Pokemon Chatrooms" in UoS)

**Super Bear: **Cuss words:

(damn, hell, crap, and suck don't count… because they don't tick up enough on the dirty meter… and neither does fucking "holy crow" *rolls eyes*)

Bastard: 6

Fuck (ed, ing): 88

Bullshit: 7

Shit (ty): 57

Ass(-tards): 78 (mainly from Mike and Sam… surprise surprise)

Bitch(es, ing,y): 55

(Sun-)Whore (-slut,ing): 29

Slut-bag: 1

Blow job: 3

Piss(ed): 14

Ho-bag: 1

Twat: 1

Fucktard: 2

Badass: 18

Cock(-tease, block): 8

Slut: 13

Cunt: 2

Asshole: 17

Anus (just because it sounds dirty): 4

Vag: 1

Douche bag (Bag o' douche): 12

Prick: 7

Coital (post,pre,present…he he): 8

Stumblefuck(ed,edness)*: 19

Penis (*giggle*): 2

Ass-plant: 1

Dumbass: 21

Dick: 9

Pussy(ing): 6

Blow(ing): 15

*sidenote: Quil and Embry: *calling Bella* Hottie McStumblefuck

(Shouldn't Have Had Second Helpings of Priest(RC), Never Gonna Happen (GoD), Someone Stole My Inner Funny!(GoD), have 0 real cuss words)

That makes for a grand total of… 534 cuss words… hmmm not as bad as once presumed.

**Super Bear:** Sexual Things:

Loofah, ice cream, cool whip, tomato soup, ice cubes, the Rabbit, Sam's anatomically correct doll, rubber duck, furbie, spaghetti sauce, Mike's black object, velveeta, blood.

**Super Bear: **Now, Jessica? Jessica!?! Come here. I'm giving you one chance to spout off everything you've ever said about Bella.

**Jessica:** About fucking time, Super Bear. *takes deep breath*:

"You are the pus in my pimple"

"You are the blood in my tampon"

"You are the fangirl to a shitty plot."

"You are the abscess to my infected tooth"

"…catheter to my urethra."

"She's the bamboo shoot to my Chinese torture"

"You are the STD to my vagina"

"You are the chunks in my vomit"

"You maggot in my expired mashed potatoes"

"You are the hose to my enema"

"You are the infected toe nail to my pedicure"

A la Lauren: "You are the cottage cheese consistency pus in my wound"

"She's the mold to my gouda cheese"

"You fucking knife to my lobotomy"

"You blade to my guillotine"

"…scissors to my castration"

"You razor burn to my armpits"

"You leprosy stricken scarlet woman"

"You are the psoriasis to my liver"

"You are the salt to my bloody cut"

"You sty in my eye"

"She is as comfortable as a UTI"

"She is the tear in a condom"

"Bitch, die"

"You infected needle to my heroin addiction"

A la Paul: "She is the probe to my colonoscopy"

"You crusted over syphilis sore"

"Stupid tapeworm to my colon"

"Venereal disease infested slut of a bastard child"

**Super Bear:** And now, from the mormon herself, a list of That's What She Said, taken directly out of S. Meyer's manuscript:

Bella: I don't like the cold, or the wet.

Edward: You're not going to let it go, are you?

Edward: I'll come for you soon.

Bella's inner monologue: Had Emmett always been so… big?

Bella: Dad, I'm all wet.

Jacob: Come inside! You're making me wet.

Bella: Jacob, it won't stay up., Jacob: It will when you're moving.

Bella: He (Jacob) looked huge.

Bella: What's the hardest part?

Bella: Is it hard?

Bella: Whatever you're thinking, Alice, I doubt I'm that free.

Edward: I could take a look, if you like.

Mike: Did you see the size of that Jacob kid?

Jacob: Come again?

Jacob: I think I can force it down. I won't enjoy it at all though.

Edward: Let's get you home and in bed.

Bella: Jacob was heavy. And hot.

Charlie: You coming, too, Edward?

Bella: Jacob's head is really hard.

Edward: It's hard and cold.

Bella: I was sweating, as Jacob had predicted.

Bella: Jacob's more cunning-

Bella: Seth was… faking?

Bella: I had to talk to Jacob about some things… that were hard.

Alice: Go play with Edward.

Charlie: Ouch, you got me, Alice. I'm bleeding on it.

In SM&UoS (at the wedding) Bella (to Jacob): I'm just so happy you came. It makes me very happy that you came. When did you decide to come?

Alice: Come with me, Bella.

Edward: The Volturi are coming.

Vladimir: And hope we get lucky.

In SM&UoS, Vladimir: They did come., Stefan: All of them, together.

Edward: I have something more to offer.

**Super Bear:** Oh, the cringe-worthy, trying feebly to be funny, times. Here are some of Stephenie's lame jokes *takes a shot*:

Edward: No blood, no foul.

Edward: So you faint at the sight of blood? *chuckles*

Bella: Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear.

Bella: Will you turn into a bat?

In SM&TRC: Bella: *attempts lame joke by pretending to be scared of Edward*, Edward: *attempts to lamely play along to lame joke, causing overall lame attempt at humor.

Bella: Well, it's no irritable grizzly bear.

In SM&TRC: Bella: Vampires like baseball?, Edward: It's the American pastime.

Bella: Don't I taste as good as I smell?

Bella: This looks like a horror movie waiting to happen.

Bella: So where to, Mr. Goodwrench?

Bella: Do you think there's some mutated grizzly out there?

Alice: Well, that's ironic. It's St. Marcus' Day.

Bella: Angry grizzly bears are going to look tame next to what is waiting for you at home.

Bella: We're a bit sensitive to blood around here.

Embry: Hey, vampire girl!

Edward: Technically, I can't ever sleep with you.

Edward: Your little stunt with the rock nearly gave me a heart attack, and that's not the easiest thing to do.

Alice: Didn't break the skin. Trust me.

Bella: I'll be the one in white.

Jasper: Just a few mountain lions. A couple grizzly bears.

**Super Bear:** *browsing very smutty and disturbing fanfics* Let's not judge now, we all know after a few drinks, some of these pairings have crossed our minds. Here are the Unconventional Ships that seemed to happen in the Renegade Characters:

Bella/Jacob

Edward/Mike

Alice/Bella

Esme/Bella

Charlie/Alice

Dream!Bella/Victoria

Sam/non-consensual harem

Jessica/Lauren

Edward/Charlie

Aro/Edward

Aro/Carlisle

Aro/Marcus

Aro/Bella

Aro/Alice

Aro/Mike

Aro/Amun

Aro/Renesmee

Aro/Garrett

**Super Bear:** *clears throat* So, Aro pretty much gets around more than even stumblefuck Bella here.

**Aro:** Are you suggesting I'm a… floozy?

**Super Bear:** *ignoring Aro* Anyways… so continuing with the Ship list:

Stephenie Meyer/Caius

Bella/Carlisle

Charlie/Jacob

Mike/Jacob

Mike/Mike's mom/Bella

Jacob/Edward/Bella

Edward/Jacob

Rosalie/Bella

Edward/Emmett

Alice/Jacob

Peter/Charlotte/Jasper

Edward/Mr. Varner

Edward/Seth

Charlie/Renee

Tanya/Edward

Tanya/Bella

Bella/Bella

Bella/Mr. Jenks

Garrett/Kate

Felix/Bella

Tanya/Caius

**Super Bear:** *shudders and takes tequila shot* So wrong, yet so right. Here are all of the sexual laws broken:

Necrophilia

Statutory Rape

Polygamy

Incest

Pedophilia

Bestiality

**Super Bear:** No it's not everyone in the series, but it is quite a few…

**Edward:** Hey!

**Edward's balls:** Well, it is true…

**Super Bear:** I give you: People Who Mistake Edward for Gay:

Jacob

Mike

Bella

Emmett

Charlie

Jasper

Aro

Marcus

Alice

Carlisle

Renesmee

Caius

Tanya

Edward's balls

Edward

**Super Bear:** Random documents that made their way into the series:

All 4 novels, of course

Evidence that Bella is a Dumbass

"Why I Should or Shouldn't Become a Vampire" list

Bella's Ultimate Martyrdom Plan

"Bella's an Irrevocable Chagrin Fucktard o' Love" list

Humor for Dummies

**Super Bear:** *clears throat* So… I guess that's the end of it. Browniechadowes asked me to give a special thanks to all of those who have been with her throughout the whole series, especially kinolaughs, LaniLynne, and Kayanne.

**browniechadowes:** *passing shots out to all devoted readers* And I am definitely up for suggestions for another story. If you leave me a review with a suggestion, I'll mull it over. And be sure to check out my other story, Self-inflection and Sysygies… I'm revamping (haha no pun intended) Bella, big time.

THANKS FOR READING & REVIEWING! 


End file.
